I Think You Might Know Now...

I am trying to figure out how I feel right now...numbness?  Overwhelming sadness?  Despair?  My feelings are, as usual a confusing thing.  Mom died on New Year's Day, I can't really comprehend that she is really gone, for good.  I am glad for her...no more pain or stress or crazy life to bear.  As I posted that day, not long after I found out...my heart is breaking in a million tiny pieces as it has so many times before regarding mom, but now they are broken and smashed, not able to be repaired until that day.  What day?  The day I get to run to Jesus, to her, to my grandmother, to my sister and all will be made right.  Is it possible?  Is it really possible that we can look into each other's eyes and see love there instead of judgement?  To not guard my every word, every thought, every gesture?  To have peace instead of never ending conflict due to misunderstanding after misunderstanding?  I feel lost, kind of helpless, bereft really...

I've needed my mom for a very long time!  A family member posted how she missed mom and I didn't know what to comment...so I commented nothing.  I wanted to scream!! Nothing really meant everything.  I have been grieving her loss in my life for so very long.  I have felt so alone for a very long time.  The one silver lining is that it is finished, I cannot do anything else to repair this relationship...it is now for me to make peace...

Three years ago she said to me, "I never wanted you to leave"...my mind felt like it was going to explode.  I wanted to scream, "Why didn't I get that memo?"  "Are you kidding me?"  The ironies that niggle at my mind all the time not just since she died but for years of unanswered questions.  "Why didn't I know?"  I remember back in 1993, after I had finished my DTS and SOW at YWAM...I was pondering the question of returning home or staying where I was.  I wanted to go home, but didn't feel any hope that things between Mom and I would change and it hurt too much so I didn't go home.  If I had gone home would the outcome have been any different?  Every time I went home, it was painful, tense and stressful.  How can one know?  The question still lingers now.  How I had wished that someday we could make peace.  I fantasized that it would happen someday...but I also wondered if this day might come as well, when one of us would die and all these questions and all this angst would remain...

Dear Mom...

i think you might know all this now but here goes...

The words i wish i could've said

or maybe did...but you just couldn't hear...

i know how hard it is to live with a broken heart

a senseless silence

an overwhelming sadness and angst

thinking death would be a welcome relief

i just can't figure out what went wrong-

i loved you so much but maybe

i was destined to fail from the start-

if only you could know my heart

(maybe you know now)

though definitely not perfect

'cause i'm far from that

 add hurts and all of it

gets very messy

on your side

and mine

but...through  it all i loved you deeply

i wanted so much for you to like me

to accept me...

to love me...

for us to talk...

share...

laugh...

together

maybe you already know all this now-

maybe you know i tried to see you 

before it was too late

maybe you know and because of your humanness

your heartaches, just couldn't

pick up that phone...

the message of us singing happy birthday

rings on that answering machine in my ears...from last May, 

eight months ago

now, i'll never know why until

heaven meets earth

when all will be made right-

maybe then you and i

and your Mom and Jackie too

can have peace inside ourselves

and with each other

maybe there are reasons you just couldn't explain-

"I wish you had never left"

no sadder words could have 

rung and rattled in my mind

and soul

and heart

why couldn't you tell me sooner?

Nothing but whys are left now

no answers

now dad with dementia

and all tightly kept

and tossed into the sea

my heart already damaged and ravaged

and the loss keeps coming

seemingly no end

but who cares anymore?

i will have you and so much more

someday, in heaven

when i too go home

until then Mom, i love you, always have,

never stopped

but...

i think you might know that now

Summer 2018

It's summer and what a beautiful summer it has been this year, 2018.  It is now August and I know this month is going to fly by like a race car's streaks.  I don't want it to end.  Camping, swimming, relaxing...complete with blue skies and sunshine aplenty.  But, unfortunately, it is a season and these long days of warmth will morph into cooler and cooler evenings alerting the trees and wildlife and us that fall is indeed on its way...

We have gotten to go swimming at a friend's condo pool once a week all summer, Elias has come a long way to not being afraid of the water, getting his face wet and jumping in with Mom "catching" him.  We went to a cabin in Coeur d'Alene with friends and swam, paddle boarded, even got to go on a speed boat that belonged to the neighbor's.  They too had a boy about Josiah's age.  We got to go to the town named Harrison and had ice cream.  Shortly after Kent's mom and dad and sister and brother-in-law came and we went to GNP at least three times getting to go to Many Glacier, which we hardly ever go to.  We were reminded that we need to get out there and camp there!  Lots of pictures were taken of the beauty.  I went huckleberry picking with the boys on Big Mountain and got a little less than a quart of berries.  No bear encounters, but boy was it hot.  Josiah wanted to go up to the top, I had no idea how far we needed to go, but it was a long, long way especially with a 35-pound boy on my back!  Josiah did great though and both the boys did very little complaining, for which I was grateful!  We were blessed with a ticket to go on the ski lift down and I was ecstatic to not have to hike back down after that grueling trip up!  Josiah said, "This is the best day ever!"  We were given another pass so we took another round trip on the ski lift!  We were all beat after we got down, that is for sure!  Our neighbor left town and let me pick raspberries, so I have lots in the freezer, again so grateful!

