Waiting well...

We are waiting for something that is life-changing to our whole family.  How many of us wait well?  I am not a patient person by nature.  We have been waiting for this baby bundle ever since January of 2011.   We have been waiting to move on with our life. So much seems to hinge on this that we have been left in a holding pattern for far too long.  Someone told me this weekend that one of the most difficult stressors is just this, waiting for the unknown... How is it going to happen, when is it going to happen...will it ever happen...so many questions yet to be answered.

I feel the stress of waiting and not knowing even if it is going to happen.  I am frustrated in the wait.  Many days I am at peace, but there is this languishing and longing that presses on my heart relentlessly.  How does one pray for something so elusive, so nebulous?  How does one pray when one does not even know if it will happen or even whether it is supposed to happen?  I guess that is true for so many things in our lives...but we press on and we pray on...precisely because we do not know the future, but to be a bit trite; we know who holds the future!

I turn forty-eight this next birthday, just a month away...much older than a typical mother-in-waiting.  Our son is now going to be five in April.  Time is marching on and leaving our dreams in the shadows.  

But God is God and we are not.  He knows perfectly what He is up to, we just wish He would let us in on it.  Are we to continue waiting or are we to say enough?  It feels as though we have had enough waiting and wondering and wishing for a lifetime.  But, the funny thing is, there will always be something else to wait for; maybe not as seemingly life-changing, but just as important for us at that time, I'm sure.  So, maybe the prayer we need to pray is, "Lord, help us wait well" and "May we be ready for whatever answer you would have for us when it is time for us to know it".

And to that end, we wait...

Elias!

After a very long wait and almost giving up, the mystery child is now here and part of our family.  He was born April 27th and that very day he became a part of our family forever!  As with Josiah, we had very little time to prepare as we got the call from the social worker the very day he was born.  We were asked to get to him as quickly as we could, we had to gather our things and go two hours away from home.  We talked about names on the way.  Josiah was smiling from ear to ear!  We were all so excited.  When we arrived, he was in the care of the social worker at her office as his birth mother had left the hospital already.  He was beautiful and of course brought this mom to tears.

Now, all we had to do was wait, that's right, wait with the little cutie with us in the hotel.  At this point, the birth parent's had 72 hours to change their minds.  We were told that that was unlikely but there is always a chance.  So, we went home and rested and got to know this little guy.  We went swimming with Josiah and enjoyed the hot tubs (taking turns of course).  The next day we went to a children's museum in the area, went out to lunch and got used to having a baby again.  

We talked over the next days and hours of our feelings...feelings about having a Hispanic little boy and how we would handle it if his birth parent's changed their minds.  We were trying to hold him loosely, wanting the very best for him and not for ourselves.

We were in contact with the social worker during this time.  After two days we decided on Elias as it is a derivative of Elijah and yet has a Spanish ring to it as well to honor his heritage too.  The two boys share the same middle name as a way to connect the two of them further.

On the morning of the third day, the social worker was to meet with the birth parent's and have them sign the paperwork to relinquish this child from their care.  We of course were anxious and wondering what the final outcome would be.  We went to a music store and bought a smaller guitar for Josiah (that I could play at the campfires when we go camping).  While we were there the SW texted us and said, "Congratulations, Elias has found his forever family".  It gives me chills even as I write this twenty months later!  His birth parent's really liked his name and were grateful that we loved their boy.  We expressed gratitude that they chose life for this boy!

After a five year wait, he has now been with us for twenty months and what a precious little boy he is!  How can anyone thank someone for a gift like this?  Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gifts!

Deeply Loved

I was listening to an audio book yesterday while cleaning out the refrigerator called "The Broken Way"by Ann Voskamp.  She is such a descriptive writer!  In the sixth chapter she writes about an idea that I had never thought of before.  The fact that we often talk about believing in God, but that he also believes in us!  Wow!  He knows us better than anyone does since he created us and he also knows what we will face from day to day.  He knows that he is enough for whatever comes our way and he believes in us that we can hold on and even more than merely that, thrive!  He is our righteous judge, our advocate cheering us on whether we think we are succeeding or feel as though we are just a moment away from giving up, throwing in our towel...He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.  His acceptance does not depend on whether we have it all together but that he does have it all together!

