Suffering brings intimacy

Laura story writes in her book "What if your blessings come through raindrops?" "There is a depth of intimacy with God that can only be known through suffering.  There is reliance on him that can only be experienced when everything else around my soul seems to give away. If that's what it takes to make this stubborn child cling to that old rugged cross, you can have your prosperity.

I'd rather have Jesus." 

Why does God call us to suffering in order to be intimate with him? Is it because we can identify with His cross? Is it because it is there that we learn that this world is not our home and that we long for something more?  God calls us to carry our cross daily and follow him and for each of us that means something different. For some of us that means physical pain and illness, for others it means relational heart ache and still for others it means financial stress and a myriad of other difficulties in this life.  Jesus himself says that in this world we would have trouble but Frusta take heart for he has overcome the world. This is not all there is, God has so much waiting for us I think of another scripture that says that our sufferings are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweighs them all. I'm grateful for this hope, I hold on to this promise and I wait expectantly for all that God has prepared for those of us who believe and trust in his appearing...

Henry Nouwen in his book, "The Inner Voice of Love", talks about a journey from anguish to freedom and one of the things that he talks about is to live our wounds through. To experience those wounds instead of thinking them through but to live them through so that our wounds would come to a place of healing deep within our spirits.  Instead of asking ourselves questions like, Why was I wounded, when, how or by whom.  We believe that these answers will bring relief but they only may offer us a little distance from our pain.  We have to let go of our need to stay in control of our pain and trust in the healing power of our God through our hearts.  

The only way out is through the pain and to calling out and crying out to God in our deepest anguish and sorrow and seeking his face, for it is there that we don't have to understand but only trust that Christ is able to make all grace abound to us and we can say with certainty yea though you slay me yet will I trust you"!  "God is our refuge and our strength a very present help in our time of need and "if God is for us then who can be against us". Run into the arms of your father, your heavenly father who is perfect; he is all loving, compassionate and kind to each of us... For he is "the God of all comfort" and truly this is all we need to know...

A Plea for Life!

I spoke with the agency that we are going through for our second adoption.  Liz stated that there are very few birthmothers coming in to discuss the possibility of adoption.  We started our second adoption process in January of 2011, right after our son's adoption was finalized.  We knew it could take quite a while.  We are now two years and six months from the start of this journey and here we wait.  And wait.  And wonder and wish... we are not spring chickens at this point with me being 46-years-old and my husband nearing fifty.  It was definitely disheartening to hear that the possibilities are slim, but I also know a God, my God who is in the business of miracles everyday, many of which we take for granted.  Think of this miracle of life itself.  I think of the gift of conception, without the hand of God, there would be no life at all.  I have heard that humans can only get pregnant one or two days a month and yet "accidentally" many become pregnant all the time.  Then the development of a baby and all the systems of the body that come together so that a healthy infant is born.  Life is discarded all the over the world due to a baby getting in the way of plans, an inconvenience...the deception that we as a nation embrace is incomprehensible..."Children are a gift of the Lord" and yet we see them as getting in our way...

This morning I asked for others from our church to pray for those who find themselves in a difficult situation and are contemplating what they are going to do.  We prayed that the hearts of a birthmother would be changed to choose life for their unborn child.  Where are the protectors of those who cannot defend themselves?  Where are the  men and women who would be the voice of the voiceless?  The irony is so great in my mind that the very ones who cry for women's choice are the very ones who were born to mother's who may have gotten pregnant at an inconvenient time and yet chose life that they would now live to condone another's death.  How can people be tried for murder of an unborn baby and yet then be charged for murder after a botched abortion, the illogical inconsistencies abound and yet these same people would say that I am ignorant for thinking that a "mass of cells" or a "fetus" is actually a baby!  We are busy protecting the whales and the eagles and other creatures, while we let the fruit of our wombs be ripped from it's protective cocoon only to be thrown in a trash can or clog up a drain.  Hard to read?  Yes!  And yet, even harder to write, but the "Truth will set us free!"  Sex was created to bring forth life, by God's design as well as be the glue that brings a man and a woman together for life-- we can say it isn't so and put our heads in the sand, but the truth is still the truth.  To tell kids to engage in "safe" sex  (like having sex doesn't bring forth a soul tie, to liken it to a handshake) and then tell them not to get pregnant?  I guess the age of enlightenment is the epitome of illogical thinking; all to cover up what we already know deep in our hearts to be a lie, but the longer we tell ourselves these lies, the more firmly embedded they become and we actually start to believe them.

Interesting in how our pastor today referred to Matthew 6:25 where Jesus himself says that no one can serve two masters, either he will hate the one and love the other or love the one and hate the other..."  "Love not the world nor the things of the world" says John in the book of John.  We are recklessly selling our souls for the "lust of the world" and for the "pride of life".  He went on to say that we are in a "death denial culture", we want to forget that death is a part of life.  We do not want to be reminded of our physical demise.  Looking in the face of death puts our whole life into perspective.  What are we living for?  What is our purpose?  If all it is is to prove that we are successful by how prestigious a job we have or how much money we make or how big our house is or who our friends are, they will all pass away; whether you and I want to face it or not.  Let us deny our own future death and therefore we do not have to ask ourselves the questions about whether or not there is an eternity and if we do live eternally then where will we be.  Let's continue to deny the truth and align ourselves with the one that wants to kill, steal and destroy anything having to do with life and love and continue to live with only ourselves in mind, for our convenience...

