Have you ever noticed how life can be so bittersweet? There are days that I am down...wondering why about so many things. There are days that I don't think I can contain the joy and yet, there are times where it vacillates from pure joy and contentment to utter despair and desperation within only moments of each other...
I don't think there is a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for losses and griefs that stick to me like "cling-ons".
Life is tough! Though God blesses us with bits of joy....times of laughter....moments of love and even understanding from those around us. But, it doesn't take long and we end up facing loneliness, misunderstanding from those we want so desperately to "get" us and we, in turn, do the same to those we love too. How can this be? I think I have way more questions than answers and the older I get the dumber I get. Do you know what I mean? In some ways I feel wiser and more experienced and in even more ways I feel like I miss the mark more and more. My patience runs thin with myself as well as those around me...you would think after four decades I would've learned to relax, but relaxing does not come easily to a self-proclaimed type A personality...
I tend to over-think, over-analyze and over-do...it feels like a curse most of the time. How do we understand others if we cannot even understand ourselves? Aren't you glad that God "gets" us even if no one else does?
Our Simple Church closed yesterday...it was a small group of believers that met for almost four years in various hotels during its lifespan. It did not come as a complete shock to me as I had had many conversations with the pastor's wife...but, it is still bittersweet. Our times of simple worship were sweet. The friendships forged there were genuine, were solid, were precious. Not that that will end, but it will morph to a different waterline...it will take much more intentionality to nurture some of these friendships, which maybe is a good thing. Those that will remain will rise to the top. Just like the expected death of a loved one; once it happens their death still brings great grief and loss. This transition is good, I know it is...because God is good. Where we will call our church home, it is beyond our knowing at this time; but God knows! It is an adventure awaiting us. It is bittersweet nonetheless....
This past week a good friend moved; another loss of sorts although I am sure we will still be in contact.
Last weekend I was a part of Tres Dias; helping out on the music team. Lives were changed. Hearts were encouraged and hope restored. The prayer prayed by a man behind the curtain during Saturday evenings serenade brought me to tears; not out of sadness, but out of feeling the blessing of God's voice speaking over me to go forward without shame, to know that Jesus truly does love me and although I carry grief each and every day of my life...He sustains me and "He brings beauty from ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair".
With the bittersweet of life how can anyone face another day without the lover of their soul holding them up? I fear I would have given in to the fear and sadness a long time ago and would've either thrown the towel in completely or trudged through life trying to pull up my own bootstraps and woefully carrying my burdens through the arduous journey called my life tired, worn and beaten down.
I don't know about anyone else, but I for one can only sing in the midst of my bittersweetness as Fernando Ortega sings"Just Give me Jesus...."
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