Ugh!!!!!!!!

Okay, what went wrong now...why does my mind go round and round about issues and never settle on anything?  Why am I constantly seeing the negative and never the positive?  I am so frustrated with myself- I expect perfection from myself and then put that on everyone else.  Will I ever be able to let my hair down?  Just rest- just be?  I think I have a major issue with my mind racing and not getting control of  my emotions.  Lord help! I know I cannot do it on my own...what do I do with myself let alone living with someone else.  I think anxiety and depression rule my life and really I should be telling my own soul the truth, but not just the truth, but also speaking the truth (to myself and others) in love.  My mind whirls with blame, guilt, frustration, lonliness, aloofness, anger, shame, you name it, I've got it...God's word says that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"!  ALL!!!  What am I doing wrong?  I remember when I went up for prayer for CHANGE (of all things) Doreen prayed the same prayer she prayed for me last time she ended up praying for me, "God has not given you a spirit of prayer, but of love, power, and a sound mind."  Why do I keep getting this verse?  Is it fear that is ruling over me?  Is that the root of my unrest?  If that is the case, what am I afraid of?  Afraid of ...hmmmm...being no one in life, going nowhere in life, not pleasing God.  I feel like a loser when I treat Kent the way I did tonight...and I should.  It is not loving or kind or full of mercy or grace, which is what we just talked about in our Bible study- why do I keep doing this to him and to myself????  In talking with Lindsey I am amazed at her insight and her level of maturity in dealing with others graciously- I don't have that and I want it!  When she and talked the other day about how I was continously talking about his hair and how I would like to see it cut this way or look a certain way...she said- she keep talking about it and it makes him want to run and hide- you need to share an affirmation along with something that you would like changed.  "He is a words guy, I can see that."  "How did you see that so soon?"  "By how he talks". 
He is words of affirmation and physical touch".  "What am I, I asked.  "I think you are quality time and -you'll be surprised by this and you would never say this, but I think you may be physical touch- you really need it."  Wow, what insight I thought. 

She also talked about how Kent does better with metaphors- due to his ld, add, and dyslexia, it takes him a very long to process and he does not get it- he kind of gets the glazed look- use yourself in the examples- like the one I gave about if you went out to buy make up and you told him all the details of picking the right foundation color, eye color, etc, he would not want all the details- he would just want to know how much it cost- anyway, I think it is a great idea...I need to start trying this and see if this improves our communication.

I need to stop being angry over some of these issues- he CANNOT help it!  It is not his fault.  He is not doing this on purpose.  I need to have compassion for the frustration that he is also feeling with himself-
Lord, I have asked for this before, but I am really needing your help in this area.  Would you give me your heart for him?  I know he is your son and you love him tremendously.  You also know and love me- would you give me a supernatural understanding and love for him.  I want to respect and love my husband.  I do not purposely set out to disrespect or destroy him, but that is what I am doing and while doing that to him, I am doing that to me as well, as we are one.  Lord, would you calm my spirit...I mean really calm my spirit- my emotions are on the edge- whether by crying or getting angry...I cannot do this for myself either...I have tried and I continously fail...

We have got to stop the cycle.  We have got to CHANGE!  Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results...

That is another whole topic, this whole thing about expectations.  We talked a little bit about that at our Bible study- I wanted to ask, but didn't have time- how do we change our expectations?  Are they lining up with God's Word, I guess.  Am I thinking selfishly?  Is my way the only right way?  I'm trying to think of an example- like how clean the house is, whether the dishes are done every night, what sort of things are left around the house...who decides these things?  How do we come to a meeting of the minds?  Am I kind?  The funny ( or not so funny thing) is that we always think we are right- I am reminded of what Dave said last week at home group- the scripture in Jeremiah, our hearts are desperately wicked and deceitful above all else- yikes! When I am absolutely convinced that I am right, I really need to step back and question myself in the light of scripture...sometimes there are no rights and wrongs...in those cases, I am not right out of default, but what would be the kind, merciful, gracious thing to do? 

God put me and Kent together with all of our idiosyncrasies- He has something greater to accomplish through us if we let Him- we can choose to cooperate or we can choose to go our own rebellious way (which is, realistically and truthfully what I have been doing)  I have been like an insolent child- demanding, unrelenting, unkind, a task master, unmerciful, and ungracious.  Not very Godly traits...Holy Spirit, I need you to meet me in a big way!  But, I also need to do the hard work of CHANGE!  I need to start doing what does not come easy and what may even seem unnatural- if I continue what I am doing right now, our marriage will end up another statistic!  At times I am not sure I care- sometimes there is so much pain and hardship (probably most of it from my own doing) that escape seems like the answer. But, the other side is not any better- more pain, more loss, more guilt, more shame.  Sometimes it seems like a no win situation- damned if you do, damned if you don't (like what my whole life has felt like in so many ways).  But, with God ALL things ARE POSSIBLE!  Do I really believe that?  I am really, really believe that?  I want to, I know that but sometimes I feel so hopeless in my sins.  I am on a self-destructive road right now...why?  because I feel I don't deserve true love?  I could analyze me all day long and still end up confused and in the same place I started in.  It boils down to that verse in Jeremiah again- my heart is desperately wicked- and then in the New Testament Paul asks, "who will deliver me from this body of death?"  Lord, if you don't show up, I am a dead man...literally you have said that I have died and you live in me...why am I acting this way again?  If you were in me, I would act so much differently.  I would be filled with great love and compassion...I have to appropriate it though, like really believe that it is true and then choose to act differently and then You will give me the power...