Let us stand for what is true, let us stand for life.  Let us choose righteousness over convenience.  Selflessness over selfishness.  Abortion comforts no one.  The "problem" may appear to be alleviated, but the heartache lasts a lifetime.  Let us look at the truth, no matter how awful that we would then choose what is good, what is eternal rather than the temporary "fix".  For yourself and your unborn child, choose life.  Let us put those children in empty arms...so many waiting hearts, so many...let us choose life for those unborn souls-- your mother did--!

A Mother's Day musings...

This Mother's Day, my third, I was finding my  heart to be so full of gratitude.  I get to have the chance to be a Mom!  Life has so many ironies that it is hard to wrap my brain around.  Only God knows why things happen the way they do.  Why one mother was not ready to parent the child she bore and why another mother was unable to conceive and is now a mother out of another's loss and pain.  Our pastor prayed for us mothers-- sometimes I almost feel like an imposter, like I am not for real because I did not conceive and bear this child and yet, my heart tells me otherwise as I fed him, bathed him, changed him, and continually train him, read and snuggle with him.  I cannot imagine life without this little boy who has the biggest, widest, most genuine smiler around.  This little boy who makes me laugh and has the best giggle that I have ever heard.  This little boy that is so smart.  I pray for him all the time, that He would know His God and follow Him all the days of His life, who knows the places he will go, as Dr. Suess so aptly penned.

How can it be that a heart can be so full of gratitude and yet so full of grief all at once?  So full of gladness and sadness all at the same time-- Again, the ironies of life that abound.  It is through joy that we are sustained and through pain that our character is built.  God is good and He does all things well, I will trust in sorrow and blessing!  For my God is faithful at every hour and at every turn!  

Adoption Story, Our First Meeting

Well, I hope this does not get the feeling of one of those movies that goes on and on, like Rocky I, II, III, etcetera...but we are just getting to the good part and I am writing this as much for a document for our family to remember as for others to enjoy...

So, where was I, oh yeah, we were on our way to Billings.  That is an eight hour driver from where we live.   We stopped in Missoula to get a baby name book!  We had a girl's name picked out, for some reason we were convinced we were going to have a girl, you know how that goes...So I started calling out names that I liked and Kent would say yay or nay and all the yeses were written on a list.  We narrowed it down to a dozen or so that we were contemplating.  We looked up the meanings of the names and thought about the meanings as related to Bible characters and what they stood for.  We didn't make any decisions yet on what his name would be...

We got checked in at the hotel in Billings and decided to get a bite to eat at the Windmill Steak House.  We took out the list of names and then as I recall we wrote our favorite names again.  I honestly cannot remember if they matched right away or not, but we came to a consensus pretty quickly.  Josiah, which means "fire of God" was what we settled on after we read the story of King Josiah and really like how he stood for God in the midst of idolatry.  We picked Christian, which means as you would expect "follower of Christ".  We wanted him to remember his roots where ever life took him in the future.  After dinner, we headed back to the hotel and as you might think, we didn't get much sleep that night (at least I didn't).

I was a bundle of nerves in the morning.  We were supposed to meet at 3:00 p.m, but the social worker had not confirmed anything since we had left home.  I kept asking my husband to call and find out what was going on, I knew I couldn't do it.  I was near tears practically all day!  I couldn't believe that they would make us wait until 3:00 p.m.!  How could they do that?  Anyway, we made the best of it and had breakfast, went shopping a bit and had a salad for lunch.  We were called to meet at 2:00!  I was absolutely beside myself, I could hardly keep it together!  I was sweating and ready to burst into tears at any moment--

We headed to the office in Billings.  We went in the door and were greeted by Lorraine, one of the social workers.  We were brought into a small living room type place and waited for what seemed to me like a hundred years.  We could hear them showing our little boy off out in the hall and  I could hardly contain myself to sit still and wait until they came in.  Finally, they brought in this little 6 pound, 12 ounce boy wearing a baseball one piece outfit and put him in my arms.  It was love at first sight, there is just not other way of describing it!  The tears came instantly, I couldn't believe my eyes, I couldn't believe it was really happening!  He was beautiful!  He had reddish blonde hair.  We fed him and held him and sat in amazement of this precious gift of life that was being entrusted to us...and then we had some paperwork to sign and finish up.  Once we talked with the cradle care foster Mom who was also named Kim (she had adopted two children and they were with her and were now 7 and 9 or so years old) and found out what kind of formula he was on and all the details of caring for him, we walked out the door. Talk about a weird feeling!  Can we really take him home with us, we thought...and to top it all off we weren't even sure how to get him in the car seat-- we thought for sure they were going to take him back from us thinking we were unfit parents, but instead they just chuckled and smiled knowingly...

Once we were on the road, I was in back with him and we were just trying to get as far as we could to get as close to home as we could.  Our first stop was at Arby's to use the bathroom and change him.  Again, I thought for sure someone was going to ask us whose baby that was and call the police or something, it was such as strange feeling...No one stopped us except to say, "He looks just like you"!  We would smile to ourselves just as proud as we could be that our son, Josiah Christian was really gifted to us by God and now we too had entered into the world of parenthood where we too had the awesome responsibility to raise him up to fear and love God above all else...

Fully Alive!

I heard something the other day that really started to spark my thinking..., "Are you fully alive"?  Hmmm, it really made me ponder, "What does it mean to be fully alive"?  Not just alive, we can all walk around like the walking zombies...but am I FULLY alive?

