Why am I Avoiding Him?

Okay, so I've just spent the last hour scrolling through Facebook and toodling around the internet...I know my son is going to wake up any moment and yet and I have not actually  talked to my Heavenly Father yet...why am I procrastinating?  Am I avoiding Him?  What is going on in my heart?  I keep saying that I want to spend time with Him and yet when I have that time, I don't.  Isn't that the true test?  If not then why not?  I don't understand it myself.  My heart longs to meet with Him on one level and yet on another level I find myself avoiding Him...do I feel guilt, shame, fear, sadness, I can't put my finger on it...When I am at church or homegroup I feel God's presence so strongly I just want to stay there, but when I am home alone sometimes He seems so far away that it hurts.  What is wrong with me I think to myself?  How come I am not getting that there is nothing wrong with me?  Why do I keep feeling this way Lord? 

Lord, I am tired of seeking...and still left wanting.  The whole concept of the abundant life- I want that and yet it seems so elusive...why do I struggle with this sense of meaningless?  I so often feel like I am going through the motions of life in black and white when I so desperately long for the vivid colors of abundant life.  You said that is why You came...then why is it so hard to find?  What exactly would I consider abundant life anyway?  What would it look like? 

I have so much to be thankful for really- a husband who loves me, a son that I have prayed for, the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom, a beautiful home and yet I still struggle with hopelessness.  My heart so longs for home.  My eternal home and yet it is not time...I have things that You want me to accomplish here on this earth-

Still left wanting....what is that I am wanting?  I'm not even sure myself, there is such discontentment in me...always looking for what I don't have..."Godliness with contentment is great gain", says God's word.  I do well to remember this.  I would do well to already know that I have everything that I need in Christ.  He is enough.  Just being with Him and He with me, "the lover of my soul", is enough.  If it doesn't feel like it is then why not?  Are you expecting too much from yourself, from other's and even from God.  I mean God is able, I don't mean that, I mean are you not content to just be with Him, but always needing Him to do something extraordinary?  Always needing something that you can't even put your finger on?  Lord, help my discontentment, help me to find my satisfaction in you alone, to find my security  in You alone.  You are the reason I live, you  bring meaning to my life!  Help me to see what you see, to live this life fully functioning in the call that you have on me...help me not to wander in the darkness of despair, self-pity, hopelessness- you are my only hope!