Adoption Story, Our First Meeting

Well, I hope this does not get the feeling of one of those movies that goes on and on, like Rocky I, II, III, etcetera...but we are just getting to the good part and I am writing this as much for a document for our family to remember as for others to enjoy...

So, where was I, oh yeah, we were on our way to Billings.  That is an eight hour driver from where we live.   We stopped in Missoula to get a baby name book!  We had a girl's name picked out, for some reason we were convinced we were going to have a girl, you know how that goes...So I started calling out names that I liked and Kent would say yay or nay and all the yeses were written on a list.  We narrowed it down to a dozen or so that we were contemplating.  We looked up the meanings of the names and thought about the meanings as related to Bible characters and what they stood for.  We didn't make any decisions yet on what his name would be...

We got checked in at the hotel in Billings and decided to get a bite to eat at the Windmill Steak House.  We took out the list of names and then as I recall we wrote our favorite names again.  I honestly cannot remember if they matched right away or not, but we came to a consensus pretty quickly.  Josiah, which means "fire of God" was what we settled on after we read the story of King Josiah and really like how he stood for God in the midst of idolatry.  We picked Christian, which means as you would expect "follower of Christ".  We wanted him to remember his roots where ever life took him in the future.  After dinner, we headed back to the hotel and as you might think, we didn't get much sleep that night (at least I didn't).

I was a bundle of nerves in the morning.  We were supposed to meet at 3:00 p.m, but the social worker had not confirmed anything since we had left home.  I kept asking my husband to call and find out what was going on, I knew I couldn't do it.  I was near tears practically all day!  I couldn't believe that they would make us wait until 3:00 p.m.!  How could they do that?  Anyway, we made the best of it and had breakfast, went shopping a bit and had a salad for lunch.  We were called to meet at 2:00!  I was absolutely beside myself, I could hardly keep it together!  I was sweating and ready to burst into tears at any moment--

We headed to the office in Billings.  We went in the door and were greeted by Lorraine, one of the social workers.  We were brought into a small living room type place and waited for what seemed to me like a hundred years.  We could hear them showing our little boy off out in the hall and  I could hardly contain myself to sit still and wait until they came in.  Finally, they brought in this little 6 pound, 12 ounce boy wearing a baseball one piece outfit and put him in my arms.  It was love at first sight, there is just not other way of describing it!  The tears came instantly, I couldn't believe my eyes, I couldn't believe it was really happening!  He was beautiful!  He had reddish blonde hair.  We fed him and held him and sat in amazement of this precious gift of life that was being entrusted to us...and then we had some paperwork to sign and finish up.  Once we talked with the cradle care foster Mom who was also named Kim (she had adopted two children and they were with her and were now 7 and 9 or so years old) and found out what kind of formula he was on and all the details of caring for him, we walked out the door. Talk about a weird feeling!  Can we really take him home with us, we thought...and to top it all off we weren't even sure how to get him in the car seat-- we thought for sure they were going to take him back from us thinking we were unfit parents, but instead they just chuckled and smiled knowingly...

Once we were on the road, I was in back with him and we were just trying to get as far as we could to get as close to home as we could.  Our first stop was at Arby's to use the bathroom and change him.  Again, I thought for sure someone was going to ask us whose baby that was and call the police or something, it was such as strange feeling...No one stopped us except to say, "He looks just like you"!  We would smile to ourselves just as proud as we could be that our son, Josiah Christian was really gifted to us by God and now we too had entered into the world of parenthood where we too had the awesome responsibility to raise him up to fear and love God above all else...

Fully Alive!

I heard something the other day that really started to spark my thinking..., "Are you fully alive"?  Hmmm, it really made me ponder, "What does it mean to be fully alive"?  Not just alive, we can all walk around like the walking zombies...but am I FULLY alive?

What does that mean for you?  What does it feel like, taste like, sound like, look like, or smell like?  Maybe it means the same thing as living in the moment--fully living in the moment.  What Jesus called, "...life more abundantly" (John 10:10).

Living fully alive invariably means that we WILL feel pain...emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational pain.  So, often I think we would like to think that is not true, but all too often it is true.  We live in a broken world full of the brokenness in each one of us.  When you hear of people with mental illness or other emotional issues, they often describe themselves as "feeling numb", too much pain.  Being fully alive means we will feel pain, which is not pleasant, but a sign of life...

My Waiting Heart

Here I am again
Trying to be patient for a glimpse of you--
Only God knows what you look like
And when you will come to us--
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

Where are you in this world
At this very minute that I am thinking of you--
Are you even here in a physical sense
Or are you too waiting for your entrance
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a  moment's notice.