With fall, comes school...we are homeschooling again this year only this time we are branching out on our own for the first time ever.  It is a little nerve-wracking and yet liberating all at the same time.  We were part of a local cooperative school that met once a week on Mondays for two years and it was great (mostly), but the tuition went up drastically and we would like a little more financial freedom to do other things...

Lord help us as we embark on schooling our children to your glory!

Now, it is fire season in the mountains, which means smoke for us down in the valley...no vistas to behold, just an ominous perpetual gray...living elsewhere has never been more enticing!  Fire restrictions, level 2; not sure if we will go camping now....there will be no let up except for when the snow flies...

Musings of an older Mom...

I started writing this post right after we came home from finalizing the adoption of our youngest son, who was seven months old...what a blessing he is in our lives!  We waited for a long time for this little guy, five years almost to the day.  To think we almost gave up, not because we didn't want to wait anymore although that may be just a smidgen of it but mostly because we are not young parents.  We started our married life and now our parenting life very late...

I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mom; better late than never they say; but there are many days I wish I was younger for many, many reasons...

One of them is that I feel like I am not on the same wave length as so many other moms and maybe it's all my own perception that is coloring the situation, but I feel very insecure around all these young moms and feel like we can't connect...maybe a feeling more like I am being judged, but is it really me judging me?  I will never really know the answer to this and is it really that important that I do?  Sometimes it is better to not know the truth!  My problem is that I also feel lonely in this endeavor...some of my friends are older than me and are done with kids...sure, they love their grandkids, but they are not in a place where they want our kids around or at least that is the feeling I get.  Again, is it just my feelings that I am reading into everything?  Then I feel guilty because I am the one that signed up for this adventure so why am I in a place of discontent?  It is so weird!  I wonder if there are other older moms that find themselves sitting with these conflicted feelings as a result of not feeling like they fit anywhere or maybe this is just a holdover of how I have always struggled to fit in...

Also, I never knew that with mothering comes all this other stuff that I didn't really know I was signing up for...like dealing with all the other mothers and their opinions and having to be a part of this larger community for the sake of my sons.  Sometimes I just want to go back into being a hermit and not dealing with all the drama, judgment and silliness that goes with this territory.

God knows.  God knows that this is what I would be facing and that I would need to call out to Him for help because I can't run away from it all as my son wants relationship with these other kids whose moms are twenty years my junior...right now he thinks we are pretty cool, but that may change when he sees how old we are compared to his friends mom's.

This is way more than I bargained for.  Lord help  me in my weakness and insecurity!

Some days...

Some days feel like they are never going to end...screaming kids, cranky husband, irritable self complete with lack of connection; a middle of January sort of day in the northwest...gray and all you want to do is zone or sleep.  But, sleep is not to come for these weary eyes until much, much later.

I'm sure I am not the first to call out, "When is this day going to end"?  "That's it, I'm done!"  But done we are not and this day will end before we know it.  Sometimes just hanging on by our fingernails is all we can do, though painful, it will end at some point.  God is the keeper of our days and our years...and He is good even when life gets hard because of our brokenness and the brokenness of others as well as the sinful world in which we live. 

I was pondering that thought the other day...how us sinful and broken parents are trying to raise up Godly, respectful children who are also broken from birth and how that brings great challenge right from the get go.  It is so easy to worry about the future sometimes, hoping and praying that our boys will love Jesus with all their hearts and not turn away from His ways; but they will fail.  To think that in God's perfectness his first two children, Adam and Eve who were born into a world without sin, sinned not too long after they were created when presented with a choice...not too encouraging!  They chose to listen to the evil serpent putting doubts into their heads and were led down a path of doubting their good Father and as a result rushed headlong into great destruction not only for themselves but for us all. 

Although not a very happy thought, God is a Father who loves and redemption is what He is in the business of doing!  So...I will do what I can do, mostly pray and try to listen to the Holy Spirit and blunder my way through parenthood, and He will do what He will do with the hearts of my boys...drawing and wooing them as only He can in and through their failures and mine!

You Look Like....

What would he/she would've looked like?  Would she look like me?  Would he be like me? Questions that all came to my mind the other morning while making our bed for some reason, right out of the blue.  We have two beautiful adopted sons and we are grateful for the chance to be parents although being older parents sometimes poses unique challenges that one doesn't think about until there.  I don't think too much about the what if's, probably an exercise in futility, but it was an interesting as well as a sort of haunting thought.  I think I thought of this because I had been looking at pictures of one of our sons siblings and birth mother and was trying to figure out who he resembled.  Might we have had a girl I already know what her name was going to be..."Bella Faith", and that makes me sad.  My grandmother's name was Bella and I always wanted to honor her and my mom for her loss and my loss of not having her in my life.  But that is not the plan God had for me.  I wistfully think of that often actually and grieve over the loss of what apparently can never be...

One of our sons looks a lot like us, people often tell us that and no one would know that he was adopted.  The other son is another ethnicity so there are never comments about how he looks so much like us.  It may seem like a small thing, but it is a thing nonetheless.  I don't think about that part very much at all, but there are fleeting moments when it crosses my mind and I am sure as they get older it will cross their minds as well.

God knows what He is up to and it is up to  me to trust that His plans are good and there is where I will leave this lingering thought....

Mind Meanderings...

