Where is the Power?

If Christ is in us, where is the power?  Why are we falling into depression and anxiety?  Why is the divorce rate in the church as high as the world?  Why are so many of us walking around holding grudges and being offended by others in the church.  Where is the power to not only live out a victorious life in Christ, but also a life that influences those around us in a dynamic way?  Can those around us even recognize a difference in us?  Can they see that we are different in some way?  Are we loving as Christ would?  Or are we staying in our comfort zones, our own little church cliques?  Are we laying down our lives for those around us in tangible, real ways?  I ask these questions of myself. 

I think of theJews in Susa as mentioned in the book of Esther...they were captives and yet no one could even tell the jews from the gentiles...they had so assimilated into the culture.  In our culture uniqueness is not celebrated as much as conformity is mandated.  If we do not conform...there is something wrong with us...I think of the scripture that says to be "in the world, but not of it."  The scriptures do not call us to conformity, but rather to a life of purity, to live out the uniqueness in which God made us, which is totally anti-cultural.  People think you are weird if you do not sleep with your boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage, or disagree with homosexuality, or hate abortion.  It is not "politically correct" to believe this way, but whose standards are we exemplyifying?  Are we assimilating into the culture to such a degree that we are indiscernible from the rest of the world?  This is where our power comes from.  To live in the power of Christ and to be so secure in who He called us to be that we are not afraid of criticism from those around us that we walk with such confidence that we can live out the truth without fear...

A Moment of Musing

I was reflecting today on what I heard at our woman's retreat this past weekend.  I am the beloved of the Father, he created me and no matter what I do, he still loves me.  He smiles when I am fully functioning in how he created me.  Wow!  That totally amazes me!  I can't believe that the King of Kings and the God of the universe really feels that way about me!  I think the sooner I realize that, the sooner my life will be radically changed by that revelation!  Boy do I need to really know that at the core of my being.  That I would live out of a place of security rather than of fear or comparison with others.  That is what I was talking to the other women at my table about yesterday- I struggle with feeling less than with others who seem more "cool".  I often feel left out, maybe a throw back to my teenage years when I was made fun of for my clothes or that I didn't measure up to others expectations and was often the "new kid on the block".  Isn't it amazing that I stil struggle with that today, over twenty five years ago?  I see the effects of that now...instead of discriminating against the poor and those that fit in, I think I discriminate against those that are too "cool" from my perception.  I need to change my perceptions because those that think they are cool also need to be loved and accepted, many more so.

It's all about our perceptions.  Perceptions are realities in our minds, even if they are not realities in reality- does that make sense?  As long as I think it is real, it is real to me and I will live out of that reality.  So, if "I call those things that are not as though they were" then my "reality" will have changed and I will live out of that. 

That is what we all need...for God to invade our perceptions with the truth.  That is why soaking in the truth of His word is so important.  His truth IS reality and it will become more of my reality once I accept it and believe it and live it out as though it is truth, because it is!

I am reading Galatian- one of the very first things that Paul says, "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel- which is really no gospel (good news) at all. Vs 6,7.  Wow!  If we are following a 'different' gospel as Paul mentions, which is not of grace, it is no gospel at all.  How many of us live here, sometimes without realizing or even thinking about it?  We put ourselves and everyone else under the law so easily and so quickly...we are called by the grace of Christ!  Grace through and through!  We are not called to Christ by our performance, our looks, whether we have the right clothes, act according to cultural standards, etceterra...it is all out of the grace of Christ that brought us life.  "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Vs. 10.  Do our churches really refect this?  Do we put pressure, maybe even more so, in the church to be a certain way, look a certain a way, do cerrtain things, etcetera?  Do we really love those around us, failings, weaknesses, mistakes and all.  Do we really love ourselves this way?  If we did I think we would lose our self-consciousness and would reach out to others without thought of how we would look, whether we should, what will they think, will they receive me, etcetera.  No, we would walk out of a place of deep security and therefore a place of immense, quiet, power.  Not putting anything on.  Just walking out of a peace with ourselves, God, and others.  Our effectiveness would exponetially increase because we know who we are and we are loved!

Christmas?

I have been struggling with Christmas...not in the ways that you might think...

From what I have read, Jesus was not born on December 25th.  In fact, it is an impossibility due to the weather in Israel is very cold at this time of year and the shepherds could not have been tending their sheep by night...so, why do we celebrate Christmas on this date? 

Well, I have also read that this (and all the other holidays or holy days) that we celebrate here in America are based on pagan traditions.  Based on the celebrations of other gods...now, I know that we as christian do not believe in idols so the fact that other gods were originally worshiped or celebrated on these days is a moot point.  From what I read it made the conversion to christianity in the roman days "easier", so the newly converted chrisitians could keep all their previous celebrations and "christianize" or maybe sanitize them to be more acceptable to the church or to Christ...

What I am struggling with is that everything we celebrate is based on the traditions that have nothing to do with the actual birth of Christ.  I asked my husband the other day if he would like to celebrate his birthday in July instead of February, he didn't seem too keen on the idea...so, why are we celebrating Jesus' birthday in December then? 

I do not want to do something just because it is "tradition" or because everyone else is doing it that way...
I have been praying about what Jesus really thinks about Christmas.  As one writer mentioned, no where in the Bible is it recommended or commanded that christians have a celebration or feast celebrating the birth of Christ, not that I think that it is wrong to celebrate the birth of Christ, I mean I celebrate the birth of those I love, why should it be any different for my friend Jesus? 

I get so frustrated with how we in America celebrate the birth of our Savior...so much commercialism.  More stuff that we amass while others go hungry- all, literally, in the name of Christ.  I am not judging anyone, for I am in this too, I am guilty too if guilt is to be passed at all. 

I just watched "The Singing Christmas Tree", a DVD that a family member sent- a program that was put on by a large christian church in Orlando.  Two very large trees are lit up and the lights go in sync with the music.  The choir is all positioned through the "branches" of this tree,  it was all about glitz.  It turned me off.  Now I am sure their motive was a good one, but I can't help but think that we have lost sight of who Jesus is...God incarnate, God in the flesh, the almighty, powerful, omnipotent, creator and Lord of all! 

I am interested to know more about how chanukah is celebrated, go back to our jewish roots, but I fear it is the same problem of commercialism in that as well. 

It goes back to "it is what you make it."  Not getting caught up into things without thinking about the whys.  Asking questions.  The only problem is that sometimes it "ruins" you.  My heart is to really think about what and why I believe...

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the Christmas tree, the candlight services, the Christmas songs, the presents, and the feasting and family getting togethers just like the next guy.  That is why these thoughts have been a struggle at all...

The question is, "What is in your heart?"  "Who do you say that I am?"  That is a reminder to each one of us, not just on this "holy" day, but everday of the year...

Responsibilty

Responsibility takes a very high level of importance for me...I like how Dave described it, "Able to respond."    Wow, that's good.  When we respond appropriately we then have more freedoms.  We can be trusted.  Sometimes we have to reign in ourselves until we are able to discipline ourselves in a certain area...this is not about rules, but again, not all things are the very best for us.  Not all things bring us to our highest goals.  Our divine destiny...

Are we living out of our identity or are we living to prove our identity?  We don't have anything to prove.  Our Father God loves us through and through!  Who cares what other's think?  Why do we care so much anyway?  I have struggled with comparing myself for so long...someone prettier, more popular, richer, more stylish, more of whatever I think I do not have...why do I do this to  myself?  Jesus, I need you to show me more of who you are- love, and who I am- loved!  We find our identity in Christ alone.  We don't need to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, popularity, etcetera, we need the divine addiction.  The God-filled obsession!  When we believe what we read in God's love letter to us- our emancipation proclamation, we can be all that God intended for us without pride or arrogance, a right concept of ourselves, loved no matter what by the most important person around...how much better can it get?

Daddy...

Today is a new day...and I have a new revelation of just how much my Father God loves me!  He is so sweet, so precious, so present when I need to know that he is here, that he is near.  I have looked at my walk with him in such a way that frequently it did not bring life to me at all.  I have compared him to my earthly parent's.  They are humans and they have their weaknesses.  He (as he revealed to me last night) is NOT like anyone else on the earth.  I cannot compare him to my parents.  He so fully loves me that I will never be able to comprehend it.  At our home group we sat before the Lord in silence for a few minutes.  It was beautiful!  The warmth of the living room along with the scented evergreen candle wafting through the air was so cozy.  I sat in a chair and had my feet up and felt like I was resting my head on the Father's chest as tears flowed freely.  Not tears of remorse or shame...but tears of understanding...He is not out to bang the gavel down, hoping that I fail so that he can place judgement on me.  No, He is wanting me to experience life in all it's fullness.  He gives commands not because he is just a rule maker, but because he knows what will bring life.  He wants life for  us even more than we do, life that we cannot even imagine in our finite minds.  He sees what our choices that go against him do- they bring different degrees of death.  I think of what God said in the Garden of Eden..."Do not eat of the tree of good and evil"  He knew what would happen, we would experience a kind of death, to our souls, to our purpose, to the divine destiny that he ultimately had in store for us.  Satan made it out like God was holding out on us or just didn't want us to have the best that we could have, he is such a liar!  We still believe those lies rather than believe that God is truly for us and not against us!  Why do we still choose to believe the father of lies over the very one who created us and gave us life in the first place? 