What does that mean for you?  What does it feel like, taste like, sound like, look like, or smell like?  Maybe it means the same thing as living in the moment--fully living in the moment.  What Jesus called, "...life more abundantly" (John 10:10).

Living fully alive invariably means that we WILL feel pain...emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational pain.  So, often I think we would like to think that is not true, but all too often it is true.  We live in a broken world full of the brokenness in each one of us.  When you hear of people with mental illness or other emotional issues, they often describe themselves as "feeling numb", too much pain.  Being fully alive means we will feel pain, which is not pleasant, but a sign of life...

My Waiting Heart

Here I am again
Trying to be patient for a glimpse of you--
Only God knows what you look like
And when you will come to us--
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

Where are you in this world
At this very minute that I am thinking of you--
Are you even here in a physical sense
Or are you too waiting for your entrance
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a  moment's notice.

Maybe you are in a darkened cocoon,
So warm and safe and sure--
Only God knows when you will be ready
To join us in our family--
So, my waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

You will have a little brother
Who talks about your coming soon all the time--
He can hardly contain himself to meet you--
To play and laugh and grow up with him--
So, our waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a moment's notice.

A daddy is longing for you too,
To cuddle and read you a story--
He prays for you all the time
So we can finally be a family with you--
So, our waiting heart stands ready
To receive you at a  moment's notice!

Come quickly dear little one
Your mommy loves you already--
My heart is full and longing for you
To kiss you and hug you and smell your sweet scent--
Our waiting hearts stand ready
To receive you at God's perfect moment!

Adoption Journey- Part III

So, where was I?  Oh yes, we were in limbo...my husband was unemployed and now we were on hold for our little miracle that we were hoping for.  We were not happy campers to say the least, trying to trust God in the  middle of it all.  "Consider it all joy my brothers, when trials..." Joy?  Wow, now that can be a hard pill to swallow.  So, he eventually got a job working with a medical supply company delivering oxygen and other medical equipment.  This was in February of 2010.  We were back on the track.  The wait seemed so long, so daunting on so many different levels.  I remember people would ask us all the time, "So any news?" I would say the standard line, "No, nothing".  It felt stale.  It felt depressing.  I wanted to scream and send out a memo on some kind of letter head that looked official..."WE HAVE HEARD NOTHING!  YOU WILL KNOW WHEN WE HAVE HEARD!"  In the midst of such pain in waiting, hearing the same question over and over again can be so heavy.

I remember it was my middle brother Cliff's birthday.  Kent was gone on a Tres Dias retreat serving the men and I was home alone.  I decided to call Cliff for his birthday.  He too asked if we had heard anything with the adoption, I remember myself telling him very dejectedly that we hadn't heard a thing.  I felt really low that day, I recall.  I decided to go the library.  I got the movie, "The Business of Being Born", a documentary on having children at home.  So, here I was watching a program about childbirth at home alone, feeling like crying in my soup.  Little did I know that our son, Josiah, was born that very day, but I'm getting ahead of myself a bit...

We went to work as usual the next week.  My husband was on jury duty on Wednesday, the day he would usually be working.  I was working late and he was sitting in the homecare agencies waiting room while I was finishing up.  At 5:30 or so my cell phone rang, it was Sheila from the adoption agency.  "Hi Sheila, how's it going?" I asked, not thinking anything was up as we had had many conversations regarding paperwork, ecetera.  "We have a baby."  WHAT?"  "We have a baby!"  At this point I was crying and could not utter words for what seemed like a very long time. Once I got my composure, she started to tell  me all the specifics of the baby although I did not hear whether it was a boy or a girl.  I remember the scheduler Mandy asking me whether it was a girl or a boy, but Sheila was talking about the birthmother's height, the health issues that were in the family...At this point I was out in the lobby area and Kent looked like a deer in the headlights, it took several times of telling him that we have a baby before it really registered with him.  At this point I remember Sheila asking if we were willing to take him, "Yes!"  I called my boss Katie and apparently she had already heard from Mandy, telling her I would be picking up this little guy on Friday. Sheila asked us when we wanted to come and I was like, "tomorrow?"  She had some logistical conflicts so the soonest we could get there was going to be for Friday morning in Billings at the LSS office.  So we went home in shock and began calling everyone we knew in excitement.  We decided to go to homegroup that night.  I was sitting in the chair and Dave was talking about computers and I was uh huh, uh  huh, I was waiting for Susie to come to the living.  Susie casually asked me how I was and I said, "Great!"  "Really?"  "Yeah, I'm doing GREAT!"  We have a baby!  Everyone screamed with great excitement and I filled them in with the details.  They took us out to Target and had us fill our shopping cart full of everything we would need for a new baby as we had absolutely nothing at this point as we were told not to get much as it would make the wait even harder.  They blessed us tremendously.  Mandy from work sent us home after we had gotten the call with her car seat that she had in storage.  Thursday morning I washed all the new baby stuff and packed for our trip to Billings and left for the eight hour trip...

The Gospel according to Ephesians 2

Our women's Bible study has been studying the book of Ephesians.  There is so much in there that I wanted to try to capture the heart of the message in a way that I could encourage others!  "For it is by grace that You have been saved through faith and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8,9

I was dead in my transgressions and sins,
When I used to follow the ways of this earth--
I would gratify the cravings of my sinful nature
And follow it's desires and thoughts since my birth.

I was an object of God's wrath,
That is what Ephesians two reveals to me--
But God with His great kindness and love,
Poured out His rich and tender mercy.