I am tired tonight...often I feel quite good throughout the day as I tackle homeschooling our nearly seven-year-old son and cleaning up the mini messes and not so mini disasters of our nearly two-year-old.  Then today, I look up toward the ceiling in the kitchen for whatever reason and there I find a newfound leak bubbling into the shape of a water balloon longing to burst.  So a call to hubby to alert him, change my plans for finishing science, trying to get homemade pizzas somewhat pre-made as we also have an appointment and a couple of errands to do before coming home for dinner.  You know how it goes...one thing after another, some days it seems like nothing can be easy.  I was just talking to God the other day about that...in the midst of great frustration after one small thing after another turned into a trying test of patience I blurted right out loud to him, "Why can't anything ever be easy Lord"?  Some days are just like that...

Anyway, my son and hubby were watching a kid's show and after I began to notice my legs aching, I decided to take a hot bath to relax and draw out the kinks.  As I soaked, a family member came to mind...prayers for mercy, for healing, for hope poured out like the water gushing out of the faucet.  I was convicted of my own wrongdoing and wondered for the billionth time why and what and where to go from here...so many questions and so many haunting unanswerables...

My mind wandered to the Scripture my son and I have revisited again to memorize..."Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love NEVER fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  Like NEVER EVER.  God is love, without him, we cannot hope to love like that.  We fail over and over again, daily, hourly...I have failed to love this person well, but am at a loss as to how to to do that.  I prayed for wisdom in the situation.  I prayed for forgiveness for my part once again and for the strength to love well.  To not keep record of wrongs done, to be patient.  But, my heart remains sad...a daily sadness that hovers over me sometimes like a light spring jacket and other times like a heavy wet wool...

We live in a world of sin and horrible brokenness.  Just look at the news at any hour of every day and you and I will be reminded of this tragic fact...accidents, murders, sex trafficking, missing children, lying, cheating and stealing abounds and it can leave a soul parched for something...sometimes we walk around so thirsty, we can barely get through a day due to dehydration.  A lack of encouragement, a lack of Living Water for our desperate souls.  God knows the pain of the earth.  He sees our struggle day after day.  I bet there are times he longs to scoop up those who love him and take away all the angst, but instead comforts us with his words of peace, of love and of our home that awaits just beyond the clouds.  Oh, some days, those imaginations of what heaven will be like light my fire, get me through another hard thing and help me to stay the course that I am on.

We press on for the high calling...we keep going knowing that this present tribulation is not to be compared with the joy that will come (my paraphrase).  To press on indicates there will be struggle and God's Word does say, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world".  Pressing means you have to exert yourself, there will be resistance.  But we press on with God's strength each and every day.  And on this Word I will continue to hope!

The Generations...

Last night I found myself binging on Cheez-Its while watching a show on Parenthood.  I saw our family in the episodes being played out...the siblings questions, the parent's own mistakes and the sins and dysfunctions of the children and grandchildren...as the world turns...

Josiah and I read in the Bible nearly everyday...we just finished the book of Daniel today and started the Book of Hosea...and there we see the siblings questions as in Joseph's story, where jealousy plays out, where parent's mistakes play out all through the Old Testament with David and Bathsheba, Nabal and his wife, and the list could go on and on and the children who fall into deception and sin...even God's first children (with a perfect parent) are deceived and the course of the future is set; sin is in the heart of every man and with it comes great and terrible heartache....

Heartache to be passed on from generation to generation, the sins of our fathers to the third and fourth generations...

How do we extricate ourselves from the pain?  How do we change and not become a victim, hurting ourselves over and over in the process and not being able to move forward?  How do we even recognize when we are the ones that need to need to change?  We are blinded by our self deception and denial.  "Who will deliver us from this body of death, but thanks be to God who always leads us in triumphal procession!"   I think triumph may look different to God than it does to us...triumph is not the world's version or vision of success.  We think of those who have money, fame, fortune or popularity as successful but many are harboring secret sins, despairing of a meaningless and purposeless existence (If not then why all the drugs, alcohol and suicides among those in Hollywood).  The age old ache of our soul, the questions without answers, all meant, I believe, to lead us to the answers...and it's not simply "Blowing in the Wind" (unless you are referring to the wind of God's spirit).  Our discontentment, our disillusionment and our often low-level if not full-blown depression should drive us to the manufacturer, the Creator of you and of me.  What are the manufacturer's recommended instructions for the proper use and care of our bodies and our souls?  The Word of God reveals the answers if we would have the patience to read them and not just rush headlong thinking we already know what to do, don't have the time to refer to the manual...what often happens when we do not follow the instructions when putting something together or don't follow a recipe as written...sometimes it will turn out okay, but then there are other times we are stressed if it is going to work out or it just plain flops and we get irritated with ourselves for not following the directions...

It is pretty simple really and yet the hardest thing we will ever do; follow and trust...

Waiting well...

We are waiting for something that is life-changing to our whole family.  How many of us wait well?  I am not a patient person by nature.  We have been waiting for this baby bundle ever since January of 2011.   We have been waiting to move on with our life. So much seems to hinge on this that we have been left in a holding pattern for far too long.  Someone told me this weekend that one of the most difficult stressors is just this, waiting for the unknown... How is it going to happen, when is it going to happen...will it ever happen...so many questions yet to be answered.

