Painful Memories become Profitable

I am doing my Bible study this morning...thinking about the  memories that need God to bring His perspective, His voice, His healing to the memories.  Sometimes I do not even recognize what feelings I am having in the present that are coming up due to the past memories that have not been dealt with and have not been brought into the light of God's healing love.  It's like someone said last week at our Bible study- some of our thoughts are so much a part of us, so insidious, that we do not even recognize that we need to see them for what they are and attend to them- bring them into the light rather than ignore them and think they will go away- they don't go away.  They come back sneakily, through the back door of another similar situation where our feelings rise to the surface once again with a vengenance and they don't even match up with the present situation- maybe the emotions are too strong for what is going on or seem totally inappropriate...I need to start asking myself what is driving this?  Take a step back, listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit-

I am trying to remember past memories that really affected me to this day- it is hard to narrow it down...
My mother who criticized me for everything- didn't want me to play the piano (even when I was just playing around), called me a show-off and selfish for anything I wanted to do (like go to Haiti for a missions trip), controlled everything I did and tried to control how I felt.  I remember how she would look at me if I talked to Dad, I felt like I was doing something wrong...so I didn't speak at the dinner table.  I remember trying so hard to please her and feeling like I couldn't do anything right...kind of like what is going on in our household even now.  I am critical, I am controlling, I am argumentative, I am difficult to please.  How did I feel?  It all seems so vague making it hard to pinpoint one memory.  It is so pervasive that I cannot get to the bottom of it.  Part of it is that I just need to grow up.  I am constantly blaming my past for my actions, yes that is partly true, but I also need to take responsibility for my todays.  I also need to stop being so hard on myself, then I end up being hard on others...especially my husband.  I really don't know what to do to change though...it feels like a never ending battle- the emotions are so highly charged.  Why can't I be happy?  Why can't I be joyful?  Why can't I just live and let live?  Wow, I think in a way I can understand the Hell that Mom is going through in her mind-  she may even want to change, but doesn't know how, doesn't know  how to break the cycle, doesn't know how to allow herself to be loved and to love freely.  She is probably thinking a lot like what I am thinking and feeling too.  She may not even know why she feels what she feels, maybe can't put her finger on it, but feels it and it affects her and everyone around her as a result.  We are not islands,we are interdependent and that causes problems when there is breakdown in our lives.  I really need someone to be a buddy- someone I can tell my ridiculous thoughts to and check them out, see if they are valid, and learn to take out a lot of the angst.  Lord, would you bring an accountability partner I can share with, someone who wouldn't get afraid of my compulsive, neurotic, obsessive thoughts?  That is really what they are...I need to name them for what they really are and not be in denial about them...do a lot of these things really matter- they seem like they really matter, but in the eternal scheme of things it doesn't amount to a hill of beans...Lord, how long before I get that?  How long before I learn to give and receive love as you intended?  Please Lord, hear my cry for mercy...