We live our lives out of a place of managing sin.  Is that really a place of abundant life?  Is that really freedom?  God's word tells us that "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Slavery to what?  To sin, to having to be a certain way to tow the line or to conform to what others think we ought to be.  No, Christ has made us unique for a purpose, he has a plan for us, "Plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a future and a hope."  Do we really believe that?  I mean really believe that?  I know that scripture by heart, but has my self-talk reflected the truth of that word?  His word says that "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial".  Is that really in God's word?  You bet!  We are free to do anything, but not all things will bring life to us.  It is not about keeping a list of dos and don'ts.  It is about do I want the peace that God offers?  Do I want to live fully in His love?  Do I want all that he has for me?  Yes, I want it ALL!  What do I have to do to receive ALL that he has for me?  Just believe that the Good News is really good news!  That "He came to bring life and life more abundantly!"  If we live his word, we will experience life to the fullest!

No more have to's...I have to read my Bible.  I have to pray.  I don't necessarily say it like that, but that is what I am feeling- the pressure to do this or that...No, I want to read his word because that is where I find life, that is where I find Jesus, the giver of  life.  I want to pray because I want to talk to Jesus about my day just as I would with a good friend, not putting on airs, not putting on a spiritual voice just for him- no, just being me, he already knows who I am anyway, after all he created me.  I can talk to him or not talk to him, but it is me that will lose out on friendship for that time or season...the very thing that I need so desperately!  He is not judging me, but ready to meet me whenever I am ready..."He is ever present in my time of need."  It doesn't say only when I behave according to some religious code.  He didn't have a religious code, that was the pharisees and the Sadducee's that abided by such rules that they made it difficult for anyone to come to God.  Our way to God is simple, through Jesus.  Period.  He made a way where there seemed to be no way! 

I will choose today and each day thereafter to live in my Daddy's love.  I will choose to reject the religious culture of our day, or judgements that others place upon me and just live my life to the fullest knowing that my Father is pleased with me.  "He loves me with an everlasting love" and no one else can give me that kind of unconditional love for all eternity.  Daddy I love you too!  Ready or not here I come...I'm jumping onto your lap and I am going to stay there where I can hear the stillness of your breath, hear you whisper in my ear...where I am safe from whatever the world has to throw at me- "In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!"  As long as I am with Him, my heart is safe.  As long as I am with him, no one can say anything bad about me.  As long as I am in with him I can be FULL of joy and not offended.  What a thought, if I am not living in a place of joy and I am easily offended, I truly do not know of His love for me..."Taste and see that the Lord is good!" If I see Him as good it will color everything I see...it will change how I see others.  It will change how I see sin.  It will change everything! 

Again, as long as I am with Him, my heart is safe!  "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"

The If's

How many times in a day do we say the word 'If'?  If I lived there I would be happier.  If I had this or that I could do this or that...I commented to a friend at coffee today that 'If' is really a irrelevant word, she said yeah if stands for "Irrevelant fear"  because so many of our ifs are based in fears and not truly living in the moment...or how about "Idiotic fantasy"?  That's a good one too- we let all our ifs hold us back...it is not relevant because it is not what really is...our ifs do not deal with the present reality and because of that we either are disillusioned or we are held back because our 'ifs' have not yet happened, if, ha ha, they ever will...they keep us stuck either in the past or the future, but not in the moment.

Jesus says C'mon

Jesus you are so loving, kind, and so patient with many of my silly ideas...but you don't even see them that way because you know they are leading me to your very heart, getting closer...

At home group tonight we talked about the whole concept of God erasing the lines...we have these unspoken lines, every one of us has them and it is not until we are pushed over them through trials...that we even know that they are there.  Those things that we can't handle, the "last straw" so to speak- whether we get upset with others or with God.  Those areas that we are judging ourselves we are also judging others.  The trials that James talks about are not from God, but rather from just living life, our own choices, or even satan...God uses the testing of our faith...to deepen our trust in Him if we come to Him in the midst of them..."Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  Wow, what a concept, to not lack anything...James continues on..."If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt."  God gives irregardless of where we are at, the only thing is is that we have to believe and not doubt.  Wow, that is truly a work of the Holy Spirit...how can we not doubt when we are going through really hard things?  We come to God, we ask for more of the power of the Holy Spirit, we cannot do it without him!  He is not looking for fault in us, it is us that is seeing our faults and then shrinking back believing that we are not good enough to come to Him in the first place because of our sin, our failures, etcetera...Also, He does not say that the thing we are going through is joyous, He is saying to consider it joy- only because we trust that God can make something good come out of something ugly and difficult. 

Last week I was thinking how my thoughts of God are actually idolatrous because they are not true representations of who He really is...but as Dave pointed out to me, that does not bother God...all He cares about is that I come to Him.  It is not doing Him a disservice because my thoughts about Him  are inaccurate...it does me the disservice and I will not live in the freedom that He has for me, I will not be in the fullness of who He is.  We are all on a journey though...some live in greater levels of freedom than others, but we are all on that road and we are getting closer.  God accepts us exactly where we are- He knows why we are there and He keeps calling us to come closer, to go deeper, to bring all of who we are, all our worries, our fears, our crap and lay it at His feet, He understands it all and still receives us and accepts us.  Why is that concept so hard to get?  We all carry a picture of our Father God from our growing up...sometimes we need to see the truth and live it even though it doesn't feel like it is the truth, maybe pretend that it is and it will prove itself in time...this whole journey is not about expecting more from me, not about me doing more, or putting myself in crazy gyrations so I can be closer, it is the work of the Holy Spirit.  I just need to make myself more available..."More Lord!" 

Our relationships frequently don't go well because we have a right or wrong thinking.  If I am right, then you are wrong and vica versa...no, we are different because God made us that way...we need to pray and ask God to show us how He delights in that other person and ask Him to help us see them the way He does, that we too would delight in them so we can come to a place of respecting their differences, it is really an issue of faith and trusting in God.  It is not for us to demand that others must be like me...we are all unique, just the way that God created us and we are different for a reason, seek the power of the Holy Spirit to remember that God intentionally made him (let's say my husband), and he intentionally made me.

We can become disillusioned when our life does not match up with our vision of what the promise of an "abundant life" looks like.  The funny thing is that we get hung up on that, but we forget that God is God and that the abundant life is not defined by me, but by God.  Who knows what the abundant life really looks like in the spirit?  Will I trust Him to provide that for me?  Will I trust that He is truly good?  Why do I have such a hard time receiving what I have been given?  My vision of my life doesn't always match up with what really is...when we butt up against what God's call and will for my life are not matching up with everything I think it should be then what am I left with?  Bitterness and resentment, the exact opposite of an abundant life.  How about accepting and receiving what He gives to me, trust Him that He knows the needs, the wants, the dreams of my heart...how about I stop fighting with Him and begin receiving? 

Just imagine, I mean really imagine if God were truly all that you thought He was, that He was as good as you could ever imagine and then some, how would that radically change your life?  Would that change how you see yourself?  How about others?  How about how you live your life?  He is that!  He is all that and more!!!  I want all that You have for me Father!  I want you to meet with me so that I can be changed into a new woman, a woman of grace, truth, and love.  For the greatest of these is love!  It's not about success or failure, it's about being with you and knowing your 100% acceptance of me just as I am!  If I could get a glimmer of this in the depths of my spirit, I would be a changed woman.  1 Samuel 10:6-7 "The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.  Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you."

Quotes and Thoughts...