He made me alive in Christ,
Even when my soul was as good as dead--
By grace He saved me through and through,
That is what I read.

He raised me up and seated me with Christ
In the heavenly realms,why, it's so hard to believe!
There is nothing that I could have done--
My part was only to receive!

I have been saved through faith.
It is a gift of God, I cannot be in pride.
I was made to do good works--
I was made to be His bride!

The law reminded me that I could not reach
The standard that was set--
He made a way for me through Christ--
He paid my sinner's debt!

I once was far away from Him,
But now I've been brought near!
I have access to the Spirit,
I no longer have to fear!

Will you choose to trust
The God who cannot lie?
He cares for you more than you'll ever know--
Because His love is deep, and wide and high...

Indescribable Gifts

Not too long ago I was reading in the book of Numbers, not my favorite book of the Bible by any stretch of the imagination, but every word of the Bible is inspired and is there for a reason.  I try to read it on a daily basis with our son at breakfast time.  Some mornings I really pray that God shows us what we need to glean from some of these Old Testament chapters as oftentimes they can be dryer than unbuttered toast.  On this particular morning in January, I was struck by the number of animals that needed to be sacrificed everyday.  And, not only daily, but also special additional sacrifices that had to be done monthly, yearly and during special feasts and commemorative holy days.  To my count according to the text that I was reading it amounted to 67 lambs a month and not just any lambs, but the best of their flock, the unblemished ones, the best of the best.  In addition, there were bulls and rams as well the oil mixed with flour and the wine offerings.  I cannot imagine not only the level of bloodshed that took place, but the time it took everyday to prepare oneself and the animals and that's not even including the financial implications.  No wonder they had to have huge herds.  But, if they followed the commands that God laid out for them, God promised that they would be blessed far beyond any other nation of the earth.

I am so thankful that I live in a time where I can come boldly to the throne of grace.  I don't have to prepare for hours to approach Jehovah.  I don't have to go outside and slaughter my animals in the backyard or take their blood and sprinkle it.  Truly that grosses me out, I have no framework from which to work when it comes to imaging this whole ritual.  I can talk to God through Jesus anytime I have a need, a concern or just want to give Him thanks and praise.  No pomp, no circumstance, just come.  Because of how easy it is to come to God through grace, have we forgotten just how Holy He is?  People died in the Old Testament for not following precisely what God had prescribed for them to do.  Aaron's son's died in the temple.  Priests were pulled out of the tabernacle by a rope due to one wrong move.  Do we really understand just how big His grace is towards us who believe?   We have such freedom in our walk with Christ, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free".

And yet, James says that "Faith without works is dead" and the Old Testament says, "To obey is better than sacrifice".  Even in the midst of the prescribed sacrifices that God's people needed to give, He was even more concerned with their heart to obey.  Obedience is the the best example of Worship.  Worship is not just for a Sunday morning music sing-a-long.  Worship is a way of life and nothing says worship better than doing what God calls us to do.  "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart".  We cannot fool God- "Where your treasure is there your heart will be also".  Do I do what God has asked me to do?  Do I do it quickly?  Is my treasure truly with God?  All questions I must ask myself in the midst of a world with so  many distractions and not just ask once but over and over and over!  I am so grateful for a Savior who is always praying on my behalf...not only is He the Lamb of the world, but my high priest that makes intercession for me!  What peace that brings to me, He loves me that much!  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!  If that thought doesn't move you to worship, what will?  Praise be to God for His indescribable gifts!

Extravagant Worship!

I was challenged to write for a woman who invited me to her poetry contest while I wrote whatever moved me, "the music that moves pens".  What a great creative idea!  I decided I would take her up on it and decided that tonight was the night.  I sat down and chose one of her links and I was pleasantly surprised by the treat of listening to The Piano Guys rendition of the Carole of the Bells as they played on cellos.  Not only was it musically moving and gorgeous, but the creativity of the YouTube video was beautiful as well...

The topic of worship is one that is close to my heart as I love music that moves me to worship the one from whom it all came...I want to discuss this further at some point, but for now I will leave you with the result of my ready pen at the sound of beautiful strains wafting through my ears and heart...

Music makes my heart swell and surge
To the poema deep inside my soul,
Such beauty, such awesome wonder--
Liquid prayers pour forth and weave a path down my cheeks and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

Though the wonder of silence has it's own lovliness,
The Carole of the bells spring forth from haunting cells
Moving my spirit to a sacred place, a hush of peace
Transcending time, crescednoing to a heavenly throne, and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

Oh, the strains of the highs and lows
Notes that bend and blend, weave in and out.
Rhythms ebbing and flowing expertly in and through
Rising and falling into one masterpiece, and--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

As waves recede and crash to shores around the globe
And babies and bird's calls fill vacant air
Oh no, I will not be undone, the rocks won't have to cry out
I too will rejoin with arms uplifted to the Maker of all this, as--
     I worship the One from whom all things come!

It's all about LOVE!

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself.  This is the first and greatest commandment"...This is not an option if we are a follower of Jesus, this is a requirement!

Love as defined in a dictionary states in part; " a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  Devotedness".

Love is not about following rules.  Following rules is simple, black and white. It is a line in the sand, a clear demarcation of when we have hit the mark and when we have not.   If you do right, then you are okay, if you do not, then you have some penance to do and some changing to do...  Love is much higher than this and much, much harder to put into practice. It's more about being led by God on a moment by moment basis, being open to take a detour to help someone.   Being kind to those that are very difficult to love is no easy task.  The fruit of the Spirit "is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control; against such there is no law".  Galatians 5:22, 23.  

