Jesus loves me! No, I am not kidding, it's not just what the song says, it is the truth! Why has it taken me so long to get this? I don't think I have really realized that I have never really believed this. Yeah, I thought I believed it, but my life didn't really prove that I believed it...I have lived as though I am on a test of seeing whether I would do more right than wrong. Whether I am a good person based on what I have done. I have felt as though I am constantly being graded and ultimately judged on my performance. That is the world that we live in isn't it? From growing up, to our jobs, everything. Everywhere I go I feel like I am not doing what everyone expects me to do. The problem is that it is different depending on who you talk to and what mood they are in that day. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light, take my yoke upon me for I am meek and gentle of heart." Wow! If my yoke is feeling heavy, it isn't the one that Jesus put upon me, it's probably one that someone has put on me and I have accepted it as my "lot". Even my own expectations of myself changes from minute to minute. Even the church, maybe especially the church reminds me on how I am deficient. I don't serve enough or look a certain way or whatever...That is not God! He created me and knows my weakness, my failures, my anointings and giftings. He knows all there is to know about me. He knows when I will fail and when I will succeed and yet He loves me still! "There is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus." I was just thinking about that verse- it doesn't say, "There is no condemnation if...you don't lie, steal, gossip, complain, get angry, or fill in the blank. No, he says "There is therefore now no condemnation..." No conditions except to be in Christ. I've never really noticed the absence of things in that verse before now.
Once I really get the revelation downloaded into my mind, heart, and soul- lookout! I will be so completely changed that I will not be recognizable. I will be unoffendable. I will fail and not go into self pity and shame. I will be real- integrity- being true to who I am on the outside with who I am on the inside. Integrity is not about doing the right thing, it's about being real from the inside out. Authenticity! This is me, nothing to hide, because I am the daughter of God. I have great purpose and meaning in my life because God put me here on this earth for a reason. I may not always know or understand what it is, but God knows and I can trust Him.
The religious spirit is insidious. It is a false relationship. It is not authenticity. It appears to be one thing on the outside, but is something totally different on the inside. It is fake. It is not life-giving. It is ugly. It brings judgement. It takes away freedom. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Do not be burdened again by a yoke a slavery." Why would Christ say this? Would Christ set us free only to become enslaved again to the law once we were saved? That would be ridiculous! That would be stupid! If we are expecting accolades, compliments, etcetera while serving, are we truly serving or feeding our egos? Servants just do their master's bidding- because that is what is expected! Slavery is not glamorous! It is dirty. It is monotonous. It can be boring. Satan uses whatever he can to keep us from a true, authentic relationship with our loving and good God. He will use temptations of all sorts, whichever ones appeal to us the most...pleasures, money, power, fame, even our desire to get it right. It is not about being right or getting it right, it is about coming to Christ, not just the first time when we give our hearts over to Christ on that day of salvation when we accepted Christ initially, no, but, coming to Christ again, and again, and again, in a loving relationship with Him. He wants to be wanted as John and Stasi Eldridge say in their book "Captivating." What a thought, He waits to be wanted...by me? I think why would He want me? I mean really want me? Somehow I don't think I am good enough to come to Him (and I am right, I am not, but Christ has already made a way where there seemed to be no way.) I think surely God wants Becki, Jayne, or Dave....but me? Yes, me! In all my idiosyncrasies...in all my weirdness...in my nerdness...all of me. Wow, if I could only get this deep in my heart of hearts.
A prayer I often pray is, "Lord, help me to see who You really are, not who I think You are, an idol of my own making." My view of God has been distorted for a very, very long time and I want to know the love and freedom that He has for me. How have I missed all the passages in His word about His love for me before? Before when I did hear them or read them they would bounce off like a trampoline, but they wouldn't get inside where they would change me, truly change me. Where they would change the way I see myself, my God, and everyone else around me. When I understand His love then I really understand His grace as well because they both go together like a hand in glove. And when I understand His love and grace it is then that I understand the freedom that He has purchased for me, not just the eternal freedom- but the day to day freedom of knowing that I am loved for who I am, just the way I am. Now that is a freeing thought. No need to strive to be like this person or that person. No need to compare myself with everyone else. No need to meet this person's expectations or else risk feeling less than...No, I am not perfect, but perfectly loved! As a guy I know said, "I can do no wrong." Really? That can't be true! Ah, but yes! Jesus is my Savior! If I could do wrong and change everything, then did Jesus really save me at all? Yes, I need saving from myself! When my son cries for me, do I leave him to cry or do I go to him and comfort him? When my son comes to sit on my lap do I refuse him or welcome him with open arms? When my son is disappointed with himself and feeling badly about what he did or didn't do, do I rub it in or do I tell him it will be okay? "If you being earthly know how to give good gifts, how much more does your heavenly father give to those who ask of Him?" My father is waiting for me to come to him, not so He can punish me, but so that He can truly love me and set me free!!
So, I am free to make mistakes and talk to God about why I did this or that...and I am free to love. Love freely just as He did for me. "Freely you have received, freely give!" I must freely receive before I can give...I want to know that divine "love that covers a multitude of sins." I want to know that love "that sets me free from the law of sin and death." I am desperate for the real Jesus. I am desperate to get to know Him as He really is...the divine romance that sweeps me in and sets me free. "I have come that you might have life and life more abundantly." "You will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." I want to walk with the lover of my soul
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