I feel the stress of waiting and not knowing even if it is going to happen.  I am frustrated in the wait.  Many days I am at peace, but there is this languishing and longing that presses on my heart relentlessly.  How does one pray for something so elusive, so nebulous?  How does one pray when one does not even know if it will happen or even whether it is supposed to happen?  I guess that is true for so many things in our lives...but we press on and we pray on...precisely because we do not know the future, but to be a bit trite; we know who holds the future!

I turn forty-eight this next birthday, just a month away...much older than a typical mother-in-waiting.  Our son is now going to be five in April.  Time is marching on and leaving our dreams in the shadows.  

But God is God and we are not.  He knows perfectly what He is up to, we just wish He would let us in on it.  Are we to continue waiting or are we to say enough?  It feels as though we have had enough waiting and wondering and wishing for a lifetime.  But, the funny thing is, there will always be something else to wait for; maybe not as seemingly life-changing, but just as important for us at that time, I'm sure.  So, maybe the prayer we need to pray is, "Lord, help us wait well" and "May we be ready for whatever answer you would have for us when it is time for us to know it".

And to that end, we wait...

Elias!

After a very long wait and almost giving up, the mystery child is now here and part of our family.  He was born April 27th and that very day he became a part of our family forever!  As with Josiah, we had very little time to prepare as we got the call from the social worker the very day he was born.  We were asked to get to him as quickly as we could, we had to gather our things and go two hours away from home.  We talked about names on the way.  Josiah was smiling from ear to ear!  We were all so excited.  When we arrived, he was in the care of the social worker at her office as his birth mother had left the hospital already.  He was beautiful and of course brought this mom to tears.

Now, all we had to do was wait, that's right, wait with the little cutie with us in the hotel.  At this point, the birth parent's had 72 hours to change their minds.  We were told that that was unlikely but there is always a chance.  So, we went home and rested and got to know this little guy.  We went swimming with Josiah and enjoyed the hot tubs (taking turns of course).  The next day we went to a children's museum in the area, went out to lunch and got used to having a baby again.  

We talked over the next days and hours of our feelings...feelings about having a Hispanic little boy and how we would handle it if his birth parent's changed their minds.  We were trying to hold him loosely, wanting the very best for him and not for ourselves.

We were in contact with the social worker during this time.  After two days we decided on Elias as it is a derivative of Elijah and yet has a Spanish ring to it as well to honor his heritage too.  The two boys share the same middle name as a way to connect the two of them further.

On the morning of the third day, the social worker was to meet with the birth parent's and have them sign the paperwork to relinquish this child from their care.  We of course were anxious and wondering what the final outcome would be.  We went to a music store and bought a smaller guitar for Josiah (that I could play at the campfires when we go camping).  While we were there the SW texted us and said, "Congratulations, Elias has found his forever family".  It gives me chills even as I write this twenty months later!  His birth parent's really liked his name and were grateful that we loved their boy.  We expressed gratitude that they chose life for this boy!

After a five year wait, he has now been with us for twenty months and what a precious little boy he is!  How can anyone thank someone for a gift like this?  Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gifts!

Deeply Loved

I was listening to an audio book yesterday while cleaning out the refrigerator called "The Broken Way"by Ann Voskamp.  She is such a descriptive writer!  In the sixth chapter she writes about an idea that I had never thought of before.  The fact that we often talk about believing in God, but that he also believes in us!  Wow!  He knows us better than anyone does since he created us and he also knows what we will face from day to day.  He knows that he is enough for whatever comes our way and he believes in us that we can hold on and even more than merely that, thrive!  He is our righteous judge, our advocate cheering us on whether we think we are succeeding or feel as though we are just a moment away from giving up, throwing in our towel...He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.  His acceptance does not depend on whether we have it all together but that he does have it all together!

An issue that has faced me throughout my life that I cannot make heads or tales no matter how much I try to understand always plagues me in the back of my mind.  It is difficult to let it go...to not get down on myself for it.  I may never come to grasp on all the whys in this life time, but I do know that God knows!  He gets me and the situation, he knows my heart.  Though I have this "thorn in my side" that bruises and breaks my heart on a regular basis, his eyes turn toward mine with great compassion and says, "I know and I see your heart; you  have nothing to fear".

I have not felt believed in myself for much of my life.  I have always felt like I didn't fit, wasn't quite cool enough (whatever that is), not enough...Struggles keep me doubting myself and my abilities, leaving me insecure and wanting to hide in a closet somewhere sometimes.  But God!  The one who made me, the one who sees me, the one who holds and counts every tear, the one who created me also believes in me!  I am thankful for a God that is both powerful, able and willing to help me.  I can trust my just and righteous advocate to stand up for me to the accuser (s)!  I can leave it there and allow myself to do more than just survive, but to thrive until I meet my Savior, my cheerleader, my God face-to-face!  All I need to remind myself...whether it is every minute, every hour, every day;  however often I need to...I am deeply loved...and so are you!  Our God believes in us!  If we get that deep in our hearts, our spirits that is enough to live freely, boldly and fully alive!

The Changes of Life

We are on the cusp of a huge change...one that I have fought against for ten years; a move across the country...so many miles, miles apart from our family and now we contemplate and wrestle with the possibility of it now, two children later and more stuff than I care to pack!  This is a test in so many ways and so it has been since we sold our house, moved into an apartment and bought a lot to build the house we designed with an architect only to have our plans come to a screeching halt!