Jesus loved the unlovely.  He loved those that were a stench to the Israelites  those who did not have the beliefs that God ordained.  He loved those who were in sin.  He loved those who did  not love Him.  He didn't force the truth down people's throats.  He confronted them with their sin lovingly.  He challenged them to sin no more.  He was actually much more "in your face" with the religious, the Pharisees and the Sadducees, those that thought they were so right.  He called them "white-washed sepulchers (or tombs)".  They were quick to judge those they thought were not "towing the line", the line that they had established as they had added laws to the laws that God had ordained in the Old Testament, breaking the backs of those around them with their rules.

I am thinking about how Moses interceded on behalf of the Israelites numerous times when God had apparently just had had enough- often God spared them and did not do what he intended on doing to the full measure that He had planned because of Moses' intercession on their behalf.  Frequently the people rose up and rebelled against both Aaron and Moses and still they prayed on behalf of them, pleading for mercy, now that is love!  They did not argue with God to destroy them although they were angry with them.  I am sure that Moses did not have a tender affection for the Israelites many times- this definition does not address the aspect of unconditional commitment even when the feelings of love wane and appear to be lost.  Our feelings are so fickle, nothing would ever have hope of lasting if we followed our ever changing emotional tides.

Again, love is the higher way and the harder way.  Much harder way!  It is much easier to judge another for their choices than it is to walk with them through the mud and mire of life and lend them a hand.  Life is messy even for the 'best' of us!  As the religious leader walked on the other side of the road for the Samaritan man who was lying on the side of the road.  It reminds me of the recent saying, "What would Jesus do?"  How many condemn even their own brothers and sisters in Christ for supposedly not having the understanding that they do in certain areas (me included) rather than loving them in these areas?  Walking down the potholed riddled life of another human being is no easy task when their choices fly in the face of all that we believe...but would Jesus do any less?  He died for us WHILE we were yet sinners.  We serve Him out of a greater revelation of what He has done for us, not the other way around.  We don't serve in order to be accepted.  We are accepted and therefore our desire is to serve!  It is so easy to get this all mixed up especially as we get involved in our churches, etcetera.  It is the natural bent of man to find his own way out and forget that he needs help....

Galatians says that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh if we walk in the spirit.  God is the author and perfecter of our faith...He is the author of it, the beginning of it when we first realized our need for a Savior and came into agreement about our need and repented, but it does not end there.  He is continuing to perfect us day by day.  We will never arrive to that place of perfection until we sing, "Oh Happy Day" in the presence of our God, it is from "glory to glory".  

"It is by grace that we are saved, through faith and this not ourselves so that no one can boast".  Grace.  Grace for yesterday, when we were first saved.  Grace today for my every blunder and misunderstanding and misguided way and grace for our future, so that I can actually made it to my Heavenly home.  

"Love one another as Christ has loved you".  It's as simple and yes, as incredibly difficult as that!

What Would You Have Me Do For You?

Have you ever considered that question?  Can you imagine the God of the universe asking you this question?   It amazes me that He would ask me what I would like Him to do for me!  In the Old Testament I remember God was very pleased with Solomon for praying and asking God to give him wisdom...and what happened? He received lots of wisdom and everything else too!  (Though what happened to that wisdom at the end of of his life, it is hard to tell).  Yes, I agree with Solomon, I could use a huge dose of wisdom in my life and have asked the Lord many times for it.

But that question is so far reaching- world peace, how often have we prayed for that in one way or another for our neighbors, our friends, our family, ourselves?  That would be an amazing gift.  What about love?  Surely we could use more love in our world, in our households, and dare I say it, more love in our churches. We are all under construction so maybe we should ask for instant deliverance and healing?  I don't truly know how to answer that question for myself although I have pondered it for some time now.  It is a vast question and I always end with God knows what is best for me in the end, maybe I should pose the question back to Him, "What would You have You do for me?"  He sees the implications for everything in my life, not just my own experience of my life, but the ramifications that would affect the generations to come behind me and the lives around me.  As I said, it is more far reaching that this little brain can fathom from my finite perspective.

Am I over-spiritualizing this question?  Maybe.  Why couldn't He narrow the field just a little bit though.  You know, kind of like  with a young child..."Would you like this blue shirt or the white one?  Do you want to go the park or go for ice cream?"  He is so grand and I so small.  "His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts" He says in His Word.  How do I distill everything in my heart with just one thing or maybe He is not asking me for just one thing, maybe I can ask for whatever comes to my mind,maybe the sky is the limit, He is God after all and owns everything on the planet and has more wisdom to solve every problem we could think of "Lord, can I have healing for my friend, finances, a new job, restoration for our family, healing, direction....and the list could go and on"  I think He is saying yes, but His yes may not look like what I think it should look like or be in the timing that I am hoping for...

What do you think?  If you could ask God for anything, what would it be?   Do you have the faith to believe?

John 11- I Will Choose to Trust

My brother, Curt is hosting a poetry contest and I decided to try and write something about this passage.  This is where Mary and Martha are grieving over the loss of their brother Lazarus and knowing full well that if only Jesus would have been there, he wouldn't have had to die...this was written from the perspective of one of the sisters...

" 'I am the Resurrection and the Life"
So the Master said to me--
Then why did my brother have to die?
These are the questions swarming in my head...
Oh Lord, I choose to trust even when I cannot see...

