Can you imagine being filled with joy no matter what tragedies or difficulties are going on around you? Being imprisoned, being beaten and mocked by co-workers, neighbors, peers? Being hungry and tired...most of us would complain and walk around with a depressed facial expression hoping someone would ask us if we are okay so we can outline just how tough we have it...getting others sympathy seems to be my motivation oftentimes. Can we tap into a joy that dwells deep within our hearts...can we find that place of peace in the midst of our storms that will change our very countenance and have people wondering what we are up to? We can, at least that what Paul had and that is what he talks about in the book of Phillipians. He was all of those things, jailed, tired, hungry, wearing rags, mocked, beaten, and yet...he counted it all joy! We here in America have it so easy, as soon as we are too hot, too cold, hungry, criticized, we are ready to throw a towel of "joy" in and complain to every passer by about our plight.
I was thinking about this the other day. My husband and I have been thinking of buying a pop-up camper. Up to this point we have always camped in a tent and before we were married my friends and I would always camp in a tent...but now with a little boy I thought it would be really be nice to have a bit more space, some head room and a nice comfortable bed...as we have been looking at campers I am amazed at the cost of them and the extravagance of so many. It got me thinking of how so many people all over the world live in huts, sleep on the sidewalk, and are fortunate to have shoes on their feet and food in their belly. I am astounded at our level of selfishness, me included. I remember someone once remarked that if we have change in our pockets or money in our bank accounts, we are richer than 95% of the world! That means that even the poorest person in the United States has more than the most people and, if they need help, we have programs to help...not in India, Africa, or the Philippines. There is no help except the help given by their fellow man, their neighbors, their friends. The body of Christ.
Some of those campers cost 150,000 to 300,000!! How many people would that feed? Clothe? House? We are so rich in so many ways and yet we are so poor as well. I remember going to Haiti for a missions trip in 1989. People there had nothing! They had dirt huts to live in. One hut I went into had huge furniture (compared to the size of their hut) all covered in plastic. You'd be amazed to see the dark, dark skin off set by the biggest white smile that you had ever saw. They were full of joy! They had little, but had much!
Why does joy elude us so often? Are we focusing on the wrong things? We are always looking for the next thing...never content with what we have and where we are in the moment...
I just finished reading a book about the persecuted women of the church all over the world...the fact that they could sing in the midst of dire circumstances of most despicable atrocities was astounding. Where do they find the ability to rejoice in the midst of that? It can only come from one place...they knew the God that created them would sustain them and that this world is not all there is...
I have sensed that too...in the midst of my own struggles and despair, this longing for my home, my real home. I know it is there because my heart tells me it is there. My heart continually pulls at me and reminds me, sometimes to my chagrin, that there is more than meets the eye. I am relieved to know that and yet restless in the waiting. A place where there are no more tears, no more sighing, no more sorrow...isn't that a place we all long for? Our hearts tell us there has to be more and aren't we glad? This truth alone causes joy to rise up within me! Unspeakable joy! My heart holds on to this truth! I will hold on to that joy until I shall be there and then I will know that the wait was worth it all!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
An Adoption Journey- Part I
I can hardly believe it has been over a year already. A year since what, you ask? A year since our son, Josiah was instantly our son and brought into our lives with a phone call. Actually, our story starts even earlier than that. Our adoption journey started in September of 2008 when we met with the social worker in our town to inquire about adoption. I had thought about adoption many, many years earlier even as a child. I remember talking about wanting to adopt as a girl. Little did I know that I would be taking this trip many years later. My husband and I met with Dia in a tiny little office as we discussed how it all worked and whether she thought it could be possible for us...she encouraged us to start the process and we decided to launch into a whole new world. A new world of piles and piles and reams and reams of paperwork, definitely not like the traditional method of childbearing....Our first adventure after doing our initial application was to attend an adoption workshop in Billings, Montana. That is an eight-hour trip from Kalispell and we were looking forward to making a trip of it. Going out for a dinner or two and staying at a hotel. The only problem was, as is typical in Montana, an early winter snowstorm through the passes made the driving slow and harrowing and we white-knuckled it through, all we knew is that we wanted to get this show on the road as you might say. We were not spring chickens- just starting out as prospective parents at the ages of 42 and 44. I like to think that we look young and are quite active, but nonetheless, we still needed this process to get going. Even though my biological clock was not a huge issue in the physical sense of the word, it was still ticking...Anyway, once we arrived at the hotel and I get a call from Sheila, another social worker from LSS in Billings, that she was canceling the workshop! She must be kidding I'm thinking. I told her that we had just arrived in Billings and were just settling into our hotel and she said she would call back once she figured out what they were going to do for sure. They even had power off at the room we were going to meet at...Wow! This is getting interesting already!