An issue that has faced me throughout my life that I cannot make heads or tales no matter how much I try to understand always plagues me in the back of my mind.  It is difficult to let it go...to not get down on myself for it.  I may never come to grasp on all the whys in this life time, but I do know that God knows!  He gets me and the situation, he knows my heart.  Though I have this "thorn in my side" that bruises and breaks my heart on a regular basis, his eyes turn toward mine with great compassion and says, "I know and I see your heart; you  have nothing to fear".

I have not felt believed in myself for much of my life.  I have always felt like I didn't fit, wasn't quite cool enough (whatever that is), not enough...Struggles keep me doubting myself and my abilities, leaving me insecure and wanting to hide in a closet somewhere sometimes.  But God!  The one who made me, the one who sees me, the one who holds and counts every tear, the one who created me also believes in me!  I am thankful for a God that is both powerful, able and willing to help me.  I can trust my just and righteous advocate to stand up for me to the accuser (s)!  I can leave it there and allow myself to do more than just survive, but to thrive until I meet my Savior, my cheerleader, my God face-to-face!  All I need to remind myself...whether it is every minute, every hour, every day;  however often I need to...I am deeply loved...and so are you!  Our God believes in us!  If we get that deep in our hearts, our spirits that is enough to live freely, boldly and fully alive!

The Changes of Life

We are on the cusp of a huge change...one that I have fought against for ten years; a move across the country...so many miles, miles apart from our family and now we contemplate and wrestle with the possibility of it now, two children later and more stuff than I care to pack!  This is a test in so many ways and so it has been since we sold our house, moved into an apartment and bought a lot to build the house we designed with an architect only to have our plans come to a screeching halt!

No church, no house, and a job that has been moving us away from this love of Montana...what is Montana worth to us?  Oh the trouble we've seen, nobody knows...

So we began to ponder the question...Lord, what are you doing?  Where do YOU want us to go and what is important to us?  Is it simply this stunning geography? Or should we consider our boys living around family or our aging parents?  We can't have it all...

Himself got a job offer today, approximately one hour away from his parents.  I am quite amazed really at how excited I am for a change, for an adventure, and sunshine (Who wouldn't sign up for that after a dreary Flathead winter?).  Now it's about all the logistics of moving from here to there; 3000 miles or so, no small feat. And right now I am more than a little exhausted thinking about it, but like everything it's one foot in front of the other and a whole lotta leaning on Jesus along the way!  All the stuffs of living here since '92 and all the friends made since then, but who knows what friends will be a part of our lives there...kind of a new start where maybe we won't be pigeon holed by others and maybe we'll give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and step out in new ways ourselves.  God knows what is on the other side, literally, and it's just my job to trust and walk in graciousness throughout the journey, truly a work of the Lord in my life from start to finish. 

And so I'll walk...and eventually soar by the grace of God...

Ponderings...

Last night I was typing medical transcription when all of a sudden I realized our cat Marly was missing. We had such a busy afternoon that I hadn't noticed until quite late...so I searched for him throughout the whole house and there was no Marly...

I decided to go for a walk in search of him and I passed one house where Phyllis lived, but now her husband lives there alone and I wondered how he was doing, then I passed the house where Dewey lived and he was now gone.  As I walked I passed where a friend used to live, he died of a sudden heart attack a few years back.  At MOPS today a woman who was pregnant has returned from out of state empty handed with a broken heart...my own heart is heavy with the sorrows in my own life and those all around me...

I think of that Scripture that says, "Death where is your sting?"  It seems to me that death brings a horrible painful sting...

But though the pain is real and the pain is great, the one silver lining in this darkness is that it is temporary... I think of Paul's words in Corinthians...we are receiving a far greater glory that will far (FAR) outweigh ALL of our troubles and heartache!  Our job is to keep our eye on the prize, keep looking to our final reward and that dear hurting one, is real too, more real than we can even know or feel right now which is why we must walk by faith and not by what we see...we are closer to that day than when we first began this journey.  Let us hold on, don't let go until we are home safe through the burning tears, in spite of the gut-wrenching sorrow and then we can celebrate what God has done for us! 