No church, no house, and a job that has been moving us away from this love of Montana...what is Montana worth to us?  Oh the trouble we've seen, nobody knows...

So we began to ponder the question...Lord, what are you doing?  Where do YOU want us to go and what is important to us?  Is it simply this stunning geography? Or should we consider our boys living around family or our aging parents?  We can't have it all...

Himself got a job offer today, approximately one hour away from his parents.  I am quite amazed really at how excited I am for a change, for an adventure, and sunshine (Who wouldn't sign up for that after a dreary Flathead winter?).  Now it's about all the logistics of moving from here to there; 3000 miles or so, no small feat. And right now I am more than a little exhausted thinking about it, but like everything it's one foot in front of the other and a whole lotta leaning on Jesus along the way!  All the stuffs of living here since '92 and all the friends made since then, but who knows what friends will be a part of our lives there...kind of a new start where maybe we won't be pigeon holed by others and maybe we'll give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and step out in new ways ourselves.  God knows what is on the other side, literally, and it's just my job to trust and walk in graciousness throughout the journey, truly a work of the Lord in my life from start to finish. 

And so I'll walk...and eventually soar by the grace of God...

Ponderings...

Last night I was typing medical transcription when all of a sudden I realized our cat Marly was missing. We had such a busy afternoon that I hadn't noticed until quite late...so I searched for him throughout the whole house and there was no Marly...

I decided to go for a walk in search of him and I passed one house where Phyllis lived, but now her husband lives there alone and I wondered how he was doing, then I passed the house where Dewey lived and he was now gone.  As I walked I passed where a friend used to live, he died of a sudden heart attack a few years back.  At MOPS today a woman who was pregnant has returned from out of state empty handed with a broken heart...my own heart is heavy with the sorrows in my own life and those all around me...

I think of that Scripture that says, "Death where is your sting?"  It seems to me that death brings a horrible painful sting...

But though the pain is real and the pain is great, the one silver lining in this darkness is that it is temporary... I think of Paul's words in Corinthians...we are receiving a far greater glory that will far (FAR) outweigh ALL of our troubles and heartache!  Our job is to keep our eye on the prize, keep looking to our final reward and that dear hurting one, is real too, more real than we can even know or feel right now which is why we must walk by faith and not by what we see...we are closer to that day than when we first began this journey.  Let us hold on, don't let go until we are home safe through the burning tears, in spite of the gut-wrenching sorrow and then we can celebrate what God has done for us! 

Shattered Dreams...but He is Able!

Shattered dreams; part of our journey in life...we all have them...we all need to grieve the loss of them oftentimes over and over and over again and, you know, it never ever gets easy...

We can make our plans, but it is our  job to be flexible and willing to change them as we need to...goals are good, plans are necessary and having expectations of how things will go is  just part of life.  But, in all those plans we need to remain flexible and willing to bend when the Lord directs us to go in a different direction than what we had hoped and dreamed for.

I wanted to get married earlier in life, it didn't work out as I had planned.  I wanted to have a closeness with a very special person in my family, it has not happened.  I wanted to have children earlier, but number one (marriage) didn't happen until way later than I had hoped and now I find myself as a new mom in my late forties.  I wanted to homeschool my children and yet I am not sure that will happen...so many disappointments, but will I remain brokenhearted and bitter or look up to the Creator that does all things well?

Some of my dreams are based on values (like homeschooling), but God's ways are not our ways...we cannot understand the mind of God...He knows and understands our heart as well as our motives, but that does not mean all that we wish for will happen.

One of my dreams of sorts was to homeschool our son...because of our Christian values and beliefs, but he is an only child and we are wondering if it is the best way for him...Lord, we need wisdom beyond ourselves and the ability to see what You have in store...there is no guarantee that our kids will make right choices even if we do everything we can to help them, they have free wills...raising kids is one of the hardest and most heartbreaking jobs we will ever do and yet the most rewarding as well.  This is why being on our knees and crying out to the Lord for His direction is the only way we can move forward in confidence despite opposition and without regrets.

Yet, as a parent, we will always wonder if we did what was right, we will second-guess ourselves perpetually and take what people say about our kids to heart because we feel it reflects on us and we don't want to look bad or feel like failures to ourselves or to others...why do we worry so  much about what others think of us and our decisions when they are human just like us...

The love that we have for our kids is not enough to keep them from wrong choices...I love the thought I heard once that even though God is perfect, His kids did not turn out perfectly and yet He is LOVE!  He makes no mistakes...and in that I can take heart...unlike Him, I will make mistakes and unlike Him, my love is great, but flawed nonetheless.  We will fail in many ways in the raising of our children, but we are not failures!  We are flesh and bone, but we have a God that is bigger than anything we can do or not do...He is able even when we are not.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the  more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me".  2 Corinthians 12 9:10

So, here I will boast about my weakness...and there are many, but again a reminder to my own soul...He is able!

Life through Loss...

I wonder what it is like...to feel the movement of life in one's womb?  Though I have a son, I will never know...there are times when I see a pregnant woman or hear someone tell of their pregnancy or how they feel the baby kick or move and I have a moment of sadness, of loss...