I am reading George MacDonald's book "The Curate of Glaston", what a deep "fiction" book.  I love it!  I wanted to write some things down..."Wingfold was not one to take offense easily.  He was not important enough in his own eyes for that, and he decided to let the matter drop."  "Let me just ask if you have not already found in that book the highest means of spiritual education and development you have yet met with?  It is the man Christ Jesus we have to know, and the Bible we must use to that end- not the theory or dogma.  in that light, it is the most practical and useful book in the world.- But let me tell you a strange dream I had not long ago."  "There stood the beloved disciple (in Polwarth's dream)! His countenance was as a mirror which shone back the face of the Master.  Slowly he lifted the book and and turned away.  Then I saw behind him as it were an altar where a fire of wood was about to do.  he laid the book on teh burning wood, and regarded it with a smile as it shrank and shriveled and smouldered to ashes.  Then he turned to me and said, while a perfect heaven of peace shone in his eyes: 'Son of man, the Word of God lives and abides forever, not in the volume of the book, but in the heart of the man that in love obeys him.'  "Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?"  "Here I am bothering over words, and questioning about this and that, as if I were examining his fitness for a job, while he has all the while been claiming my obedience!  I have not once in my life done a single thing because he told me.- But then, how am I to obey him until I am sure of his right to command?  I just want to know whether I am to call him Lord or not.  Here I have all these years been calling myself a Christian, even ministering in the temple of Christ as if he were some heathen divinity who cared for songs and prayers and sacrifices, and yet I cannot honestly say I ever once in my life did a thing because he said so.  I have not been an honest man!  And I thought to myself, 'Have I today done a single thing he has said to me?  When was the last time I did something I heard from him?  Did I ever in all my life do one thing because he said to me, "Do this?" and the answer was, 'No, never.'  Yet there I was, not only calling myself a Christian, but presuming to live among you and be your helper on the road toward the heavenly kingdom.  What a living lie I have been!"

"The Lord says, 'Love your enemies.' Do you say, 'It is impossible'?  do you say, 'Alas, I cannot?  but have you tried to see whether he who made you will not increase your stength when you step out to obey him?  The Lord says, 'Be perfect.' , Do you then aim for perfection, or do you excuse your shortcomings and say, "To err is human'?  If so, then you must ask yourself what part you have in him.  The Lord says, 'Lay up for yourselves treasures on earth.'  My part is not now to preach against the love ofm oney, but to ask you, 'Are you laying up for yourselves treasures on earth?"  As to what the command means, the honest heart and the dishonest must each settle it in his own way.  No doubt you can point to other men who are no  better than you, and of whom yet no one would dare question the validity of their Christiananity.  but all that matters not a hair.  All that does is confirm that you may all be pagans together.  Do not mistake me.  I am not judging you.  For my finger points at myself along with you.  but I ask simply to judge yourselves by the words of Jesus.  The Lord say, 'Take no thought for your life.  Take no thought for tomorrow.'  Explain it as  you may, but ask  yourselves, 'Do I take no thought for my life?  Do I take no thought for tomorrow?'  The Lord says, 'Judge not'.  Did  you judge your neighbor yesterday?  Will you judge him aain tomorrow?  Are you judging him now in the very heart that sits hearing the words, 'Judge not'?  Or do you side step the command by asking, 'Who is my neighbor?'  Does not your own profession of Christianainity counsel you to fall upon your face, and cry to him, 'I am a sinful man, O Lord'?  The Lord said, 'All things you would that men should do to  you, do also to them.'  You that buy and sell, do  you obey this law?  Examine yourselves and see.  You would want men to deal fairly to you; do you deal juast as fairly to them as you would count fairness in them toward you?  If conscience makes you hang your head inwardly, however you sit with it erect in the pew, can you dare to add to your crime against the law and the prophets the insult to Christ of calling yourselves his disciples?  not every onethat says unto me, "Lord, Lord,"  shall enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he that does the will of my Father who is in heaven."

"Tossed he was in spirit, calling even aloud sometimes to know if there was a god anywhere hearing his prayer.  He was sure only of this, that whatever else any being might be, if he heard not prayer, he could not be God.  Sometimes there came to him what he would gladly have taken for an answer, but it was nothing more than a sudden descent of calmness on his spirit, which, for anything he could tell, might but be the calm of exhaustion.  His knees were sore with kneeling,  his face white with thinking, for when a man has set out to find god, he must find him or die."

The Nature of an Inheritance

The nature of an inheritance is that one day you don't have it and another day you do.  If someone was to call me up and tell me that my grandfather had passed away and that I had a million dollars in the bank what would I say?  How would I feel?  If I just left the money in the bank and did not pursue how to get it out, would I be any richer, no.  I need to get it.  I need to act on the information that I have just received.  Now before that telephone call I had very little money and no knowledge that I would be getting a phone call informing me of my inheritance.  This information would change everything wouldn't it?  I would have to ask not only how do I obtain it, but, how will I spend it.  Will I pay off all my debts?  Will I give some of it away?  Will I put some in the bank for "a rainy day?"

The Love of God

Love (per Webster's dictionary):  A deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons.  An expression of one's love or affection.  A strong liking or interest in something.  God's tender regard and concern for mankind.  Mankind's devotion to and desire for God as the supreme good.  To feel love for.  To delight in, take pleasure in.  To feel the emotion of love.  Affection:  suggests warm, tender feeelings, usually not as powerful or as deep as those implied by love. 


So I decided that I would look up all the times that LOVE  is mentioned in God's Word, it is 551 times.  So this is my not so exhaustive selective reference list to remind myself just how much God loves me!

Ex 15:13 "In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."
Ex 34:6  "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."
Dt 7:9  "Know therefore that the Lord you God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to  a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."
"FOR HE IS GOOD, HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER."  Mentioned numerous times over and over!
Neh 1:5 "O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commnads..."
Neh 9:17 "But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love."
Ps 13:5  "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."
Ps 23:6  "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Ps 26:3  "For your love is ever before me, and I will walk continually in your truth."
Ps 31:21 "Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me."
Ps 32:10 "The Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."
Ps 33:5  "The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Ps 36:5  "Your love, O Lord, reachest to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
Ps 36:7  "How priceless is your unfailing love!"
Ps 52:8  "I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever."
Ps 63:3  "Because your love is better than life..."
Ps 69:16  "Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me."
Ps 86:5  "You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you."
Ps 89:2  "I wil declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself." 
Ps 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
Ps 94:18 "When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me." 
Ps 98:3  "He has remembered his love and his faithfulness to the house of Israel; all the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God."
Ps 100:5 "For the Lord is good and his love endures forevere; his faithfulness continues through all generations."
Ps 103:1-5 "Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Ps 103:8 "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love."
Ps 103:11-14,17 "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him: as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust...but from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him.
Ps 106:45 "For their sake he remembered his covenant and out of his great love he relented."
Ps 107:43 "Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.
Ps 108:6 "Save us and hlep us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered."
Ps 117:1,2 "Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples.  For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."
Ps 119:41 "May your unfailing love come to me, O Lord, your salvation according to your promise."
Ps 119:64 "The earth is filled with your love, O Lord; teach me your decrees."
Ps 119:76 "May your unfailing love be my comfort."
Ps 119:124 "Deal with your servant according to your love and teach me your decrees."
Ps 119:132 "Turn to me and have merrcy on me, as you always do to those who love your name."
Ps 119:159 'Preserve my life, O Lord, according to your love."
Ps 138:8 "The Lord will fulfill his purpose  for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-"
Ps 143:8 "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
Ps 143:12 "In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."
Ps 145:8,9 "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."
Ps 147:11 "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."
Pr 10:12 "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs."
Pr 17:9 "He who covers over an offense promotes love..."
Pr 19:22 "What a man desires is unfailing love..."
SS 2:4 "He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love."
SS 8:7 "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away."
Is 54:10 "Yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Jer 31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
La 3:22,23 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Da 9:4 "O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with all who love him and obey his commands."
Hos 10:12 "Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love."
Hos 11:4 "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love..."
Joel 2:13 "Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity."
Jnh 4:2 "I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity."
Zeph 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Jn 11:3 "Lord, the one you love is sick."
Jn 13:1 "Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love."
Jn 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

The Divine Romance

Jesus loves me!  No, I am not kidding, it's not just what the song says, it is the truth!  Why has it taken me so long to get this?  I don't think I have really realized that I have never really believed this.  Yeah, I thought I believed it, but my life didn't really prove that I believed it...I have lived as though I am on a test of seeing whether I would do more right than wrong.  Whether I am a good person based on what I have done.  I have felt as though I am constantly being graded and ultimately judged on my performance.  That is the world that we live in isn't it?  From growing up, to our jobs, everything.  Everywhere I go I feel like I am not doing what everyone expects me to do.  The problem is that it is different depending on who you talk to and what mood they are in that day.  "My yoke is easy and my burden is light, take my yoke upon me for I am meek and gentle of heart."  Wow!  If my yoke is feeling heavy, it isn't the one that Jesus put upon me, it's probably one that someone has put on me and I have accepted it as my "lot".  Even my own expectations of myself changes from minute to minute.  Even the church, maybe especially the church reminds me on how I am deficient.  I don't serve enough or look a certain way or whatever...That is not God!  He created me and knows my weakness, my failures, my anointings and giftings.  He knows all there is to know about me.  He knows when I will fail and when I will succeed and yet He loves me still!  "There is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus."  I was just thinking about that verse- it doesn't say, "There is no condemnation if...you don't lie, steal, gossip, complain, get angry, or fill in the blank.  No, he says "There is therefore now no condemnation..."  No conditions except to be in Christ.  I've never really noticed the absence of things in that verse before now. 