Does He not see the pain I hold?
My memories of him just aren't enough--
If Jesus could bring sight to the blind,
Then why couldn't He prevent his death?
Oh Lord, I choose to trust even even when things get tough!

I thought He said whoever believes would not die--
I don't understand what happened here.
My head is swimming, this just doesn't seem to make much sense!
Then I saw Him weeping and I knew Jesus loved him too--
Oh Lord, I choose to trust even when things disappear that I hold dear!

Maybe He was talking about eternity...
I do know there is Heaven for those who believe.
Then He came and I wept and He saw my face etched with whys.
He then said Lazarus was just asleep, could it really be?
Oh Lord, I choose to trust even when I grieve...

Why did He wait so long to call my brother forth?
I'll never fully grasp why we had to wait all those days--
But that doesn't matter now--He is alive!
His timing is always perfect--His glory is now revealed!
Oh Lord, I will choose to trust, I will worship You always!"

Unquenchable Fire

This is my prayer....

Unquenchable fire
Consume me I pray...
Take this stubborn will of mine,
And change my heart today.

Unrelenting fire
Please do not grow dim,
for I shall surely fall,
If my eyes should turn from Him.

Oh, Eternal Holy Fire,
Engulf this sin-stained soul,
Replace this darkness with Your light,
And melt this stone to a heart made whole.

Oh, glorious fire,
Stoke the flames that my flesh would die,
And forever through each road I take,
My praise shall reach Your throne on high.

Oh, Holy fire.  Oh, glorious fire.
Oh, Holy fire. The Spirit of the Lord.

One second to Heaven....

So, I was driving down highway 35 on my way to Bigfork.  The speed limit is 70 mph on most of that road.  I got to thinking about how if I took my eyes off the road for a mere moment to adjust the radio or try to pick something up as I drove that at my car going 70 and the oncoming traffic going 70 would equal 140 mph effectively ending in a crash that could wipe me or someone else out.  I don't know why I was thinking about this except as I noted just how close each opposing car was to my own, it seemed like mere inches at times...one slip of the steering wheel, just one wrong move so to speak and it would be all over.  All over.  What would be all over?  Life as I currently know it.  How I relate to those around me, my husband, my son, my brothers, my parents, my friends, my church- would be a shadow, a memory.  This life is truly a vapor as the Bible observes, here today and gone tomorrow.  The life hereafter, I suspect, will be more life like than anything I have ever know thus far- More real than I could have imagined it to be.

I am not afraid to die, well, let me rephrase that-- I am afraid of the process of dying, the physical pain or method of passing from this life to the next and the thought of having to say good bye to those I love and those who may be saddened to see me go...but I am looking forward to that day when I shall see Him face to face.  I cannot wait to shed this body that is saddled with the cares of this world, the pain of a body that sees more and more years added to it and the tears, frustrations, regrets that weigh a soul down.  I am looking toward the day where I shall be truly free in every sense of the word, some days, it cannot come soon enough and yet I know it is in God's perfect time.  I can relate to Paul when he vacillated between staying here and going there.  I see more and more everyday that I long for home, my true home and yet also want to run the race marked out for me well and to be there for those that are important to me.

Yes, while I am here, I need to be all there, present, appreciating every moment and as our Pastor said today- don't miss one moment of the gifts that God has to give everyday.  Don't let the discomforts, the inconveniences or the pain of our life allow us to be blinded to the joys, the fellowship, the natural wonders and gifts of a sunset or a waterfall or simply a spring rain or any other of the myriad of treasures God gives us each day.  What about a friendship, a kind word, laughter, communion with another.  It is so easy to get sidetracked and miss all that God has for us in each moment of our lives...

So, if I have not said how much I appreciate my family, my friends, all those who have encouraged me, took the time for me, believed in me, befriended me, then let me say it now-- thank  you, I do not want anything to be left unsaid before that vapor called my life turns into a fading mist and I am finally reach my home, the home I have spent my life looking towards and waiting for...see you when you get there, what joy unspeakable that will be!!

Sandy Hook Family tribute- Brokenness and Hope

How difficulty to put into words what horrific angst these families are going through- this is my feeble attempt at shedding hope in a very, very dark place of the soul.  Lord, bring comfort to the hurting.  God of all comfort, comfort!

When I heard of the shooting
At Sandy Hook Elementary;
My heart fell to my feet
As I learned of such grave tragedy.

Why would someone do this?
What could the reason be?
We will never know or guess
The meaning of this mystery.

What does one say to a mother
Who has lost her precious son?
The screams and the anguish on her face
Questions: "How can I go on?"

How can we comfort a father
Whose daughter leaves a mournful cry?
Nightmares taunt as sleep envelopes-
Wishing he would die...

We will never really know
What brokenness these souls now carry;
The heartache and the loss
Lives etched forever-- in catastrophe.

But, there is hope beyond the grave
Although the tough walk home seems long;
Our loved ones wait with open arms,
Our memory of them encouraging-- us along.

Although we are left with souls shattered and torn
Reminding us that evil still remains-
Our resolve to love and not to hate is tested
An undying song of hope flickers and sustains.

Good or Better?