I remember when I was a girl, my mother told of how hard giving birth was, the pain of it.  Honestly, I was scared to death and thought to myself that I never wanted to give birth, but would adopt...and here I am having done just that...adopted and not given birth...

I am grateful for our son...no matter how he came to us.  God has His ways.  Lately though I have thought about the real privilege it is to be a part of what God is doing...to have a part in conception and forming life....only once did God choice immaculate conception...His preferred method is the cooperation of his children to participate in the miracle of conception and birth.  Women are the only ones that get to experience life inside them, in their core and giving life and nurturing life is a huge part of their (our) calling.  Though I have not given life through my physical body; I have given life through the process of adoption...that process did not include nausea and vomiting and morning sickness or feeling the baby move; but it was a long, uphill climb kind of process that took an immense faith to believe that we would have a baby at the end...and we did give "birth" so to speak.  It was painful. It was hard.  It was nerve-wracking...but in the end a baby was born and he was to become our long-awaited son!  

Yes, I'll never know why I didn't get to experience the miracle of birth in the traditional way until eternity and yes, there will always be a loss there....experiencing loss is just part of living on this earth.  But, I have the opportunity to nurture a little boy that I get to call my son and that is no less a miracle!  And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity of being Mom to Josiah!

He is Faithful...more of our adoption journey...

The wait continues, excrutiatingly...years have and are going by. We began our second adoption process in January 2011, Josiah turns five on April 10th.  We wonder where God is in the middle of this and what He is up to....We see teens having babies without any trouble, families easily getting pregnant and even knowing there are abortions happening every day whille we long for a little boy or girl.  There is no making sense out of the senseless...there is only trust in a God who knows way more than we do and that is not always easy, it is a moment by moment walk.  

So, a couple of weeks ago were called by the social worker on a Saturday (An unusual occurence to be called on the weekend).  She was passing through Great Falls and met with a birthmother and wanted to know if she could show her our profile...on our PPDS data sheet we chose to not be shown to birthmother's wh have been on drugs...well, this birthmother had used meth for her first trimester...Normallly, we would not even be called about this siutation, but because we are now officially the longest waiting couple the SW asked usi if she could call us each time there was a birthmother even if she did not match our PPDS.  Of course, we said yes.  There are only eight couples waiting at this point because there have been such few adoptions and LSS was trying to get us all placed more quickly, but they said they are going to have to add more potential adoptivce parents to the waiting list now.  

It struck me how most people are not put in this situation...their lives hanging in the balance with a momentous decision such as this....do we accept a crack or meth baby?  Apparenttly the cause and effect of a meth baby is not defiinitiviely correlated...in other words, no one really knows.  A lot depends on what parts of the baby are being devceloped at the time of the drug use.  The first trimester is when the tiny body parts are being formed...so supposedly it can affect those parts the most.  

Part of me becomes a bit self-righteous maybe, that here we are; never took drugs, rarely drink and we are having to decide whether or not we will take drug addicted babies or potential fetal alcohol babies...and yet, these babies need moms and dads too...they need the love of a family and to learn and know of the love of God too...

It is a scary proposition to embark on this course....will we be dealing with learning disabilities, depressed or hyper kids, some kind of deformities or disabilities?  Who knows what these drugs can do to a little fetus in utero?  Do we say yes to the unknown?  Are we listening to the spirit throughout this whole process?  Are we just afraid?  Are we responding in faith or fear?  We need God's wisdom and intervention throughout this whole process, only He knows and He can give us the peace through any situation if we know we are following Him through it all...

In the end, she chose another profile and our profile was never shown as the SW had called us and we were not available initially...we weren't chosen, again...But, God knows all there is to know.  He understands the situation.  He knows what we can handle and what we cannot...and in the end, His will will be done!  He is faithful through it all even in the midst of our pain, our wavering hearts, and our questioning souls...He is faithful, yes, He IS faithful!

"Closure"

I just finished watching a documentary about a girl named Angela.  What a beautiful girl, both sweet and strong.  This is her story about her journey finding her birthmother and birthfather.  She was looking for closure.  This struck a chord with me...from several very different angles.  The first and most obvious is that of our son...who is adopted.  He was adopted at six days old.  I am reminded of the importance and great meaning it is to send letters with updates and pictures to the adoption agency so that the birthmother can, if she wishes, be comforted that their child is well cared for.  The loss a birthmother feels is great, beyond words...the secrets that she holds for years, decades even and the sadness and grief she carries, alone...

I felt the initial fear of the adoptive mother when her daughter wanted to embark on searching for her birthparents and yet the reassurance that we as adoptive parents cannot be replaced.  We hold a special place in the heart of our child and always will so we can be free to allow our children to do what they need to do and to support them in that endeavor; a search for peace, for understanding.  That they would know their roots, where they came from; the cloth they were made from.  It's natural for us to want to know who we look like, what our story is generationally; our heritage...

I think of our our son and how he may have brothers and sisters, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles...all a piece of him and he, a part of them...

One comment that was made by Angela's sister after they had just connected, was "What kind of a woman would I be if I had had a sister to go through life with"...this hit me...deeply....