Maybe you are in a darkened cocoon,
So warm and safe and sure--
Only God knows when you will be ready
To join us in our family--
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

You will have a little brother
Who talks about your coming soon all the time--
He can hardly contain himself to meet you--
To play and laugh and grow up with him--
So, our waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

A daddy is longing for you too,
To cuddle and read you a story--
He prays for you all the time
So we can finally be a family with you--
So, our waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a  moment's notice!

Come quickly dear little one
Your mommy loves you already--
My heart is full and longing for you
To kiss you and hug you and smell your sweet scent--
Our waiting hearts stand ready
To receive you at God's perfect moment!

Adoption Journey- Part III

So, where was I?  Oh yes, we were in limbo...my husband was unemployed and now we were on hold for our little miracle that we were hoping for.  We were not happy campers to say the least, trying to trust God in the  middle of it all.  "Consider it all joy my brothers, when trials..." Joy?  Wow, now that can be a hard pill to swallow.  So, he eventually got a job working with a medical supply company delivering oxygen and other medical equipment.  This was in February of 2010.  We were back on the track.  The wait seemed so long, so daunting on so many different levels.  I remember people would ask us all the time, "So any news?" I would say the standard line, "No, nothing".  It felt stale.  It felt depressing.  I wanted to scream and send out a memo on some kind of letter head that looked official..."WE HAVE HEARD NOTHING!  YOU WILL KNOW WHEN WE HAVE HEARD!"  In the midst of such pain in waiting, hearing the same question over and over again can be so heavy.

I remember it was my middle brother Cliff's birthday.  Kent was gone on a Tres Dias retreat serving the men and I was home alone.  I decided to call Cliff for his birthday.  He too asked if we had heard anything with the adoption, I remember myself telling him very dejectedly that we hadn't heard a thing.  I felt really low that day, I recall.  I decided to go the library.  I got the movie, "The Business of Being Born", a documentary on having children at home.  So, here I was watching a program about childbirth at home alone, feeling like crying in my soup.  Little did I know that our son, Josiah, was born that very day, but I'm getting ahead of myself a bit...

We went to work as usual the next week.  My husband was on jury duty on Wednesday, the day he would usually be working.  I was working late and he was sitting in the homecare agencies waiting room while I was finishing up.  At 5:30 or so my cell phone rang, it was Sheila from the adoption agency.  "Hi Sheila, how's it going?" I asked, not thinking anything was up as we had had many conversations regarding paperwork, ecetera.  "We have a baby."  WHAT?"  "We have a baby!"  At this point I was crying and could not utter words for what seemed like a very long time. Once I got my composure, she started to tell  me all the specifics of the baby although I did not hear whether it was a boy or a girl.  I remember the scheduler Mandy asking me whether it was a girl or a boy, but Sheila was talking about the birthmother's height, the health issues that were in the family...At this point I was out in the lobby area and Kent looked like a deer in the headlights, it took several times of telling him that we have a baby before it really registered with him.  At this point I remember Sheila asking if we were willing to take him, "Yes!"  I called my boss Katie and apparently she had already heard from Mandy, telling her I would be picking up this little guy on Friday. Sheila asked us when we wanted to come and I was like, "tomorrow?"  She had some logistical conflicts so the soonest we could get there was going to be for Friday morning in Billings at the LSS office.  So we went home in shock and began calling everyone we knew in excitement.  We decided to go to homegroup that night.  I was sitting in the chair and Dave was talking about computers and I was uh huh, uh  huh, I was waiting for Susie to come to the living.  Susie casually asked me how I was and I said, "Great!"  "Really?"  "Yeah, I'm doing GREAT!"  We have a baby!  Everyone screamed with great excitement and I filled them in with the details.  They took us out to Target and had us fill our shopping cart full of everything we would need for a new baby as we had absolutely nothing at this point as we were told not to get much as it would make the wait even harder.  They blessed us tremendously.  Mandy from work sent us home after we had gotten the call with her car seat that she had in storage.  Thursday morning I washed all the new baby stuff and packed for our trip to Billings and left for the eight hour trip...

The Gospel according to Ephesians 2

Our women's Bible study has been studying the book of Ephesians.  There is so much in there that I wanted to try to capture the heart of the message in a way that I could encourage others!  "For it is by grace that You have been saved through faith and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8,9

I was dead in my transgressions and sins,
When I used to follow the ways of this earth--
I would gratify the cravings of my sinful nature
And follow it's desires and thoughts since my birth.

I was an object of God's wrath,
That is what Ephesians two reveals to me--
But God with His great kindness and love,
Poured out His rich and tender mercy.

He made me alive in Christ,
Even when my soul was as good as dead--
By grace He saved me through and through,
That is what I read.