Once I really get the revelation downloaded into my mind, heart, and soul- lookout!  I will be so completely changed that I will not be recognizable.  I will be unoffendable.  I will fail and not go into self pity and shame.  I will be real- integrity- being true to who I am on the outside with who I am on the inside.  Integrity is not about doing the right thing, it's about being real from the inside out.  Authenticity!  This is me, nothing to  hide, because I am the daughter of God.  I have great purpose and meaning in my life because God put me here on this earth for a reason.  I may not always know or understand what it is, but God knows and I can trust Him. 

The religious spirit is insidious.  It is a false relationship.  It is not authenticity.  It appears to be one thing on the outside, but is something totally different on the inside.  It is fake.  It is not life-giving.  It is ugly.  It brings judgement.  It takes away freedom.  "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Do not be burdened again by a yoke a slavery."  Why would Christ say this?  Would Christ set us free only to become enslaved again to the law once we were saved? That  would be ridiculous!  That would be stupid!  If we are expecting accolades, compliments, etcetera while serving, are we truly serving or feeding our egos?  Servants just do their master's bidding- because that is what is expected!  Slavery is not glamorous!  It is dirty.  It is monotonous.  It can be boring.  Satan uses whatever he can to keep us from a true, authentic relationship with our loving and good God.  He will use temptations of all sorts, whichever ones appeal to us the most...pleasures, money, power, fame, even our desire to get it right.  It is not about being right or getting it right, it is about coming to Christ, not just the first time when we give our hearts over to Christ on that day of salvation when we accepted Christ initially, no, but, coming to Christ again, and again, and again, in a loving relationship with Him.  He wants to be wanted as John and Stasi Eldridge say in their book "Captivating."  What a thought, He waits to be wanted...by me?  I think why would He want me?  I mean really want me?  Somehow I don't think I am good enough to come to Him (and I am right, I am not, but Christ has already made a way where there seemed to be no way.)  I think surely God wants Becki, Jayne, or Dave....but me?  Yes, me!  In all my idiosyncrasies...in all my weirdness...in my nerdness...all of me.  Wow, if I could only get this deep in  my heart of hearts. 

A prayer I often pray is, "Lord, help me to see who You really are, not who I think You are, an idol of my own making."  My view of God has been distorted for a very, very long time and I want to know the love and freedom that He has for me.  How have I missed all the passages in His word about His love for me before?  Before when I did hear them or read them they would bounce off like a trampoline, but they wouldn't get inside where they would change me, truly change me.  Where they would change the way I see myself, my God, and everyone else around me.  When I understand His love then I really understand His grace as well because they both go together like a hand in glove.  And when I understand His love and grace it is then that I understand the freedom that He has purchased for me, not just the eternal freedom- but the day to day freedom of knowing that I am loved for who I am, just the way I am.  Now that is a freeing thought.  No need to strive to be like this person or that person.  No need to compare myself with everyone else.  No need to meet this person's expectations or else risk feeling less than...No, I am  not perfect, but perfectly loved!  As a guy I know said, "I can do no wrong."  Really?  That can't be true!  Ah, but yes!  Jesus is my Savior!  If I could do wrong and change everything, then did Jesus really save me at all?  Yes, I need saving from myself!    When my son cries for me, do I leave him to cry or do I go to him and comfort him?  When my son comes to sit on my lap do I refuse him or welcome him with open arms?  When my son is disappointed with himself and feeling badly about what he did or didn't do, do I rub it in or do I tell him it will be okay?  "If you being earthly know how to give good gifts, how much more does your heavenly father give to those who ask of Him?"  My father is waiting for me to come to him, not so He can punish me, but so that He can truly love me and set me free!!

So, I am free to make mistakes and talk to God about why I did this or that...and I am free to love.  Love freely just as He did for me.  "Freely you have received, freely give!"  I must freely receive before I can give...I want to  know that divine "love that covers a multitude of sins."  I want to know that love "that sets me free from the law of sin and death."  I am desperate for the real Jesus.  I am desperate to get to know Him as He really is...the divine romance that sweeps me in and sets me free.  "I have come that you might have life and life more abundantly."  "You will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world."  I want to walk with the lover of my soul

We are not as Strong as we Think we are...

The title of this blog was borrowed from one of the lines in one of Rich Mullins songs, I'm not sure of which one though.  These words have been rolling around in my head for the past several days.  The last couple days have been very hard for me emotionally.  I think a lot of it may be related to hormones and I have had a terrible headache for three days now.  It's amazing how we think we are so strong sometimes.  We can be so strong one minute and in a puddle of tears the next.  Literally we can think we are on top of the world one moment and then come crashing down for no apparent reason at all, from one comment that someone makes, or a memory.  We are very vulnerable to others.  We often think that a certain person hurts us or disappoints us, overlooks us, abuses us, etcetera, but we "wrestle not against flesh and blood..."  These issues we face from day to day are spiritual matters.  I said to someone recently in my frustration that, "You are my problem!"  They responded very wisely, "Yes, but I am your solution as well."  That thought really struck me- how true is that?  We can be a healing balm to one and the thorn in another's side and sometimes we can be both at the same time to the same person. 

Yesterday I was pondering our perceptions of things and how deeply they can affect our emotions because of how we end up seeing ourselves and then we end up acting upon them.  How much do we really know that we  are loved no matter what?  I mean, no matter what!  I was talking to someone yesterday about how both of us struggle with not feeling good enough...we somehow don't feel like we make the grade, measure up to be certain people's friends...why do we feel that way?  Is it something these other people said, how their dressed, how they respond (or not respond) when we talk to them, their facial expressions, or what?  We often perceive things, it's a gut feeling, something that doesn't feel right.  We can't put our finger on it and we end up trusting this feeling rather than going with what is at face value.  I had this happen to me yesterday...I needed to get some paperwork from someone at church and I can't put my finger on why I felt this way, but felt like she really does not like me somehow.  It's stupid, I know, but it bothered me for quite some time and I thought about it many times.  Sometimes we can have an intuitive feeling about someone or something that is right on.  I believe this is a God-given gift that we can all tap into and yet at other times we may be totally wrong.  How do we discern between the two?  I think we need to assess where we are at at any given time...are we feeling down about ourselves for some reason?  Are we not feeling well physically?  Think about it, if we really, really understood how much God loves us to the depth of our being, no matter what crazy things we do or the stupid things we say, wouldn't that radically change our life?  Wouldn't that truth radically change the way we relate to others?  If we really knew how much He loves us, would it matter if someone didn't like us?  I mean, the God of all the universe thinks we're pretty cool afterall.  It reminds me of the Scripture that says, "If God be for us, who can be against us"!  We are valuable enough to die for...

I was thinking about how frequently when we feel "unpopular" we often "snub" our noses at the "popular" because we don't feel like we meet up to their standards and yet often that is just our own faulty perception rather than what is true.  And, actually, we are doing the very thing that they are doing to us in reverse; sort of like reverse discrimination.  Yeah, maybe there are times that this may be true, but more likely they are not feeling any differently than any of us and they may need to see that we care about them and take a few minutes with them...this discrimination takes place on both sides of the perception game- Satan's game is to divide and conquer in any way he can.  If we just choose to be ourselves with whomever we meet than we will be more likely to win people over, no matter who they are.  We are cool when we do not realize that we are cool.  Don't put it on, don't try to falsely fit in...we just need to be ourselves and realize that none of us are as strong as we think we are.  We all need each other- to love, to encourage, to cheer on, to lean on, to confide in, to be accountable to, etcetera.  We must never forget how frail we are, and if we are then we must believe that our brothers and sisters around us feel this fraility as well.  Jesus was not a respecter of persons- he didn't care if the people were rich or poor, high class or low class, popular or unpopular- they were all just people to him and He was Himself no matter who He was with...that is what brought healing to so many...and that is who God calls us to be too!

Anger is Insidious...