She finally called us back and said they were going to go ahead with it as some couples were already here and some were from Billings. Whew! So, we went the following morning to St. John's campus and met several other couples who were also wanting to adopt. We learned of the laws, talked of open adoption a lot, I remember I wasn't so sure about the whole open adoption thing, I wanted that child to be "our" child and I didn't want any "competition" or confusion to get in the mix of our relationship with our child. Anyway, after that we met with the social workers and they recommended us to continue on in the adoption process. We also met with adoptive parents in Billings and then birthparents in Bozeman and heard their perspective on meeting adoptive couples and what they were looking for and what they expected in open adoptions that they had with their children.
On our way home we were to stop in Bozeman to meet with two different birthmothers to get their perspective. That was the best part really. The group of us got to ask questions and hear how they felt about adoption now and what they were looking for in prospectice adoptive parents. Their feelings on open adoption and the naming of the child. Wow, there were lots of things to think about...
We drove home excitedly talking of all that we had heard and learned and ready to do whatever it took to get "our" baby.
So much more was needed to be done until we could be on the "ready and waiting list." We were to meet with Dia again for a homestudy. We had more questions to answer about the quality of our marriage (even our sex life). That was stressful. It felt like no stone would go unturned in our pursuit of being parents. I understood the importance on one hand and yet I struggled on the other as parents who birth their children do not go through such invasion of privacy and I was a witness to so many parents that were young, immature, and selfish who were having children from different boyfriends and the novelty of having a cute little baby was thought to be cool. I talked to one girl who had several children and her current boyfriend was in jail...for the second time...and yet we had to do all this stuff to just prove that we were suitable prospective parents. At the time it was a burr under my saddle.
Once we got through the homestudy, we started working on our profile. This is the the little booklet that tells the potential birth parents what kind of life their child would have if they chose us to parent their child. It is a bit unnerving. You had to explain who we are and hopefully "we" appeal to a birthmother and she chooses us...then there is the meeting of the birthparents. The other thing is that birthparents, specifically the birthmother has seventy-two hours to change her mind from the time of birth until she signs the relinquishment paperwork. Which means the prospective birthparents are likely "hanging from the chandeliers" while they wait and pray. At this point, an adoptive couple totally feels this is their baby, you can't help getting your heart involved, as it should to be to be a good, loving parent...
We got our profile ready and then waited. I would call Dia and just ask if our profiles were sent. That was the hardest part, the waiting and wondering if anything was going on behind the scenes. It helped to call her and just talk sometimes. I would get asked all the time if we had heard anything from co-workers, friends, family, etcetera. They were well-meaning, but it was hard to continually say no we haven't heard anything...
While we waited, my husband lost his job. The economic times here in the valley had just taken a nosedive and the building industries were slowing down to a crawl. He worked at a plumbing supply warehouse as a delivery driver. As soon as he lost his job, we were put on hold for the adoption. We were angry and disappointed. What would this mean for us? At that point we had no idea how long it would be before he would find another job. We would both vacillate between despair and frustration and hanging onto the faith that God knows all and is orchestrating it all out just the way He had planned...
She finally called us back and said they were going to go ahead with it as some couples were already here and some were from Billings. Whew! So, we went the following morning to St. John's campus and met several other couples who were also wanting to adopt. We learned of the laws, talked of open adoption a lot, I remember I wasn't so sure about the whole open adoption thing, I wanted that child to be "our" child and I didn't want any "competition" or confusion to get in the mix of our relationship with our child. Anyway, after that we met with the social workers and they recommended us to continue on in the adoption process. We also met with adoptive parents in Billings and then birthparents in Bozeman and heard their perspective on meeting adoptive couples and what they were looking for and what they expected in open adoptions that they had with their children.
On our way home we were to stop in Bozeman to meet with two different birthmothers to get their perspective. That was the best part really. The group of us got to ask questions and hear how they felt about adoption now and what they were looking for in prospectice adoptive parents. Their feelings on open adoption and the naming of the child. Wow, there were lots of things to think about...
We drove home excitedly talking of all that we had heard and learned and ready to do whatever it took to get "our" baby.
So much more was needed to be done until we could be on the "ready and waiting list." We were to meet with Dia again for a homestudy. We had more questions to answer about the quality of our marriage (even our sex life). That was stressful. It felt like no stone would go unturned in our pursuit of being parents. I understood the importance on one hand and yet I struggled on the other as parents who birth their children do not go through such invasion of privacy and I was a witness to so many parents that were young, immature, and selfish who were having children from different boyfriends and the novelty of having a cute little baby was thought to be cool. I talked to one girl who had several children and her current boyfriend was in jail...for the second time...and yet we had to do all this stuff to just prove that we were suitable prospective parents. At the time it was a burr under my saddle.
