Yesterday was a hectic day- even though I am a stay-at-home mom it seems there is never enough time in a day. Sometimes I just don't know how pace myself and probably "waste" time talking to people, but I need that...Anyway, so I had to go out for a qpon class, came home, starting working on the medical transcription that I also have to do every day, I actually thought I was going to be done early when I had a very pleasant, but nevertheless, unexpected guest. She and I talked for probably an hour-and-a-half. Then I get back onto my work and I had this strange issue with my reports that I couldn't figure out how to get rid of this line along the left margin, so rather than utiilizing the template that I had created I had to resort to basically to starting all over, triple the work than I would've had. Then I go to make pasta for dinner to go along with my homemade tomato sauce and there is no pasta...my husband picked it up on his way home from work, but our time was crunched to get to our home group. Our son still needed to be fed, changed, and gotten ready to go as well as myself and my husband. So I was pretty exhaused, but still knew I wanted to go to home group, I was desperate to hear the heart of my God...things can get so busy that I feel empty inside. I needed to be filled up.
So we get there...as Dave is speaking I feel my emotion bubbling up so strongly that I cannot contain it...what was it about...I'm not entirely sure except that I long for my heart to know the love and grace of my Father as he was explaining. I feel tired of fighting...tired of trying to find my Father some days. I need Him and want Him so badly, but somtetimes He feels so elusive. Dave talked about how we will know how much of the Father's love we really have in how we treat others. Do we love them? Do we want our own way all the time? Do we talk about ourselves when we are with others? Do we put the other person first in our thoughts, conversations, actions, etcetera. The person we are currently with should be the one that we are putting first in that moment. Do we get offended easily? If we do then we are not truly walking in his love and truly receiving his grace, love, and acceptance into those deep hidden places. I feel sometimes like I am so wrestling with God (as well as others). I don't even understand my own heart sometimes. But the beauty is that I don't have to- God knows, He understands me, He sees the depth of my heart, He knows the hurts there that I cannot even express or articulate. My problem so often is that I have a lot of head knowledge, but it has not reached my emotions. We make decisions not really based on our thinking, but with our emotions. That's why we often do things that don't seem to match up with what we say. We are often surprised by what we do. I think that scripture that says, "The things I want to do I don't do and the things I don't want to do I do." How true is that?
How do we have our emotions changed? Through an encounter with our Father. Through a spiritual revelation that only comes through a one on one relationship with Jesus. We are so performance based, it is so insidious this spirit of religion. It's about how I have to DO something. I have to figure it out on my own. I have to understand. These are all things that I have to do, so therefore I am dependent on me and my abilities. It is a scary thing to have to trust someone else with our lives, our hearts, our deepest hurts. So, we try to fix it ourselves- as they say, "How is that working for you?" Not! I wear myself out trying. It is also idolatry. God is the one who made us, created our inmost beings, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.
So, a couple people get a Word from God for me...at this point I am crying- One says, "You don't have to slither to God, you can walk right up to Him, you are not deficient in any way." I wish I could remember more of what was prayed for me, but that is where I really am. Somehow, because of my sin, my failures, maybe even the rejection others have put upon me I have felt less than, not good enough...it's not always a conscience thing, but I do see it when I am around people- I often feel judged, like they are evaluating me and I am not measuring up.
The song that came to me right after the prayers was from Kim Hill..."I stand before You at the throne of grace...you wipe my tears away...at Your feet like a blameless child...to hear You whisper, gently whisper my name...
That kept going around and around in my head...just exactly what was spoken to me...
As I was sitting here on the couch in my living room I am reminded of how a "child" just wants to be near their parent. Our cat Millie has been with me for probably over 12 years now. Where I am is usually where she wants to be. When I was in bed, she came to me there and cozied herself right in the crook of my arm. I got up and sat on the couch, she got comfortable on my lap, purring all the while. She is comfortable there. She is happy there. She is at peace there. She comes boldly to me. Sometimes when I am busy and have my Bible study on my lap or the computer she tries to figure out a way to get near me anyway. She wants me to make room for her. She is persistent. It is not "I have to." It is not, "she expects me to sit here." She just likes it there. When she doesn't come sometimes I will search her out and sometimes I will let her be. God always searches us out. He is always calling for us to come unto Him. "Come unto me all that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Wow! How often do I think He is going to be mad at me because I haven't come in a while and feel like He is now disappointed? How often do I really see Him as He really is- loving, kind, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love? If not, then why don't I see Him that way? "I believe, help my unbelief!" Lord, I want that. I want to know You as You really are...not the God of my own mind, of my childhood, or whatever. But the real You! Lord, I come. "Speak, for your servant, you child, is listening." "Where else can I go, for You alone have the words of life!" Lord, reveal Your love for me today in a way that I can recognize and see, in a way that truly changes me from the inside out. No more shows, no more facades, no more pretending I'm okay. I need You in a big way! If You don't show up, I am a dead man!
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