My husband and I were talking the other night and the thought that came to me to contemplate is; are we choosing the good or the better?  What do I mean by that?  There are so many things that we can spend our time doing, we all have twenty-four hours in a day and each of us must decide how we are going to spend them...there are a myriad of things we can do in any given moment, too many in fact.  I know when I have a few minutes to do anything I want, there are many times that I really do not know how to use to that time to its fullest advantage.  Should I read a book (oh, then there's the question as to which one), watch a movie, write a poem or a song, play my guitar or the piano, take a nap, clean some corner of the house that has been neglected, take a walk, call a friend, write in my journal, pray, I think you can see what I mean, after all, I am sure that you too have found yourself in this quandary.  Maybe the decision-making process is easier for you than for me, but do you ever feel like if you have chosen one thing that you are now missing out on something else?  The question that I pose again is this?  Am I (or you) choosing the better, among so many "good" things, by good, I mean nothing that is inherently evil or bad, but maybe it is just a distraction from the "best" thing.  Okay, so who decides what is the best thing and even if we think we have chosen the best thing, is it really the best?  How would we ever know?  I know, I know, I'm talking in circles here and I am definitely not trying to be legalistic or put anyone under a load of guilt.  I think I just think of this sometimes because of all the distractions in our world today, particularly in our day and age.  I think of how much simpler life used to be before iPods, cell phones, tablets, computers, and even dishwashers (do we really save time putting dishes in the dishwasher and then taking them all out again rather than just doing them by hand... just thinking out loud).

I am reminded of the scripture where Mary and Martha are in a tiff- Mary is practically demanding our Savior to "tell Mary to help me!"  And how does Jesus respond? "Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her".  What was Mary doing?  She was sitting at Jesus' feet, listening to Him, probably in awe of her master who she was sitting in front of.  What was Martha doing?  Nothing "wrong" per se and yet she had chosen the good in place of the better or best...Is Jesus clueless about all the things that we have to do in a day?  Is He without compassion to our mounds of laundry and loads of dishes?  I don't believe so, I think it was a timing issue- Remember the scripture about not the disciples not needing to fast while their Master was with them.  I think it was a similar case.  I think Martha might have gotten her priorities a little out of whack.  Did she really know who was sitting on her couch, in her very own living room?  I think she meant well too, but she was almost trying so hard that she ended up focusing on the wrong things.  She too could have just sat with Mary at Jesus' feet.  Would they have really gone hungry if she didn't rush up to take care of things?  After all, Jesus IS the bread of life!

This is what we forget so often, that Jesus is the author AND perfecter of our faith.  We cannot live this life for one minute without our Savior!  Sure, it often feels like we are doing it on our own, but the fact is that He gave us the very breath that we are breathing right now!

I want to choose the better.  I think I am mulling this over, not because I will ever have the perfect answer.  I will never get the proverbial "A" on the test called life. The reason I bring this question up is so that maybe I think twice about what I am choosing to do at any given time and maybe I will look to my God who has "my times in His hands" and ask Him what He would like for me to do- to be spirit led and spirit directed in how I use my time and talents.  I want the better even as Mary did.

Being Unoffendable...

Is it really possible to learn not to be offended?  We are so sensitive aren't we?  Why are we so sensitive to offense?  Someone doesn't say just the right thing, at the right time, in the right way and there we go holding an offense or holding a grudge.  Is that really how Christ would walk this earth?  Somehow I don't think so, there were so many people that didn't understand Him or the calling that He had on His life.  So  many people said things that He could've said, "That's it, I'm done with you people."  So many people did things to mock, criticize, and beat Him and what did He do in response, He died for them so that they would have everlasting life!  He said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  Wow!  Can I learn to respond in that way? 

I am reminded of this topic just because I have had so many issues lately with friends that I have felt hurt by and then told them and then they were hurt by me and now we either don't talk or our friendship is strained.  Is it worth it?  When does one be true to themselves and be healthy and say the truth of what is on their mind and when does one let it go and extend grace to the one that hurt?  I was reminded of how much I need the mind and heart of Christ to direct my steps.  Sometimes I step out thinking I am doing the right thing and then it all blows up in my face!  Other times I don't say anything and I think maybe I am just not being true to myself and being a chicken.  The only way to know which one is the right option for that particular situation is to really ask God for wisdom and discernment.  This seems to elude me everytime lately.  Why isn't that my first reaction?  I am also reminded on how we continously hurt each other in our selfishness and sinful nature.  Someone may hurt me at this moment, but just wait a minute and I will probably do the same to them (knowingly or unknowingly- what doesn't seem like a big deal to me ends up being a big deal to them).  Repairing relationships is not an easy task either.  I have felt that.  Everyone involved may say they are sorry, but the words don't get forgotten very easily.  God is the redeemer though and those relationships can be repaired, but at what cost?  The other question I think of is will the relationship go deeper if I say something.  If  all we do is fake that we are okay when we are not, then what?  Don't we have a shallow friendship?  Some friendships can handle it and some cannot.  Some people can handle and some cannot.  Also, how we tell the other person really matters as well. 

But again, I think it goes back to not faking, but truly NOT being offended.  God does not call us to wearing masks of self-protection or masks that portray to others what we are not...He calls us to authenticity, who I am on the inside is who I am on the outside.  Who I am at home is the same as who I am in the world.  What my family says about me is what others would also say about me, that my values remain the same in either place. 

So, how do I not become easily offended?  First, realize that my security is not in how someone else thinks of me.  They can think what they want, but I am loved by my heavenly Father no matter what.  Yes, I believe we are to learn from others and take the constructive criticism as a call to change in some areas, but it should not reach the core of our soul where we go into shame mode because of what the other person said.  Secondly, realize that we are all sinners saved by grace.  We will be hurt and we will hurt others, that is just part of being human and living on this earth.  Thirdly, people hurt often because they are hurting.  They need our love and compassion, not our judgement and rejection.  They are the ones that need love even more!  The ones that are hardest to love are the ones that need even more love to penetrate the walls of hurt. 