Once we got through the homestudy, we started working on our profile. This is the the little booklet that tells the potential birth parents what kind of life their child would have if they chose us to parent their child. It is a bit unnerving. You had to explain who we are and hopefully "we" appeal to a birthmother and she chooses us...then there is the meeting of the birthparents. The other thing is that birthparents, specifically the birthmother has seventy-two hours to change her mind from the time of birth until she signs the relinquishment paperwork. Which means the prospective birthparents are likely "hanging from the chandeliers" while they wait and pray. At this point, an adoptive couple totally feels this is their baby, you can't help getting your heart involved, as it should to be to be a good, loving parent...
We got our profile ready and then waited. I would call Dia and just ask if our profiles were sent. That was the hardest part, the waiting and wondering if anything was going on behind the scenes. It helped to call her and just talk sometimes. I would get asked all the time if we had heard anything from co-workers, friends, family, etcetera. They were well-meaning, but it was hard to continually say no we haven't heard anything...
While we waited, my husband lost his job. The economic times here in the valley had just taken a nosedive and the building industries were slowing down to a crawl. He worked at a plumbing supply warehouse as a delivery driver. As soon as he lost his job, we were put on hold for the adoption. We were angry and disappointed. What would this mean for us? At that point we had no idea how long it would be before he would find another job. We would both vacillate between despair and frustration and hanging onto the faith that God knows all and is orchestrating it all out just the way He had planned...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Diamond in the Rough
Did you know that I am a diamond? Most of the time I may not look like it, act like it, or shine like it, but I am nonetheless. Most of the time I do not even know it or see it myself, but there are those...yes, those that do and that gives me hope.
My friends often have to remind me of what I cannot see myself, they are true friends. My husband says he believes in me even when I feel like I have failed him repeatedly. My creator reminds me of the plans that He has for me and "sticks closer than a brother."
Most of the time I feel like a dull, lifeless, lump of black carbon coal. Not much to look at. One that fades into the background. One that is hardly noticeable to anyone....
But, there is one that sees me. Truly sees me. He sees past the black to the amazing brilliance that reflects all the colors of the rainbow when light hits me. He sees the multifaceted edges and realizes that all He needs to do is to lovingly polish, turn up the heat in just the right amounts and at just the right times and the beauty of it's radiance will dazzle and sparkle all the way to heaven and back. He takes the time to see the potential and get to work so that this little insignificant piece of carbon will be transformed into one who reflects all the brilliance of it's creator.
Do I trust this master craftsman to do only what is needful and no more? It's not easy to trust when it hurts, when the heat is getting turned up and I lose sight of the goal. It's not easy, but, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness, when you are weak, I am strong." Wow! I want to go all the way...all the way from a diamond in the rough to a gleaming gem that sparkles with the creator's purity and beauty!
So much of it is about trust...do I trust myself to reveal the authentic me? Will they like me if they see all the different shades and nuances of me? We are multi-faceted, just like a diamond that is cut to show the brilliance of what we are made of when the light reflects...sometimes I feel more like a chunk of carbon coal, not really brilliant at all, but, if someone takes the time to polish me off and see beyond the obvious and see the potential that I can become and loves me to a greater level of brilliance, that is a true friend...I have one that "never leaves me or forsakes me" and He sees me in my weakness and fraility and says, "My power is made perfect through your weakness!" I like the sounds of that...will I extend this gift to another? In those I love, when they are exhibiting their weaknesses, their frailities, maybe even their blackness...will I see the diamond that they are...covered by the black dust of this earth and choose to love? I cannot do this on my own, but I know someone who can through me...
My friends often have to remind me of what I cannot see myself, they are true friends. My husband says he believes in me even when I feel like I have failed him repeatedly. My creator reminds me of the plans that He has for me and "sticks closer than a brother."
Most of the time I feel like a dull, lifeless, lump of black carbon coal. Not much to look at. One that fades into the background. One that is hardly noticeable to anyone....
But, there is one that sees me. Truly sees me. He sees past the black to the amazing brilliance that reflects all the colors of the rainbow when light hits me. He sees the multifaceted edges and realizes that all He needs to do is to lovingly polish, turn up the heat in just the right amounts and at just the right times and the beauty of it's radiance will dazzle and sparkle all the way to heaven and back. He takes the time to see the potential and get to work so that this little insignificant piece of carbon will be transformed into one who reflects all the brilliance of it's creator.