I was told today by a friend that I have an anger problem...I was upset with her because of something she said and she ended up saying I need to ask God why I am so angry...why couldn't I have let it go?  I tried to let it go...but I kept ruminating on it.  She said that I should know her character...I should.  Why did I automatically think the worst?  Why do I often do that?  I really don't understand it myself.  I think that I do that so often with my husband too...I often feel that he is demanding.  I know that I do have a problem with anger and even when it is not "obvious", it is still there affecting my thoughts and behaviors and even affecting my level of effectiveness in the kingdom of God.  Part of it is because I feel so badly when I am that way and yet I don't know what else to do or how else to feel.  Maybe I have felt angry for so long that I don't know how else to feel.  Is it just a habit of anger, bitterness, and resentment?  Lord, I know where some of the anger comes from, but I really don't know how to get rid of it...I could even see it when I talked with one of my brother's about the other brother...I am angry that I have been rejected from my family, that I can't talk to  them normally and yet that is what Christ went through and that is what Joseph went through too.  I wonder if Joseph ever had thoughts of anger towards his brothers for how  he was treated...I wondered if he struggled with bitterness or resentment, in reading the Bible it doesn't seem to be that way...but we don't have a record of his inner feelings about his family situation and how he handled all the injustices in his life.  God worked it all out though.  Joseph was faithful to God and he had wisdom beyond that of peers his own age...

Lord, honestly, I don't know how to get past this...I see my anger come up with Kent frequently.  I am so impatient with so many things.  I see anger come up with friends, and with family, even if I don't express it...how do I change this pattern that I have developed over the years?  I think much of it has to do with trying to protect my heart.  That is also why my friendships don't seem to get past a certain point...I need you Father to work in my heart in a big way.  Sometimes I get so tired of fighting.  Sometimes I get so tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of analyzing myself and everyone else.  I feel like I just can't do anything right when it comes to relationships.  I need your help to love people the way you do.  I think my heart has been hurt so badly that I am not sure how it will ever heal...but You are the God of miracles.  I need a major miracle for my heart.  Frequently I think I want to live on a desert island, but then I would get lonely.  It's the old damned if you, damned if you don't scenario. 

We are all flawed.  We are all dealing with different issues in our lives and our response to them.  We are all dealing with our sin and the sins of others.  We are all living in a fallen world and we are all looking for a way out.  It reminds me of a rat in a obstacle course, will he find his way out and surmount the challenges or will he die trying?  Sometimes I feel like I will die trying and sometimes I know I won't and wish I would.  We are all imperfect people and yet God chooses to love us!  I need your love to wash over me in a flood.  I need your love to bring the antithesis of anger- what is that?  Hope, healing, peace, freedom, and joy.  I so desperately need your spirit to change me from the inside out...all I can say is HELP!

Being Unoffendable...

Is it really possible to learn not to be offended?  We are so sensitive aren't we?  Why are we so sensitive to offense?  Someone doesn't say just the right thing, at the right time, in the right way and there we go holding an offense or holding a grudge.  Is that really how Christ would walk this earth?  Somehow I don't think so, there were so many people that didn't understand Him or the calling that He had on His life.  So  many people said things that He could've said, "That's it, I'm done with you people."  So many people did things to mock, criticize, and beat Him and what did He do in response, He died for them so that they would have everlasting life!  He said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  Wow!  Can I learn to respond in that way? 

I am reminded of this topic just because I have had so many issues lately with friends that I have felt hurt by and then told them and then they were hurt by me and now we either don't talk or our friendship is strained.  Is it worth it?  When does one be true to themselves and be healthy and say the truth of what is on their mind and when does one let it go and extend grace to the one that hurt?  I was reminded of how much I need the mind and heart of Christ to direct my steps.  Sometimes I step out thinking I am doing the right thing and then it all blows up in my face!  Other times I don't say anything and I think maybe I am just not being true to myself and being a chicken.  The only way to know which one is the right option for that particular situation is to really ask God for wisdom and discernment.  This seems to elude me everytime lately.  Why isn't that my first reaction?  I am also reminded on how we continously hurt each other in our selfishness and sinful nature.  Someone may hurt me at this moment, but just wait a minute and I will probably do the same to them (knowingly or unknowingly- what doesn't seem like a big deal to me ends up being a big deal to them).  Repairing relationships is not an easy task either.  I have felt that.  Everyone involved may say they are sorry, but the words don't get forgotten very easily.  God is the redeemer though and those relationships can be repaired, but at what cost?  The other question I think of is will the relationship go deeper if I say something.  If  all we do is fake that we are okay when we are not, then what?  Don't we have a shallow friendship?  But again, I think it goes back to not faking, but truly NOT being offended. 

So, how do I not become easily offended?  First, realize that my security is not in how someone else thinks of me.  They can think what they want, but I am loved by my heavenly Father no matter what.  Yes, I believe we are to learn from others and take the constructive criticism as a call to change in some areas, but it should not reach the core of our soul where we go into shame mode because of what the other person said.  Secondly, realize that we are all sinners saved by grace.  We will be hurt and we will hurt others, that is just part of being human and living on this earth.  Thirdly, people hurt often because they are hurting.  They need our love and compassion, not our judgement and rejection.  They are the ones that need love even more!  The ones that are hardest to love are the ones that need even more love to penetrate the walls of hurt. 

If I really know who I am in the Father's eyes, why would I allow something that someone says or does to affect me so gravely?  The real heart of the issue is that we really do not believe that God loves us that much.  We are putting too much stock in what others think because deep down we fear that we are unlovable and defective somehow and when people judge us it brings all those feelings to the fore.  The more we know of the love of God, the more we will truly be able to give it away without  condition!  I want that so much Lord!  Pour out Your love upon me so that it seeps into every crack and crevice of who I am and fills up every void.  I want to walk in such an assurance of Your love that nothing could separate me from Your love (most especially me).  Lord, I want to truly be inoffendable- not just phony.  No just appearing sweet on the outside, but seething on the inside, but truly at peace no matter what!  This would be a miracle, but You are in the business of miracles, please do that miracle  in me!
   What is the root of being offended anyway?  Self-righteousness, insecurity, arrogance (why are they doing this or saying this to ME?), fear, and a low self-esteem.  What would've happened if Jesus walked this earth and became offended over everything that anyone said or did against Him?  Do you think he would have died for them anyway?  At the cross where his accusers were mocking and ridiculing him while he was suffering what did He say?  "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  He didn't say, "You hurt my feelings, stop that." or "Why are you demeaning me that way?"  No, he knew why he had come.  He knew the call God had on His life, to save those very ones that were hurting him.  Usually the very ones that are hurting us the most are the ones that need the most unconditional love.  They do not know what love is and therefore do not know how to give it.

I think the reason that we get so easily offended all the time is that we think of ourselves more highly than we ought for one.  We also put too much stock in what others say because we do not truly believe that we are loved to the very core of who we are by the very one that created us.  The truth is that no one can love us to that extent in our own natural selfish, sinful selves.  We just are not capable of loving someone to that degree no matter what they do to us UNLESS we have the spirit of God moving in us causing us to will and to do his good pleasure!  When we get so caught up in what someone has done against us we are acting like the guy in the Bible that was demanding others to pay up on their debts even though his debts had been forgiven!  We are so fickle that way.  The thing is that we will hurt knowingly or unknowingly just as we are hurt.  Hurt people will hurt people.  We as humans are hurt.  We say things and do things that we don't even realize are hurtful until something is brought to our attention.  I think we do need to be sensitive and listen when others bring something up so that we can examine ourselves, not so that we will go into shame mode, but so that we can bring that before the Father and say, "Why am I doing this?" 

I bring this topic up because it has weighed heavily on my mind lately.  Friendships can be so tenuous.  Even after many, many years of friendship we still cannot handle criticism and sometimes we just cannot handle the truth.  We are all such delicate creatures in that way.  Our hearts are very tender.  Part of that is good, that is why we become friends at all- we need each other, that is how God made us.  We are to be interpendent.  We need to strike the balance of not being offended and at the same time realizing that we need to be very gentle with each other's hearts.  We are all like facades of confidence and appearing like we all have it all together, but one thing happens, one person says one mean thing and it all comes crashing down. 

There are many ways to handle these situations- let them go, give the other person who hurt grace and try to forget about it and go on or bring it up in love.  But I think to myself, what are you wanting to accomplish by bringing it up?  Do you want them to feel bad?  Do you want them to grovel?  Do you simply want them to acknowledge their wrong and apologize?  We really need to bring it before the Father who has all wisdom and understanding.  When is the right time?  How?  What do I say?  We cannot know these answers in our flesh apart from God.  We often just want the other person to pay somehow, that definetely is not God's way.  Lord, the only way we can live not being offending or not offending is to walk with you moment by moment.  It is only by your spirit that we will overlook offense as you did.  The only way is by a miracle that takes place in the deepest part of our heart and soul, that place that needs to know the truth of your love so desperately.  Your love is truly the balm that will heal our soul.  I ask for that miracle today, pour over me with your spirit that I would be less offensive to others and less offended by others.

