Life through Loss...

I wonder what it is like...to feel the movement of life in one's womb?  Though I have a son, I will never know...there are times when I see a pregnant woman or hear someone tell of their pregnancy or how they feel the baby kick or move and I have a moment of sadness, of loss...

I remember when I was a girl, my mother told of how hard giving birth was, the pain of it.  Honestly, I was scared to death and thought to myself that I never wanted to give birth, but would adopt...and here I am having done just that...adopted and not given birth...

I am grateful for our son...no matter how he came to us.  God has His ways.  Lately though I have thought about the real privilege it is to be a part of what God is doing...to have a part in conception and forming life....only once did God choice immaculate conception...His preferred method is the cooperation of his children to participate in the miracle of conception and birth.  Women are the only ones that get to experience life inside them, in their core and giving life and nurturing life is a huge part of their (our) calling.  Though I have not given life through my physical body; I have given life through the process of adoption...that process did not include nausea and vomiting and morning sickness or feeling the baby move; but it was a long, uphill climb kind of process that took an immense faith to believe that we would have a baby at the end...and we did give "birth" so to speak.  It was painful. It was hard.  It was nerve-wracking...but in the end a baby was born and he was to become our long-awaited son!  

Yes, I'll never know why I didn't get to experience the miracle of birth in the traditional way until eternity and yes, there will always be a loss there....experiencing loss is just part of living on this earth.  But, I have the opportunity to nurture a little boy that I get to call my son and that is no less a miracle!  And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity of being Mom to Josiah!

He is Faithful...more of our adoption journey...

The wait continues, excrutiatingly...years have and are going by. We began our second adoption process in January 2011, Josiah turns five on April 10th.  We wonder where God is in the middle of this and what He is up to....We see teens having babies without any trouble, families easily getting pregnant and even knowing there are abortions happening every day whille we long for a little boy or girl.  There is no making sense out of the senseless...there is only trust in a God who knows way more than we do and that is not always easy, it is a moment by moment walk.  

So, a couple of weeks ago were called by the social worker on a Saturday (An unusual occurence to be called on the weekend).  She was passing through Great Falls and met with a birthmother and wanted to know if she could show her our profile...on our PPDS data sheet we chose to not be shown to birthmother's wh have been on drugs...well, this birthmother had used meth for her first trimester...Normallly, we would not even be called about this siutation, but because we are now officially the longest waiting couple the SW asked usi if she could call us each time there was a birthmother even if she did not match our PPDS.  Of course, we said yes.  There are only eight couples waiting at this point because there have been such few adoptions and LSS was trying to get us all placed more quickly, but they said they are going to have to add more potential adoptivce parents to the waiting list now.  

It struck me how most people are not put in this situation...their lives hanging in the balance with a momentous decision such as this....do we accept a crack or meth baby?  Apparenttly the cause and effect of a meth baby is not defiinitiviely correlated...in other words, no one really knows.  A lot depends on what parts of the baby are being devceloped at the time of the drug use.  The first trimester is when the tiny body parts are being formed...so supposedly it can affect those parts the most.  

Part of me becomes a bit self-righteous maybe, that here we are; never took drugs, rarely drink and we are having to decide whether or not we will take drug addicted babies or potential fetal alcohol babies...and yet, these babies need moms and dads too...they need the love of a family and to learn and know of the love of God too...

It is a scary proposition to embark on this course....will we be dealing with learning disabilities, depressed or hyper kids, some kind of deformities or disabilities?  Who knows what these drugs can do to a little fetus in utero?  Do we say yes to the unknown?  Are we listening to the spirit throughout this whole process?  Are we just afraid?  Are we responding in faith or fear?  We need God's wisdom and intervention throughout this whole process, only He knows and He can give us the peace through any situation if we know we are following Him through it all...

In the end, she chose another profile and our profile was never shown as the SW had called us and we were not available initially...we weren't chosen, again...But, God knows all there is to know.  He understands the situation.  He knows what we can handle and what we cannot...and in the end, His will will be done!  He is faithful through it all even in the midst of our pain, our wavering hearts, and our questioning souls...He is faithful, yes, He IS faithful!

"Closure"

I just finished watching a documentary about a girl named Angela.  What a beautiful girl, both sweet and strong.  This is her story about her journey finding her birthmother and birthfather.  She was looking for closure.  This struck a chord with me...from several very different angles.  The first and most obvious is that of our son...who is adopted.  He was adopted at six days old.  I am reminded of the importance and great meaning it is to send letters with updates and pictures to the adoption agency so that the birthmother can, if she wishes, be comforted that their child is well cared for.  The loss a birthmother feels is great, beyond words...the secrets that she holds for years, decades even and the sadness and grief she carries, alone...

I felt the initial fear of the adoptive mother when her daughter wanted to embark on searching for her birthparents and yet the reassurance that we as adoptive parents cannot be replaced.  We hold a special place in the heart of our child and always will so we can be free to allow our children to do what they need to do and to support them in that endeavor; a search for peace, for understanding.  That they would know their roots, where they came from; the cloth they were made from.  It's natural for us to want to know who we look like, what our story is generationally; our heritage...

I think of our our son and how he may have brothers and sisters, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles...all a piece of him and he, a part of them...

One comment that was made by Angela's sister after they had just connected, was "What kind of a woman would I be if I had had a sister to go through life with"...this hit me...deeply....

My sister Jackie died when I was four-years-old.  I miss her so much sometimes and it seems I miss her even more now than ever.  What would I have been like if I had a sister to love, to fight with, to share secrets with?  I would be a different person today, no doubt...maybe less reserved...less fearful of sharing who I am with others...more affectionate.  So many memories we could share and so many struggles that she would understand.  Of course, these are all dreams...who knows how it all would've turned out...but the dream haunts me  today.  The loss of her in my life, in my journey not to mention the loss of my grandmother as well.  How can one miss those they haven't seen or remember so deeply?  As I get older, I think of them more and more and long to have long talks about life and how it has turned out and how I wish they could have been a part of my story over the last forty-four years before they left this earth.  Maybe many things would make sense...

I also think about how I lost my mother in so many ways too...just like Angela lost her birthmother; yet she had an adoptive mother who loves her and supports her.   My heart is broken over a loss that I just have no clue how to "fix"...I grieve over this so much...how I wish the clock could be turned back and life's picture could be painted again...a little touch up here, a major revision there....this painting seems so bleak; all color is lost.  

How I long for closure too...