My sister Jackie died when I was four-years-old.  I miss her so much sometimes and it seems I miss her even more now than ever.  What would I have been like if I had a sister to love, to fight with, to share secrets with?  I would be a different person today, no doubt...maybe less reserved...less fearful of sharing who I am with others...more affectionate.  So many memories we could share and so many struggles that she would understand.  Of course, these are all dreams...who knows how it all would've turned out...but the dream haunts me  today.  The loss of her in my life, in my journey not to mention the loss of my grandmother as well.  How can one miss those they haven't seen or remember so deeply?  As I get older, I think of them more and more and long to have long talks about life and how it has turned out and how I wish they could have been a part of my story over the last forty-four years before they left this earth.  Maybe many things would make sense...

I also think about how I lost my mother in so many ways too...just like Angela lost her birthmother; yet she had an adoptive mother who loves her and supports her.   My heart is broken over a loss that I just have no clue how to "fix"...I grieve over this so much...how I wish the clock could be turned back and life's picture could be painted again...a little touch up here, a major revision there....this painting seems so bleak; all color is lost.  

How I long for closure too...

Be at Peace With Others...

Relationships are hard, really hard!  Dealing with other sinners just like me just doesn't always produce very good fruit or friendships for that matter...whether it be in the difficulties of home life with your spouse or other family members and in friendships; maintaining healthy communication, not getting our feelings hurt, not assuming we know another's motives without asking them or just dealing with all of our idiosyncrasies, sometimes it would be so much easier to just live as a hermit...or it is just me who has hermit tendencies?

I have a friend who has been going through a hard time in her life and has for quite some time...I think she is upset with me.  Now, she has not said that she was upset, but is acting like she is upset and as a result, I feel irritated and manipulated by her...so, we have not talked in a couple weeks, which is not typical.  I thought if I just ignored it she would get over it and everything would be fine.
I am not sure what to do now...

One of the Scriptures I have been memorizing is 1 John 2:9 which says, "Anyone who claims to be in the light and hates his brother, remains in the darkness".  Yikes!  There are so many Scriptures that admonish us to love our brothers and sisters and remind us that that is a mark of a believer, that we love one another...for we have the "ministry of reconciliation"!

God knows how hard it is for us to get over ourselves, our attitudes, our entitlements, our selfishness, our desire to be right, our weaknesses...and yet He calls us up to deal with all of these things, to make no provision for the flesh as Paul says.  We are to do whatever it takes to bring about mutual edification..."As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men".

Guess I know what I need to do...

Make that call...

For mercy triumphs over judgment...

Praying for the victims of ISIS

Yesterday I was exercising and listening to worship music, as I usually do.  I do not remember what song was on; but I began to pray...to pray for Christians a world away who are dealing with very real physical persecution...from the hands of ISIS.  I had read that morning that there was a young woman, 28-years-old, whose parents had received a confirmed word that their daughter was dead...I cannot imagine getting news like that...it is beyond understanding; obviously evil to its core...

The ISIS (they used to be Al Quada in Iraq and then they were defeated, but not destroyed) have been torturing and beheading Christians and other Americans in Iraq and Syria...

I began praying and literally crying on behalf of these people who are enduring such horrendous atrocities...I was reminded of  Pastor Saeed Abedini who has been a prisoner in Iraq for at least two years.

The blood of the persecuted cries out...even so Lord, come!

On whom does it depend?

We had an interesting discussion tonight at home group....spurring lots of thoughts.  We talked of seasons in our lives...the imperceptible changes that take place deep within one's soul during these times.  The wintry, dry seasons that can bring us to despair or feeling as though something is just not clicking and we feel shame.  We talked of the season of grief....both through death and also through emotional loss.  It is okay to just be, to take the time necessary to feel the feelings, to ask the questions, to reminisce, to cry, to pray (or not).  Seasons where the wind blows over our dusty soul.  Seasons where the green vibrant leaves turn to orange and red colors and fall to the ground quietly and become part of the landscape, a catalyst for change, one where we notice that something is changing.

God is not worried about what I do.  He is not upset when I do not have a quiet time for days or weeks at a time...(we are the ones that lose out on peace that could've been ours for the day, hope in a difficult situation or wisdom for whatever we may face).  He does not need me, He just wants me to be with him.  We think we will meet with him and be blessed (and we will), but not necessarily like we thought...God can work and is working in us and around us in spite of us..."He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" Philippians 4:13

We talked of where weeds can grow up and distract....so many things pull us from what is truly important and sometimes we cannot see it until it is too late.  All is meaningless as the writer of Ecclesiastes, Solomon, realizes time after time.

God loves us no matter what, no matter what season we may find ourselves in..."I will never leave  you nor forsake you", Hebrews 13:5 has always been one of my most favorite promises from Scripture.  I think of Psalm 139 as well where David talks of whether we are in the deepest hell or the highest mountain, God is still with us...  So, we cannot do anything or not do anything that will drive our Heavenly Father away from us.  God is not watching to see if we spend time with Him today reading His Word and then giving us a star on our scorecard for good behavior.  He is not concerned with anything really except for "hanging out with us", because He loves us and He knows what we need to be at peace, to thrive in the difficulties of life.