Do I trust this master craftsman to do only what is needful and no more? It's not easy to trust when it hurts, when the heat is getting turned up and I lose sight of the goal. It's not easy, but, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness, when you are weak, I am strong." Wow! I want to go all the way...all the way from a diamond in the rough to a gleaming gem that sparkles with the creator's purity and beauty!
So much of it is about trust...do I trust myself to reveal the authentic me? Will they like me if they see all the different shades and nuances of me? We are multi-faceted, just like a diamond that is cut to show the brilliance of what we are made of when the light reflects...sometimes I feel more like a chunk of carbon coal, not really brilliant at all, but, if someone takes the time to polish me off and see beyond the obvious and see the potential that I can become and loves me to a greater level of brilliance, that is a true friend...I have one that "never leaves me or forsakes me" and He sees me in my weakness and fraility and says, "My power is made perfect through your weakness!" I like the sounds of that...will I extend this gift to another? In those I love, when they are exhibiting their weaknesses, their frailities, maybe even their blackness...will I see the diamond that they are...covered by the black dust of this earth and choose to love? I cannot do this on my own, but I know someone who can through me...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Because You Believed What You Heard!
Gen 15:6- Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness. Romans 9:16 says, "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." and Galatians 2:16, "...by observing the law no one will be justified."
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
The Door of My Heart
What does the door of your heart look like? I mean what is it made of? Is it wood? Is it more like a half door where the top swings open? Is it ornate or plain? Is it locked or is it more like a screen door that everyone can see in? I think it can change with the different seasons of our lives, don't you? Sometimes the door of my heart is locked up tighter than a drum and at other times the screen door is left wide open to allow the cool breezes to waft in freely. Some days I see people I know from church or work and my heart is open and wants to talk and catch up, see how they're doing when I pass them in the grocery store aisle and other times I find myself pretending like I didn't see them and running into the next aisle to avoid them at all costs, my heart is tired, worn out, introspective and closed to any visitors. Sometimes I don't feel too good about myself and all I want to do is hide- maybe it's my bad hair day or I am in a hurry to get home to get dinner on the table or maybe I am feeling unloved or ashamed of who I am...there can be so many different reasons, all crowding in at once with no real understanding of what is going on in my heart.
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
What is driving me?
I behaved very badly tonight with my husband...I became very frustrated with him because, according to me, he procrastinated on something that I thought was very important and needed to be dealt with much more quickly...I tried to bully him with my words. I tried to railroad him into thinking like me. I tried to convince him that my way of thinking was right and I tried to make him feel bad for the way he was doing it in order to get him to do it my way....Yikes! This is not grace...this is called intimidation.
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
God Can Be Trusted
I am reminded today through my Bible study that God can be trusted. We are not always convinced of this are we? We probably would not say this outloud, but we often live our lives this way oftentimes not realizing the message that we are giving him. I think about Adam in the garden and how the serpent tempted him with these words, "Did God really say?" The element of distrust was introduced...we deal with this everyday in all of our decisions. I am doing a study on sex right now. Why is it that we believe our culture and media know way more than the very creator of life, the one who made us male and female and the very one who thought up sexuality? The very thing that can bring us to the height of ectasy and pleasure and oneness with our mate is the very thing that can bring much heartache and pain if not experienced in the safety of marriage. Why is it that we always think we know better? Why is it that we always think we can handle something that is so mysterious and so powerful when out of the context that it was meant for? Think about fire...it is an awesome gift to help us stay warm when it is cold, to allow us to cook our food, but when it is out of control and not within the confines of a fire pit or stove, it can be so destructive...annihilating a whole forest before we have the chance to blink...Same with guns. We talk about the need to respect guns and rightfully so. We can use them to get our dinner or to protect us from a wild animal and yet they can used to murder the innocent or used wrongly in a "crime of passion."
Did our belief that we knew better than God pan out very well for us in the garden? I guess some might think so, but I fail to see it. Do we really know better than God? Can we be so arrogant to think that the creature is smarter or wiser than the Creator? What pain we have put ourselves through to believe the deception and the lies of the enemy of our souls, the very one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy us and what better way to get through to us than our ego?
This whole thing about our sexuality boils down to a lack of understanding of a God who really loves us, wants the best for us, and can be trusted. He is Almighty. Omnipotent. Powerful. And yet He is loving and kind to all He has made. He truly loves us and gives us His laws not to control, but to allow us more freedom and peac in our lives. He already knows what will happen if we choose to go our own way...these laws are for our protection, our peace of heart and mind, and the way that brings us much joy and happiness. Think about it...where does the fear, the regret, the heartache all come from? Does it come from following what God calls us to do or from deciding that I want to do it my own way and in my own time? I am going to make this or that happen. That is where the pain comes from in our lives...