Raising Our Son

We were talking to friends last night and got on the topic of raising children.  I so admire the way they instilled in their children above all else how much they were loved and how gracious they were with them.  I am amazed at how we can intentionally change from the way we were raised.  We can choose to do it differently with the help of God.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart.  I know we will be tested, challenged, etcetera, but we can do this with the power of  God.  I am reminded how we are so dependent on Him and that that is a good thing.  We cannot raise our son without the wisdom, knowlege, grace, and love of God directing our words, our steps, and our lives.  So many parents focus on being sure the behavior is "right", but where is the heart of the child?  We can all change our outward behavior, but our hearts can still be far from where God calls it to be.  Each stage of life brings different challenges.  Am I going to find the joy in this season?  Am I always looking for the next season?  I can see where my tendency has always been to do what is right...it is black and white, right or wrong...but what is the bigger picture here?  Do we want our son to just pretend and look good on the outside or do we want his heart to follow after God?  That is our mission as parents- to point him to the heavenly Father and show him  how much he is  loved.  We need to pay attention to the spirit of our little boy- what specifically does he need?  What does he need for discipline?  We do not want to break his spirit, but rather spur  him on to as far as he can go.  We need to realize our son is to fulfill the plan that God has for him, not our plans for him.  He is not here to make us look good or bad, this is about his soul and training, teaching, leading, loving, challenging him to find his own way with his God.  We are here to launch him out.  If we do it with love and grace we will catapult him further than we have been able to go ourselves.  Remember to encourage!  Fill his love account to overflowing as there will be times we will need to take some withdrawals or we will  accidentally withdraw.  He needs to know how much he is loved.  We are God's hands and feet, we are his representatives to extend His love and grace to Josiah.  It is not our job to control him, tell  him what to do, but rather lteach him to learn and figure things out for himself in a safe place.  We need your help Father to keep our eyes on You and to remember to seek after You and the wisdom You have.  You know our son better than we do, You created him and You know what he needs at each moment.  Teach us to seek You with our whole hearts.   Give us what we need to raise this boy in such a way that he will know he is loved by you and by us so that he will fulfill the destiny that you have already ordained for him.  We will make mistakes, redeem those Lord...

I Am His Treasure!

God's timing is perfect!  He is a King and as a king he has a storehouse of treasure and guess what the treasure is?  Me!  I am His treasure, isn't that amazing!  As I posted yesterday I was worried about not ever being on time in my life...in the different seasons of my life- I have been believing lies about me and it is time that I let go of the shame and allow God's truth and love truly wash over me in a big way!  Shame is insidious!  It lurks in the shadows and colors everything that I do and everything that I am.  It is not from God!!!  I was reminded last night that God has me in this season of life because it is His perfect timing, He knew all the particulars of my life and He knew what I needed and when.  I am not behind the eight ball.  I am just where God ordained me to be right now.  Sometimes I add shame upon shame when I not only worry about where I am not measuring up and then I am frustrated that it is taking me so long to "get it."  Again, God's timing is perfect and He knows exactly what I need at any given time and when it is time to address this issue or that. 

My destiny has a lot to do with other people- but shame keeps me focused on myself!  That is a huge revelation in and of itself.  Shame is all about how I am defective, how I don't measure up, how I am not as good as this person or that person, how I am not popular, how I am not as fashionable, how I am not as pretty, etcetera.  I could go on and on.  Is that really productive?  It leaves me in a state of paralysis, self-pity, and useless to love, serve, or reach out to anyone- after all, I'm not good enough or they won't receive what I might have to give.  I have actually seen this many times in regards to physical affection.  I have always been stand offish, feeling like I am being presumptuous to approach someone, maybe they don't want me or like me or whatever.  Have I ever thought that when someone came to give me a hug?  Rarely, if ever...It is the shame that is dictating my behaviors, not the love of God.  My life needs to be defined in how much I am loved.  Am I perfect?  No, but I don't need to be.  God loves me just the way I am right now- He is so gracious!  I loved what Dave said last night- God is always in a good mood!  That perspective is so foreign to me.  When I was growing up it felt as though I never measured up to my parent's expectations.  I felt like I was always being judged for who I was.  I could never just be, I couldn't be silly or free because then I was being a show-off.  "Who do you think you are?"  I never knew who I was then and now I am just realizing who I am now- I am God's treasure.  It's easy to say the words, but it is really true! 

God will bring deeper and deeper healing to me as I serve those around me.  I need to start with my husband and son.  Love them, give yourself to them fully, realize that you are incredibly important to them, they need you to be all that God has called you to be so that they can be all that God has called them to be.  You instill the love of God into your son, not by talking about it, but by living it, it is an organic thing.  The actual process of fulfilling my destiny will bring healing.  Don't be so downcast, lift up your head, put your hope in God!  God has given me every thing I need.  I am the inheritance of God!  What an amazing thought!!  Wow, Lord, help me to really get that in the core of my soul.  There is security in really knowing that.  There is a new boldness to minister in the midst of knowing that truth.  Even my thoughts cannot drive Jesus away!  He is closer than my own breath.  He WILL NOT leave me or forsake me.  No matter what I think of Him or anything else- He loves me still!  Even when my thoughts of Him are less than who He really is!  He will always woo me closer to who He really is. 

Lord, I want to see who You really are, not the idol or the god of my own making, but who you really are!  I think of all the birthday blessings I received yesterday- will I receive them as true heartfelt experssions that they were meant to be or will I brush them off as something else?  Start receiving the love of the Father through others and through His spirit.  I can do nothing apart the infusion of His love.  I need His love like lifegiving intravenous fluid.  Without Him I am good for nothing.  Without Him I fall back into sinful thinking...what is sinful thinking- it is thinking untruths- I do not want to entertain false assumptions anymore.  It's not a matter of right and wrong anymore, it is a matter of life and death!  God sees the greater reasons why He says I wouldn't do that if I were you...not because He wants to control or because He is just waiting to watch the hammer fall, no, because He knows what it will do to my soul and that I will miss out on the full measure of His blessings, the life of peace, joy, freedom, love, hope, the truly abundant life!  That is what abundant life is- living fully in the continual knowledge and waterfall of his redeeming love!  Here I am Lord, standing under Your waterfall, soak me to the bone that I would get not just a glimpse, but a huge revelation of what Your purposes are for me here on this earth.  I love You so much, but You love me so much more!  Your love is perfect.  I will choose to believe that I Am Your Treasure now and forever!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made!

Well, I am another year older today.  I can't hardly believe it- it's not really that big of a deal although last night I cried because I really am still hoping for a baby- a baby that we have birthed.  We love our little Josiah who is now seven months already, but still wish for another baby.  It would be nice if God blessed with pregnancy, it would be cheaper than adoption...and it would be cool to see what our baby would look like.  I used to not want to go through labor, but now I see it as a priviledge!  I have been reading the book called, "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and how labor and delivery can go with very little medical intervention at home.  How I wish to experience that and yet at my age I'm not sure anyone would allow me to have a baby at home.  I still really want to experience breast feeding too, I kind of did it with Josiah, but I didn't produce much of my own milk and so I used a supplementer, which is a tube that you tape to your breast running to the nipple.  It has a bottle that you fill with formula.  It was cool to experience even a little of it though...

The one thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is that I always seem to be behind the eight ball.  What I mean is that whatever stage of life I am in it is always behind everyone else my age.  Most people my age have teenagers in the house, not little infants.  When I was single, most of my friends had already been married and had children (and now some are even divorcing)...I guess I can be thankful for being a bit more mature?  Not sure if I fit that description, but I ought to...So the people that I will find myself with are at least ten years younger than me, if not more.  I sort of feel frumpy on top of it.  I don't have a great figure, I am not fat, but neither am I thin or gorgeous like so many that go to the homegroup on Thursdays.  Maybe it is all merely perception.  It is hard to see myself as God wants  me to see myself when I see everyone around me looking so stylish or beautiful.  God you see my heart.  You know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  No matter what I think sometimes about myself, you don't think that way and you also don't see me the way some people see me...thank you!  You love me with an everlasting love no matter how I look, what struggles I have, or where I mess up.  You are faithful no matter what!  Thank you!  You will help me through this next season of life.  You will help me to minister to others just as they will minister to me.  You will help me to see someday why I am the late bloomer as some would say.  God, only You know and only You understand...Thank you that I can trust my past, present, and future in Your loving, all powerful, capable hands.  "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your steps!"

Well, my blessing of a son is calling...