I brought up the fact that with gardening there are things that you need to do to be able to reap a harvest...first, plant the seed; the lettuce is not going to arrive in the spring unless I cultivate the soil and plant the seed, fertilize or compost it, water it and weed it.  Does that mean I need to "cultivate" my relationship with God somehow or is it all about God drawing and wooing me alone?  It seems that the Bible often has a cause and effect or condition and promise system mentioned in both Old Testament and New Testament...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg scenario pops in my mind at this point...we love because He first loved us or do we love because we are trying to gain His love?  Why are we doing what we are doing; reading our Bible, memorizing Scripture, serving the poor or having our morning quiet time ritual?  Is it because we want to connect with our Father or is it because we are afraid of His judgment or trying to gain His approval?  It seems to me that it is really a motivation thing more than any "thing".  

I was thinking of relationships...do I intentionally seek out moments to connect with my husband for example or does it happen without me even trying sometimes?  Sometimes I have noticed that the times I am trying "too hard"  blow up in my face and at other times it just happens naturally without me working at it at all....Is it a combination of both?  

How about long-distance family?  Do I need to purposefully cultivate relationships or is there a familiarity that stands the test of time with a security in the relationship that is already established so that no matter what I do or don't do as far as connecting is concerned, that bond remains close?  If it is close, don't I feel "closer" per se when I spend time talking with them and visiting them?  

It seems that it is neither and both all at the same time...it depends on the quality of the relationship for one and we know that God is perfect, all-loving and a very present help in our time of need (even when we do not know that we need).  So, at least one-half of this friendship will not fail.  So, the question for me at this point is do we have any responsibility in the quality of our relationship with God?  One verse says, "It does not depend on man's desire or effort..."  

It seems the more I ponder this thought, the more of a quandary I am in.  James tells us that "Faith without works is dead".  Or to put it in my own words..."your faith without actions means nothing". Again, it is about motivation...what is driving the actions?  You already have God's approval; you are his child!  I think of my relationship with my son, whether he does good or bad, excels at piano or fails to listen in music lessons; he is my son and I love him!  His poor choices break my heart and his good choices encourage me, but either way I love him still.  I am committed to him and will never abandon him no matter what!

I am loved by my Abba Daddy no matter what, but His heart grieves when I make bad decisions...and as a result I may face the natural consequences of my poor decisions.  I am thinking of the judgment of Israel, being led to captivity in Babylon...they sought other gods, they filled the void they had with idols...and we are no different though our "gods" may look different...but God loved them and His compassions do not fail and He eventually delivered them out the hands of their captors...

Today, I will seek  my God at all times, His praise will continually be on my lips!  I will remind myself that I am loved, no matter what and will rest in a love so complete and so pure that there is no need for me to run anywhere else....

Our Adoption Journey

I haven't written in a long time regarding our adoption journey.  We started our second adoption process in January 2011 with lots of paperwork and were "Ready and waiting" in August of that same year.

Now it is  February 2014!  My husband is fifty-one on the nineteenth of this month and I am forty-nine this coming November; we are no spring chickens.  Our first son, Josiah, is now going to be five-years-old on April 10.  We have waited and waited for a long time.  We have contemplated when it is time to stop waiting even if we do not have a baby...our fos-adopt licence is in effect until August of this year and we have talked about stopping the process then if we still do not have a baby placed with us.  We certainly do not come to this decision lightly.  We really felt God was leading us in that direction.  We really wanted a brother or sister for Josiah...But, who can know the mind of God?  We have invested so much into this adoption; time, money, resources, prayer...you name it!  It is scary to come to the point of saying no when it could have been any day or month and we have gotten "THE" call...but how long are we to hold on?

Speaking of calls....we received a call from Katherine a couple of weeks ago.  She was asking us if we were open to adopting an eight-month-old healthy baby boy as the birthmother had felt that she had not bonded with this baby and was ready to place him (she had gone to the adoption agency when she had found out she was pregnant and decided to parent the child).  The excitement of it all.  "Is this the baby you have for us Lord?"  Excited and yet, full of trepidation...an eight-month-old?  Now, I wold love to have an infant past the initial stages of infancy, but isn't separation anxiety at its height in a baby of this age?  What would happen if the baby who is used to the smell, sound and routines of his birthmother sees that she is not there?  Inconsolable crying?  How could I handle this little guy who cannot understand where his mother has gone and rejects me as his mother?  I was imagining my husband at work and me trying to handle a heartbroken little boy crying his eyes out hour after hour, day after day and maybe even week after week...

Who knows how the little boy would have done and how I would have handled it; we did not get chosen after all...part of me was relieved and part of me was disappointed too...when would we get the call?  Will it ever happen?  So many dichotomies in life that are irreconcilable...it is not for us to understand, it is only for us to trust that our times are in God's hands and He alone understands our hearts and He alone is able to make all grace abound to us as we continue this journey that we do not know how it will end.  I am always encouraged by the story of Hagar...when she was in the desert, thrown out of her master's house, nearly dying of thirst with her boy, Ishmael; "God knows, God sees, God hears".  I am so comforted by that today as I think about our journey in the desert of not knowing or understanding all the whys.

And so, in our "not-knowing", we trudge on...though our waiting is nearly over (one way or the other), I am certain our days of waiting will never end.  It seems we all are waiting for something at many points of our life...it is our job, my job, not just to wait, but to wait well...only by the grace of God!