If I really know who I am in the Father's eyes, why would I allow something that someone says or does to affect me so gravely?  The real heart of the issue is that we really do not believe that God loves us that much.  We are putting too much stock in what others think because deep down we fear that we are unlovable and defective somehow and when people judge us it brings all those feelings to the fore.  The more we know of the love of God, the more we will truly be able to give it away without  condition!  I want that so much Lord!  Pour out Your love upon me so that it seeps into every crack and crevice of who I am and fills up every void.  I want to walk in such an assurance of Your love that nothing could separate me from Your love (most especially me).  Lord, I want to truly be inoffendable- not just phony.  No just appearing sweet on the outside, but seething on the inside, but truly at peace no matter what!  This would be a miracle, but You are in the business of miracles, please do that miracle  in me!

Our Adoption journey- Part II

Okay, so where was I?  It has been quite a while since I wrote about our adoption journey...how time flies.  Part of the reason I have not had time to write is because of one certain little boy that is now called our son!  The miracle happened and we are proud parents of a blond bundle of energy.

But, let me fill you all in on the details after my husband was laid off.  He was looking for a job for about two months or so and of course, once he had gotten his new job we were put back on the ready and waiting list, that was in February of 2010.  During that time we were pretty disheartened...I remember talking to my brother on his birthday, April 10th and he was asking if we had heard anything about the adoption.  I was pretty discouraged and told him we hadn't.  My husband was gone on a Tres Dias weekend serving and I was home alone for three days- I found myself watching a movie from the library called, "The Business of Being Born" talking about home births, which is definitely nothing I would usually pick out, let alone watch.  Fast forward a few days to Wednesday evening, I was still at work around 5:30 p.m.  Kent was waiting for me in the lobby where I worked at the HomeCare agency as he was on jury duty, he would normally not even be there on that day.  I am working in my office when I get a call from Sheila in Billings, a social worker for Lutheran Social Services.  Anyway, I was very casual and asked her how she was and then what she said next sent my mind and emotions into a tailspin of epic proportion..."We have a baby".  "What", I asked incredously, "We have a baby!"  "No way, no way!", I exclaimed.  I was trying to get myself together for a full five minutes or for eternity, I'm not sure which.  Finally I caught my breath and she continued with the details, "birthmom is 5'9" tall, strawberry blonde...", my thoughts were all jumbled and I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying.  I do remember some of the girls at the office were still at work as well and they kept asking me if everything was okay- once they realized I was getting the call that I had been waiting for they kept asking, "Is it a boy or a girl"..."Is it a boy or a girl".  I never heard that part.  Finally I asked Sheila, "Is it a boy or a girl?"  "It's a boy". "Are you interested", she asked.  "YES!"  The whole thing was surreal, we were talking about when we could pick him up, it was otherworldly.  I hung up the phone and my friend Carrie calls me on my cell phone, "Did you get a call from LSS?"  How does she know, I thought...come to find out they had called her phone number first as her last name is the same as ours...then I'm calling my boss and telling her we are going to Billings on Thursday and will be picking him up on Friday...what a whirlwind.  Mandi brought in a car seat for us to borrow.  I called family and friends.  What was really funny was when I went to our small group at Dave and Susie's and sat in the chair chatting with Dave about computers and Susie was in the back room somewhere.  She comes out and asks me how I'm doing, "Good, REALLY GOOD!"  "Really?"  "Yeah, we're going to have a baby!"  They all screamed and our small group took us to get stuff at Target right then and there (since we had NOTHING!"  They spent well over $100 getting us outfitted for our trip to Billings with baby garb-

I will leave you here for now...stay tuned as I tell of our two days in Billings getting ready to meet our son...

Sex Trafficking Around the World

I watched a movie the other day that was both mesmerizing and disturbing.  I could not tear my eyes away from the screen as I sat wide-eye in astonishment at how dark the underworld is.

The story started out with three girls/women from various parts of the world including the Ukraine, the Czech Republic and one little girl visiting the Philipines with her family.  One was wooed by a very handsome man who appeared to want to date her- a woman of probably thirty or so that had a six-year-old daughter.  She was hesitant to date him and ultimately fell for him.  They took a trip to Vienna and she found herself in a hellish nightmare that she could have never dreamed herself.  Her name, Helena.  She was brought to an amazing mansion and brought up a flight of stairs that looked like they belonged at the Governor's mansion, but ended up in a horrific stairway to Hell itself.  She was beaten, raped and other girls in obvious pain and humiliation sat in utter despair and stared blankly at the abuse occurring before them.

The girl in Manila was wooed to a young boy on a bicycle.  He looked innocent enough....she went over to him while she and her mom were shopping in an outside market...just as she got close, a small truck sped up and grabbed her and put her in the back...

And the third was again humiliated beyond what would seem humanly possible and after much pain for who knows how long, it appeared that she would be able to get out of it with some help, but instead murdered by the "pimp" who was using her to make money hand over fist.

It is all pure and simple evil to the core and why is it taking place?  Because there is a market for it!!  I cannot fathom the people who would do this, knowing the evil that is behind it.  If there were no market, this horrendous abuse of women and children would have to STOP!