Spell "RESPECT"

I have been listening to a book on tape regarding marriage.  Yikes!  I have failed the respect department of our marriage in a big way!  My role is to respect the position that God gave him rather than everything that he does.  Just like a soldier respects his Sargent or whoever is over him, so it is for the role of husband and wife.  I may think sometimes that I am smarter or whatever or may wish that my husband was like this or that...but am I thinking of myself more highly than I ought?  Probably.  It has been too easy to pick him apart...he fails everyday, he messes up his words, he is not the most eloquent of men, he frequently does things that make no logical sense.  So he gets up in the middle of the night and searches the internet at 2 a.m. and then 4 a.m., drinks coffee and wonders why he is tired all the time...He forgets all the time, sometimes literally five minutes ago, he loses things, he seems to wander, and how I wish that he would be the spiritual leader than I envision, but he is the one God has given and that I have chosen...it is up to me to encourage him to be all that God has called him to be.  He often seems to be living way below his potential, content to relax...I get very frustrated and really do not know how to encourage, but one thing is for sure, my way of trying to get him motivated is not working.  He needs respect above all else...

Respect means to esteem highly, to think more highly of him than of myself...wow, I have not done that...probably not since we have been married.  I think I have been influenced by the world more than I even realize and mix my selfishness and sin in there and disrespect and lack of love is what you get.  Marriage does not work well in that way of thinking...

I have one of the sweetest and most loving men I know though... and I take him for granted in a big way.  Why do I always see all his faults?  Why am I so quick to criticize and even sarcastically make fun of him?  We are one!  I am so clueless, so cruel in so many ways and I am hurting him as well as myself. 

So, he just came home.  I thought I would do well to respect him, I'm not sure if I did.  It is harder to tell when you disagree I think...he says he is processing what our pastor said about Malachi 3:10,the verse about bringing in the whole tithe into the storehouse, test me in this  says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."  He thinks that the pastor is just trying to put more pressure on the men...I don't see it that way at all- because we are to be walking by faith and not by sight.  True that is what we are supposed to be doing, but that is much easier said than true..."Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  It's not about us working harder, which I believe my husband is getting all wrong, it is about believing that God will meet our needs according to His riches in glory...It is not easy, that is true, but it is still what God calls us to do.  He likes to disagree without all the facts and he is not willing to get all the facts.  It is much easier to assume that we know enough to make a judgement, but that is not true!  How do I talk to him about this in a respectful way and yet still let him know that I disagree? 

Respect is soooooo hard!  I think it is much easier when the "king"  wears robes and sits on a throne than when he is just like me...it is so much easier to respect someone when you are looking at them from a distance.  Lord help me in this area...I know it is your way to respect him, I need your help in this holy spirit. 

Why am I Avoiding Him?

Okay, so I've just spent the last hour scrolling through Facebook and toodling around the internet...I know my son is going to wake up any moment and yet and I have not actually  talked to my Heavenly Father yet...why am I procrastinating?  Am I avoiding Him?  What is going on in my heart?  I keep saying that I want to spend time with Him and yet when I have that time, I don't.  Isn't that the true test?  If not then why not?  I don't understand it myself.  My heart longs to meet with Him on one level and yet on another level I find myself avoiding Him...do I feel guilt, shame, fear, sadness, I can't put my finger on it...When I am at church or homegroup I feel God's presence so strongly I just want to stay there, but when I am home alone sometimes He seems so far away that it hurts.  What is wrong with me I think to myself?  How come I am not getting that there is nothing wrong with me?  Why do I keep feeling this way Lord? 

Lord, I am tired of seeking...and still left wanting.  The whole concept of the abundant life- I want that and yet it seems so elusive...why do I struggle with this sense of meaningless?  I so often feel like I am going through the motions of life in black and white when I so desperately long for the vivid colors of abundant life.  You said that is why You came...then why is it so hard to find?  What exactly would I consider abundant life anyway?  What would it look like? 

I have so much to be thankful for really- a husband who loves me, a son that I have prayed for, the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom, a beautiful home and yet I still struggle with hopelessness.  My heart so longs for home.  My eternal home and yet it is not time...I have things that You want me to accomplish here on this earth-

Still left wanting....what is that I am wanting?  I'm not even sure myself, there is such discontentment in me...always looking for what I don't have..."Godliness with contentment is great gain", says God's word.  I do well to remember this.  I would do well to already know that I have everything that I need in Christ.  He is enough.  Just being with Him and He with me, "the lover of my soul", is enough.  If it doesn't feel like it is then why not?  Are you expecting too much from yourself, from other's and even from God.  I mean God is able, I don't mean that, I mean are you not content to just be with Him, but always needing Him to do something extraordinary?  Always needing something that you can't even put your finger on?  Lord, help my discontentment, help me to find my satisfaction in you alone, to find my security  in You alone.  You are the reason I live, you  bring meaning to my life!  Help me to see what you see, to live this life fully functioning in the call that you have on me...help me not to wander in the darkness of despair, self-pity, hopelessness- you are my only hope!

Time with My Father

As I sit with you Lord, I dream of what could be.  I dream of what my life would look like if I was completely given over to you in my thoughts, my dreams, my attitudes, in my day to dayness of life.  As Jesus said, "I do nothing except what my Father tells me to do."  Lord, I want to be like that.  I want to receive the daily manna of your voice...I want and even more importantly need to hear from you regarding everything in my life.  I say "my life", but maybe that is part of the problem, I am too convinced that this is my "my life."  Have I not given my life over to you?  Have I really died to  myself, my dreams, my habits, my addictions, my rights, etcetera?  I am so busy living "my life", that I have forgotten that I have given my life to you.  I want so  much to lose myself, to live with the power and the peace that comes from living in your presence moment by moment...how do I do that and still live in this world.  Wherever I go, because you are in me, you go too.  "Christ in me, the hope of glory."  I want others to see you, not me.  At homegroup last night I was reminded that my sin is no longer a barrier to my relationship with Christ, why?  Because it was taken care of at the cross once and for all!  Do I really believe that?  Do I really think that I can come boldly into the throne of grace?  Do I really believe that I can approach the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and that he receives me?  He does!  That is what is so amazing...talk about good news!!!  Do I really get that God's Word truly is good news?  If not, then I have to ask myself "Why not?" 

Our discussion last night was about how the Kingdom of Heaven, the Kingdom of God should be where we live here on this earth.  That should be our "normal."  But we often go in search of that rush, that high that we get with God when we go to an anointed church service, or in worship, or in a meeting somewhere that again reminds us of what we could have...we are like druggies looking for our next high- shouldn't we be practicing the presence of God at this moment...and at every moment?  Shouldn't that make a difference in how we react, respond, and live our daily life?  Are we any different from the world if we keep seeking after the experience rather than a moment by moment encounter with our Father God?  Are we more addicted to the goose bumps or to the true, unadulturated love that the Father has for His own?  Our normal ends up being just like everyone else's- scraping by with snippets of true life and love- we survive the day, we can't wait for Friday, we struggle through the meaning of what we are doing day to day in our jobs, our mundane life and wonder what is this all about.  How did Jesus walk in the mundaness of his day when He was truly God and had the divine power to do anything He wanted and yet..."did not consider eqaulity with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..."  Wow, He could do anything He wanted, but chose instead to submit Himself to the Father minute by minute and He found fulfillment there.  He knew His purpose on this earth.  He was not here to make a name for Himself or to prove to everyone who He really was- He was so secure in His purpose, so secure in who He really was that He didn't have to prove anything to anyone...

Wow, if we could get that- we have nothing to prove to anyone.  Not to ourselves or anyone else- we already know who we are- the beloved of the Father.  Do we really, really believe that?  God made us the way He chose to make us and He is pleased with what He has made...are we perfect, no, but God knows that we are dust.  He knows us and sees us and loves us anyway...The only thing that separates me from my security and destiny in God is me- my own perceptions.  My view of God is skewed...it is an idol of my own making, not who God really is.  God is love.  He is not capable of anything else.  Yes, He calls us to live holy lives but as it says in Galatians, "Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh."  and, "Are you so foolish?  After beginning in the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?"  We are to continuously live dependent on the Spirit of the living God- that is how God designed us.  We so often though think we can now do it on our own.  We get mad at ourselves when we fail- but we were never meant to live a godly life apart from God Himself- He is the one who empowers us...It is Him and only Him that will give us the sustaining power to live as He calls us to live.  "He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."  Our perfect peace only comes from walking with Him minute by minute, day by day.  In the New Testament you rarely, if ever, see Jesus flustered by the needs of people, nor of their sin, etcetera.  He did become angry at the buying and selling in His Father's house.  He knew what He was called to do every  moment of His life because He listened to His Father.  He was not afraid of death as He knew that is what He came to this earth to do...He came to conquer death by dying and then raising to life and giving death it's final blow!  Satan wanted to snuff out the image bearers of God through death and God had a plan that would not be easy, but would thwart the plan of satan.  We would no longer have to fear death as we who are His own will have eternal life in communion with Him!