Shattered Dreams...but He is Able!

Shattered dreams; part of our journey in life...we all have them...we all need to grieve the loss of them oftentimes over and over and over again and, you know, it never ever gets easy...

We can make our plans, but it is our  job to be flexible and willing to change them as we need to...goals are good, plans are necessary and having expectations of how things will go is  just part of life.  But, in all those plans we need to remain flexible and willing to bend when the Lord directs us to go in a different direction than what we had hoped and dreamed for.

I wanted to get married earlier in life, it didn't work out as I had planned.  I wanted to have a closeness with a very special person in my family, it has not happened.  I wanted to have children earlier, but number one (marriage) didn't happen until way later than I had hoped and now I find myself as a new mom in my late forties.  I wanted to homeschool my children and yet I am not sure that will happen...so many disappointments, but will I remain brokenhearted and bitter or look up to the Creator that does all things well?

Some of my dreams are based on values (like homeschooling), but God's ways are not our ways...we cannot understand the mind of God...He knows and understands our heart as well as our motives, but that does not mean all that we wish for will happen.

One of my dreams of sorts was to homeschool our son...because of our Christian values and beliefs, but he is an only child and we are wondering if it is the best way for him...Lord, we need wisdom beyond ourselves and the ability to see what You have in store...there is no guarantee that our kids will make right choices even if we do everything we can to help them, they have free wills...raising kids is one of the hardest and most heartbreaking jobs we will ever do and yet the most rewarding as well.  This is why being on our knees and crying out to the Lord for His direction is the only way we can move forward in confidence despite opposition and without regrets.

Yet, as a parent, we will always wonder if we did what was right, we will second-guess ourselves perpetually and take what people say about our kids to heart because we feel it reflects on us and we don't want to look bad or feel like failures to ourselves or to others...why do we worry so  much about what others think of us and our decisions when they are human just like us...

The love that we have for our kids is not enough to keep them from wrong choices...I love the thought I heard once that even though God is perfect, His kids did not turn out perfectly and yet He is LOVE!  He makes no mistakes...and in that I can take heart...unlike Him, I will make mistakes and unlike Him, my love is great, but flawed nonetheless.  We will fail in many ways in the raising of our children, but we are not failures!  We are flesh and bone, but we have a God that is bigger than anything we can do or not do...He is able even when we are not.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the  more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me".  2 Corinthians 12 9:10

So, here I will boast about my weakness...and there are many, but again a reminder to my own soul...He is able!

Life through Loss...

I wonder what it is like...to feel the movement of life in one's womb?  Though I have a son, I will never know...there are times when I see a pregnant woman or hear someone tell of their pregnancy or how they feel the baby kick or move and I have a moment of sadness, of loss...

I remember when I was a girl, my mother told of how hard giving birth was, the pain of it.  Honestly, I was scared to death and thought to myself that I never wanted to give birth, but would adopt...and here I am having done just that...adopted and not given birth...

I am grateful for our son...no matter how he came to us.  God has His ways.  Lately though I have thought about the real privilege it is to be a part of what God is doing...to have a part in conception and forming life....only once did God choice immaculate conception...His preferred method is the cooperation of his children to participate in the miracle of conception and birth.  Women are the only ones that get to experience life inside them, in their core and giving life and nurturing life is a huge part of their (our) calling.  Though I have not given life through my physical body; I have given life through the process of adoption...that process did not include nausea and vomiting and morning sickness or feeling the baby move; but it was a long, uphill climb kind of process that took an immense faith to believe that we would have a baby at the end...and we did give "birth" so to speak.  It was painful. It was hard.  It was nerve-wracking...but in the end a baby was born and he was to become our long-awaited son!  

Yes, I'll never know why I didn't get to experience the miracle of birth in the traditional way until eternity and yes, there will always be a loss there....experiencing loss is just part of living on this earth.  But, I have the opportunity to nurture a little boy that I get to call my son and that is no less a miracle!  And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity of being Mom to Josiah!