I think of all the ways we can get off track in our world today...have too much to drink and hop into a car and you can find yourself dead, in prison for killing an innocent person, or saddled with fines and a loss of a license. Drugs...same story. Stealing. Murder. Maybe we do it in fun...who do you think you are to tell me what I can or cannot do? Okay...go ahead...you will be the one to pay dearly for years to come in one way or another. Following the laws of God brings peace, a life with no regrets, a past with less shame and guilt, a testimony of the faithfulness of God. Perfect? No, not hardly...but, way less baggage...
In looking at the Ten Commandments this morning I was struck by how God put the commandment to honor our father and mother there...why? I believe because when we respect the authoritiy in our lives, it sets us up for success. As soon as we rebel and think they don't know anything, we set ourselves up for going in our own way- for doing what seems right to us in our own eyes and that is a dangerous slippery slope...relativism...if it feels right do it...where has it gotten us?
It is the revelation of his love and care for us that we desperately need. Can we not see that the overarching message of the gospel, which means good news, is God's love for those He has made. Think about how we are with our children... do we set down rules just so we can control them? Or do we set down rules and guidelines so that they are protected and safe? We do it because we love them. One thing I have discovered is that training a child is not fun- it is hard work. We have to be consistent, unrelenting, and we have to risk not being their best friend, they may not like us for a while...why do we do it? Because we know the outcome if we do and we know the outcome if we don't and because we know this, we do it because we love them!
That is the heart of our father- love. He loves us that much. He can be trusted with our hearts! He is the one that will tell us the truth even when it is what we don't want to hear...will we receive what He has to say and know that it comes from a heart of love and compassion on all He has made? Oh, how He loves us!
Did our belief that we knew better than God pan out very well for us in the garden? I guess some might think so, but I fail to see it. Do we really know better than God? Can we be so arrogant to think that the creature is smarter or wiser than the Creator? What pain we have put ourselves through to believe the deception and the lies of the enemy of our souls, the very one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy us and what better way to get through to us than our ego?
This whole thing about our sexuality boils down to a lack of understanding of a God who really loves us, wants the best for us, and can be trusted. He is Almighty. Omnipotent. Powerful. And yet He is loving and kind to all He has made. He truly loves us and gives us His laws not to control, but to allow us more freedom and peac in our lives. He already knows what will happen if we choose to go our own way...these laws are for our protection, our peace of heart and mind, and the way that brings us much joy and happiness. Think about it...where does the fear, the regret, the heartache all come from? Does it come from following what God calls us to do or from deciding that I want to do it my own way and in my own time? I am going to make this or that happen. That is where the pain comes from in our lives...
I think of all the ways we can get off track in our world today...have too much to drink and hop into a car and you can find yourself dead, in prison for killing an innocent person, or saddled with fines and a loss of a license. Drugs...same story. Stealing. Murder. Maybe we do it in fun...who do you think you are to tell me what I can or cannot do? Okay...go ahead...you will be the one to pay dearly for years to come in one way or another. Following the laws of God brings peace, a life with no regrets, a past with less shame and guilt, a testimony of the faithfulness of God. Perfect? No, not hardly...but, way less baggage...
In looking at the Ten Commandments this morning I was struck by how God put the commandment to honor our father and mother there...why? I believe because when we respect the authoritiy in our lives, it sets us up for success. As soon as we rebel and think they don't know anything, we set ourselves up for going in our own way- for doing what seems right to us in our own eyes and that is a dangerous slippery slope...relativism...if it feels right do it...where has it gotten us?
It is the revelation of his love and care for us that we desperately need. Can we not see that the overarching message of the gospel, which means good news, is God's love for those He has made. Think about how we are with our children... do we set down rules just so we can control them? Or do we set down rules and guidelines so that they are protected and safe? We do it because we love them. One thing I have discovered is that training a child is not fun- it is hard work. We have to be consistent, unrelenting, and we have to risk not being their best friend, they may not like us for a while...why do we do it? Because we know the outcome if we do and we know the outcome if we don't and because we know this, we do it because we love them!
That is the heart of our father- love. He loves us that much. He can be trusted with our hearts! He is the one that will tell us the truth even when it is what we don't want to hear...will we receive what He has to say and know that it comes from a heart of love and compassion on all He has made? Oh, how He loves us!
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