Why is that we come before God with such great expectations?  Well, maybe because He is God and everything He does is grand.  Are we ever content to just be with Him, with no expectations? Do we always have to expect Him to do something?  God is not our servant, we are His.  Yes, He loves us and jsut as we want to bless our earthly children, how much more does He want to bless us?  But even still, He is God and we are not.  He always knows what is best, just as we know what is best for our children.  How true Lord, deliver us from that need to have You prove Yourself to us.  You are God, period.  You don't have to do things our way. 

Are we "being" born again.  It is not a once and for all kind of thing...it is a continual process.  Being implies ongoing...our mind set is to continually be changed in His presence.  The continous process of having our minds renewed.  We are to set our minds on things above, not on things of the earth...Are we truly living that way?  Are we more concerned about what I will get for Christmas, how I'm going to pay my bills, I need time to clean the house, how am I going to get all  my work done, etcetera?  We are in the world, but not of it.  How does that really play out in our lives?  Do we walk each day in a peace that our Father has our  back?  No matter what comes our way do we believe that He knows and He is with us?  Do we really believe that He will make all things work together for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose? 

The mundaness of life can send us spiraling down to the depth of our soul almost as much as pain can send us to our knees asking "Why?"  So many days we struggle with the real meaning of our lives, the real purpose of doing things over and over again...does God allow this to bring us to a place of holy dissatisfaction so that we will search for Him.  One moment, one day without the presence of God is meaningless...Do you dare to believe that God is who He says He is?  And if He is, wouldn't that radically change our lives if we would totally believe that God is romancing us, wooing us into His presence, not so that He can condemn us or judge us or tell us who we are not, but so that He could love us so completely that we would not have to look anywhere else of that love that we all are in search of and so that our lives would be so obviously radically different that we would actually enjoy the journey that He put us on this earth for.  Have you ever heard that saying, "Smile, it will give people a reason to wonder?"  Wherever we go, we bring the life of God, the peace of God, the hope of God, the wisdom of God, whatever He is, we are because we are not only made in His image, but we are given over to Him completely that He would live through us.  We still look like us, in our uniqueness, the way He made us.  "I have come that you might have life and life more abundantly!"  How do we live out that abundant life that He offers us- by giving ourselves totally to Him.  How do we give ourselves totally to Him?  By listening for Him, hearing Him, submitting to Him and allowing "Christ in me the hope of glory" to shine through.  Allow the Heaven to come down to earth by allowing God to show up wherever you find yourself then the values of the Kingdom of God will come to bear in that meeting, in that family, in your household, raising your children, wherever you find yourself,  if you allow Him, He will be there!

Abortion

I saw pictures today that I could not believe...I saw babies body parts torn to bits.  I saw piles of babies in trash cans.  I saw heads that were severed off of their bodies.  I saw burned, blackened tiny bodies that were left alone to die.  How can a civilized nation perform such heinous evils?  I do not understand how anyone could even be a part of something so inhumane.  We humans are capable of so much good and so much evil.  It is another deception of the highest order.  How can so many so called smart people be a part of this. 

Choice.  An interesting word don't you think?  It implies that one can pick this or that...The abortion agenda touts that woman are to have free choice, but at whose expense?  Is it ever okay to choose something that will take another's choice away?  Is it okay to murder someone because that person made us mad or got in our way, inconvenienced us in some way?  Every choice that I make has an action and a reaction.  My actions affect others.  Why is it okay to annihilate innocent babies in the wound, a voiceless generation so that no one will know we were pregnant or had sex before marriage- all to hide our sin or to eliminate something that gets in our way.  Does that baby have a choice?  Its okay to torture and kill the ones that cannot defend themselves, no one will know?  How can this practice be legal while literally killing my neighbor would put in prison even if I killed him in self defense.  This makes no logical sense!  I do not understand how the country can be okay with this.  Do they really know the truth of this practice, it's horrendous, heinous acts?  Are we so called smart people that deceived? 

I think of our son that we adopted- his birthmother chose life this time.  He could have been aborted.  We would not have been blessed with his precious life.  We are so grateful for him.  His birthmother had two therapeutic abortions in the past, he too could have been found blue in a trash can somewhere.  This holocaust continues due to our selfishness.   These atrocities take place every day all over our country because people either don't know the truth or they don't care to know the truth.  Someone actually wrote that they were disgusted that someone posted these gruesome, but truthful pictures on Facebook even more than they were disgusted at the fact that these actually go on...wow!  God help us.  Have mercy on us!  Children are a blessing from the Lord, not something to be thrown away!

Making sense of difficult topics

Wow, so many thoughts on my mind...I just found a friend of mine, a nurse who has cared for a transgendered person that I also took care of a few years back.  I don't know what I think about all of it.  I do not believe that God would create us male and female with our unique DNA so that we would become something other than what he created.  I cannot imagine being in such a place as having such an identity crisis of that magnitude.  Each one of us are on our own journey.  We were all created with a sense of something missing, a void.  We are all on a quest to find our identity.  This plays out in all of us in such different ways.  I believe so many of the things that we do, don't do, the things that get us into trouble, even our pursuit of success, all of these are frequently tied into our search for our identity.  This may include our addictions, our sins, our failures, our relationship problems, our quirks, I could go on and on....The problem that I see though is that often we are searching for our identity apart from the God who created us in our inmost beings.  We cannot find our identity apart from God.  He is the one that created us and  instilled within us desires, hopes, dreams, plans, etcetera.  We go off into crazy directions when we search for our identity without that realization.  I do not believe we can ever be at peace with ourselves when we choose that which is not God's highest and best for us.  I do not believe that God would create someone who was physically a different sex than what they created them to be.  How does one understand this whole thing?  I believe that this is a deviant lifestyle, but I also believe that God loves and knows the heart of everyone.  He knows where we came from and where we are going.  He knows our hurts, our fears, our failures, as well as our hopes, our dreams, and the call that He has for us.  Will we try to make sense of God by our experiences and what we are able to understand or will we try and understand ourselves in the light of God's infinite understanding and love?  I do  not believe that we are to rationalize our behaviors or negate the truths of God's Word because our experience does not match up.  I find myself asking why instead.  God is able to handle an honest question like that.  I believe that we can all learn from one another, no matter where we come from or what we have in common or not.  He does allow people in our path, maybe it is to challenge our thinking and I love to have my thinking challenged and maybe it is to solidify even more clearly what and why we believe. 

I believe each of us at the core of our being is searching for understanding, searching for unconditional love and acceptance.  The thing is, I do not believe that we will ever have that in a person.  No one can ever love us that fully, that completely, that thoroughly, as God himself.  He knows us through and through, as he created us and is with us for our entire lives (20,30,75 years and actually for all eternity) and still loves us inspite of us and because of us.  But, he does not love us with a sloppy love, but a very deliberate love.  Love hurts, no doubt, just as Christ died on the cross- it was not a feel good kind of love, but rather a laying  down of one's life to save another.   God's love is unconditional and yet eternal life is conditional.  Yikes, some will not agree with me on this point, but, read the Bible yourself and see that God calls us to do many things... "Call on the Lord and you shall be saved."  "Take up your cross and follow me."  "Forgive and you shall be forgiven." 

A friend of mine and I were talking about so many things today.  This whole homosexual militancy.  Why is it that I am required to accept homosexuality and why do many of this community think it is socially acceptable to do things (like ride bikes down the street in a parade with nothing on) that we as heterosexuals could not do or we would be arrested for indecent exposure.  Why are we thought to be intolerant and yet they are intolerant of those who do not agree with them?  Why would they want to identify themselves merely by their sexual preference?  Don't they have other things that would define them such as artists, nurses, writers, business owners, etcetera...When I think of the gay parade I think well maybe I should go down the street and wear a tshirt that says, "I love my husband."  I don't understand this thinking at all.  There is more to each of these folks than merely who they go to bed with each night.  If someone asked me what I thought about gay people I would agree with my friend today who said, "Which ones?"  There are creepy gay people and there are creepy straight people.  There are nice gay people and there are nice straight people.  It has more to do with the particular people than it does with their sexual orientation.  I had a friend named Mac when I was in my 20s- he told me he was gay and he was with his boyfriend Phillip- I didn't agree with their lifestyle, but I would not preach to them all the time.  I liked them actually.  I think it is important to love them, but that does not mean that I need to agree with them either. 

Lord, our identity can only be found in you!  Please direct my steps to you.  To know your love for me.  The hope that you have for me.  You love me enough not to keep me where I am.  Teach Your truth and give me an undivided heart that I may fear Your name and when I see others whether transgendered, homosexual, had an abortion, has tatoos and body piercings all over, been a prostitute, or some filthy rich person, whatever they are and wherever they have been, let me love as you would love.  Let me love them in such a way that they could not deny the truth, let me be so filled with your love that it would overflow to all that would come in contact with me...