He raised me up and seated me with Christ
In the heavenly realms,why, it's so hard to believe!
There is nothing that I could have done--
My part was only to receive!

I have been saved through faith.
It is a gift of God, I cannot be in pride.
I was made to do good works--
I was made to be His bride!

The law reminded me that I could not reach
The standard that was set--
He made a way for me through Christ--
He paid my sinner's debt!

I once was far away from Him,
But now I've been brought near!
I have access to the Spirit,
I no longer have to fear!

Will you choose to trust
The God who cannot lie?
He cares for you more than you'll ever know--
Because His love is deep, and wide and high...

Indescribable Gifts

Not too long ago I was reading in the book of Numbers, not my favorite book of the Bible by any stretch of the imagination, but every word of the Bible is inspired and is there for a reason.  I try to read it on a daily basis with our son at breakfast time.  Some mornings I really pray that God shows us what we need to glean from some of these Old Testament chapters as oftentimes they can be dryer than unbuttered toast.  On this particular morning in January, I was struck by the number of animals that needed to be sacrificed everyday.  And, not only daily, but also special additional sacrifices that had to be done monthly, yearly and during special feasts and commemorative holy days.  To my count according to the text that I was reading it amounted to 67 lambs a month and not just any lambs, but the best of their flock, the unblemished ones, the best of the best.  In addition, there were bulls and rams as well the oil mixed with flour and the wine offerings.  I cannot imagine not only the level of bloodshed that took place, but the time it took everyday to prepare oneself and the animals and that's not even including the financial implications.  No wonder they had to have huge herds.  But, if they followed the commands that God laid out for them, God promised that they would be blessed far beyond any other nation of the earth.

I am so thankful that I live in a time where I can come boldly to the throne of grace.  I don't have to prepare for hours to approach Jehovah.  I don't have to go outside and slaughter my animals in the backyard or take their blood and sprinkle it.  Truly that grosses me out, I have no framework from which to work when it comes to imaging this whole ritual.  I can talk to God through Jesus anytime I have a need, a concern or just want to give Him thanks and praise.  No pomp, no circumstance, just come.  Because of how easy it is to come to God through grace, have we forgotten just how Holy He is?  People died in the Old Testament for not following precisely what God had prescribed for them to do.  Aaron's son's died in the temple.  Priests were pulled out of the tabernacle by a rope due to one wrong move.  Do we really understand just how big His grace is towards us who believe?   We have such freedom in our walk with Christ, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free".

And yet, James says that "Faith without works is dead" and the Old Testament says, "To obey is better than sacrifice".  Even in the midst of the prescribed sacrifices that God's people needed to give, He was even more concerned with their heart to obey.  Obedience is the the best example of Worship.  Worship is not just for a Sunday morning music sing-a-long.  Worship is a way of life and nothing says worship better than doing what God calls us to do.  "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart".  We cannot fool God- "Where your treasure is there your heart will be also".  Do I do what God has asked me to do?  Do I do it quickly?  Is my treasure truly with God?  All questions I must ask myself in the midst of a world with so  many distractions and not just ask once but over and over and over!  I am so grateful for a Savior who is always praying on my behalf...not only is He the Lamb of the world, but my high priest that makes intercession for me!  What peace that brings to me, He loves me that much!  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!  If that thought doesn't move you to worship, what will?  Praise be to God for His indescribable gifts!

Extravagant Worship!

I was challenged to write for a woman who invited me to her poetry contest while I wrote whatever moved me, "the music that moves pens".  What a great creative idea!  I decided I would take her up on it and decided that tonight was the night.  I sat down and chose one of her links and I was pleasantly surprised by the treat of listening to The Piano Guys rendition of the Carole of the Bells as they played on cellos.  Not only was it musically moving and gorgeous, but the creativity of the YouTube video was beautiful as well...

The topic of worship is one that is close to my heart as I love music that moves me to worship the one from whom it all came...I want to discuss this further at some point, but for now I will leave you with the result of my ready pen at the sound of beautiful strains wafting through my ears and heart...

Music makes my heart swell and surge
To the poema deep inside my soul,
Such beauty, such awesome wonder--
Liquid prayers pour forth and weave a path down my cheeks and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

Though the wonder of silence has it's own lovliness,
The Carole of the bells spring forth from haunting cells
Moving my spirit to a sacred place, a hush of peace
Transcending time, crescednoing to a heavenly throne, and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

Oh, the strains of the highs and lows
Notes that bend and blend, weave in and out.
Rhythms ebbing and flowing expertly in and through
Rising and falling into one masterpiece, and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

As waves recede and crash to shores around the globe
And babies and bird's calls fill vacant air
Oh no, I will not be undone, the rocks won't have to cry out
I too will rejoin with arms uplifted to the Maker of all this, as--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!