I was told today by a friend that I have an anger problem...I was upset with her because of something she said and she ended up saying I need to ask God why I am so angry...why couldn't I have let it go? I tried to let it go...but I kept ruminating on it. She said that I should know her character...I should. Why did I automatically think the worst? Why do I often do that? I really don't understand it myself. I think that I do that so often with my husband too...I often feel that he is demanding. I know that I do have a problem with anger and even when it is not "obvious", it is still there affecting my thoughts and behaviors and even affecting my level of effectiveness in the kingdom of God. Part of it is because I feel so badly when I am that way and yet I don't know what else to do or how else to feel. Maybe I have felt angry for so long that I don't know how else to feel. Is it just a habit of anger, bitterness, and resentment? Lord, I know where some of the anger comes from, but I really don't know how to get rid of it...I could even see it when I talked with one of my brother's about the other brother...I am angry that I have been rejected from my family, that I can't talk to them normally and yet that is what Christ went through and that is what Joseph went through too. I wonder if Joseph ever had thoughts of anger towards his brothers for how he was treated...I wondered if he struggled with bitterness or resentment, in reading the Bible it doesn't seem to be that way...but we don't have a record of his inner feelings about his family situation and how he handled all the injustices in his life. God worked it all out though. Joseph was faithful to God and he had wisdom beyond that of peers his own age...
Lord, honestly, I don't know how to get past this...I see my anger come up with Kent frequently. I am so impatient with so many things. I see anger come up with friends, and with family, even if I don't express it...how do I change this pattern that I have developed over the years? I think much of it has to do with trying to protect my heart. That is also why my friendships don't seem to get past a certain point...I need you Father to work in my heart in a big way. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting. Sometimes I get so tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of analyzing myself and everyone else. I feel like I just can't do anything right when it comes to relationships. I need your help to love people the way you do. I think my heart has been hurt so badly that I am not sure how it will ever heal...but You are the God of miracles. I need a major miracle for my heart. Frequently I think I want to live on a desert island, but then I would get lonely. It's the old damned if you, damned if you don't scenario.
We are all flawed. We are all dealing with different issues in our lives and our response to them. We are all dealing with our sin and the sins of others. We are all living in a fallen world and we are all looking for a way out. It reminds me of a rat in a obstacle course, will he find his way out and surmount the challenges or will he die trying? Sometimes I feel like I will die trying and sometimes I know I won't and wish I would. We are all imperfect people and yet God chooses to love us! I need your love to wash over me in a flood. I need your love to bring the antithesis of anger- what is that? Hope, healing, peace, freedom, and joy. I so desperately need your spirit to change me from the inside out...all I can say is HELP!
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