Unquenchable Fire

This is my prayer....

Unquenchable fire
Consume me I pray...
Take this stubborn will of mine,
And change my heart today.

Unrelenting fire
Please do not grow dim,
for I shall surely fall,
If my eyes should turn from Him.

Oh, Eternal Holy Fire,
Engulf this sin-stained soul,
Replace this darkness with Your light,
And melt this stone to a heart made whole.

Oh, glorious fire,
Stoke the flames that my flesh would die,
And forever through each road I take,
My praise shall reach Your throne on high.

Oh, Holy fire.  Oh, glorious fire.
Oh, Holy fire. The Spirit of the Lord.

One second to Heaven....

So, I was driving down highway 35 on my way to Bigfork.  The speed limit is 70 mph on most of that road.  I got to thinking about how if I took my eyes off the road for a mere moment to adjust the radio or try to pick something up as I drove that at my car going 70 and the oncoming traffic going 70 would equal 140 mph effectively ending in a crash that could wipe me or someone else out.  I don't know why I was thinking about this except as I noted just how close each opposing car was to my own, it seemed like mere inches at times...one slip of the steering wheel, just one wrong move so to speak and it would be all over.  All over.  What would be all over?  Life as I currently know it.  How I relate to those around me, my husband, my son, my brothers, my parents, my friends, my church- would be a shadow, a memory.  This life is truly a vapor as the Bible observes, here today and gone tomorrow.  The life hereafter, I suspect, will be more life like than anything I have ever know thus far- More real than I could have imagined it to be.

I am not afraid to die, well, let me rephrase that-- I am afraid of the process of dying, the physical pain or method of passing from this life to the next and the thought of having to say good bye to those I love and those who may be saddened to see me go...but I am looking forward to that day when I shall see Him face to face.  I cannot wait to shed this body that is saddled with the cares of this world, the pain of a body that sees more and more years added to it and the tears, frustrations, regrets that weigh a soul down.  I am looking toward the day where I shall be truly free in every sense of the word, some days, it cannot come soon enough and yet I know it is in God's perfect time.  I can relate to Paul when he vacillated between staying here and going there.  I see more and more everyday that I long for home, my true home and yet also want to run the race marked out for me well and to be there for those that are important to me.

Yes, while I am here, I need to be all there, present, appreciating every moment and as our Pastor said today- don't miss one moment of the gifts that God has to give everyday.  Don't let the discomforts, the inconveniences or the pain of our life allow us to be blinded to the joys, the fellowship, the natural wonders and gifts of a sunset or a waterfall or simply a spring rain or any other of the myriad of treasures God gives us each day.  What about a friendship, a kind word, laughter, communion with another.  It is so easy to get sidetracked and miss all that God has for us in each moment of our lives...

So, if I have not said how much I appreciate my family, my friends, all those who have encouraged me, took the time for me, believed in me, befriended me, then let me say it now-- thank  you, I do not want anything to be left unsaid before that vapor called my life turns into a fading mist and I am finally reach my home, the home I have spent my life looking towards and waiting for...see you when you get there, what joy unspeakable that will be!!

Sandy Hook Family tribute- Brokenness and Hope

How difficulty to put into words what horrific angst these families are going through- this is my feeble attempt at shedding hope in a very, very dark place of the soul.  Lord, bring comfort to the hurting.  God of all comfort, comfort!

When I heard of the shooting
At Sandy Hook Elementary;
My heart fell to my feet
As I learned of such grave tragedy.

Why would someone do this?
What could the reason be?
We will never know or guess
The meaning of this mystery.

What does one say to a mother
Who has lost her precious son?
The screams and the anguish on her face
Questions: "How can I go on?"

How can we comfort a father
Whose daughter leaves a mournful cry?
Nightmares taunt as sleep envelopes-
Wishing he would die...

We will never really know
What brokenness these souls now carry;
The heartache and the loss
Lives etched forever-- in catastrophe.

But, there is hope beyond the grave
Although the tough walk home seems long;
Our loved ones wait with open arms,
Our memory of them encouraging-- us along.

Although we are left with souls shattered and torn
Reminding us that evil still remains-
Our resolve to love and not to hate is tested
An undying song of hope flickers and sustains.

Good or Better?

My husband and I were talking the other night and the thought that came to me to contemplate is; are we choosing the good or the better?  What do I mean by that?  There are so many things that we can spend our time doing, we all have twenty-four hours in a day and each of us must decide how we are going to spend them...there are a myriad of things we can do in any given moment, too many in fact.  I know when I have a few minutes to do anything I want, there are many times that I really do not know how to use to that time to its fullest advantage.  Should I read a book (oh, then there's the question as to which one), watch a movie, write a poem or a song, play my guitar or the piano, take a nap, clean some corner of the house that has been neglected, take a walk, call a friend, write in my journal, pray, I think you can see what I mean, after all, I am sure that you too have found yourself in this quandary.  Maybe the decision-making process is easier for you than for me, but do you ever feel like if you have chosen one thing that you are now missing out on something else?  The question that I pose again is this?  Am I (or you) choosing the better, among so many "good" things, by good, I mean nothing that is inherently evil or bad, but maybe it is just a distraction from the "best" thing.  Okay, so who decides what is the best thing and even if we think we have chosen the best thing, is it really the best?  How would we ever know?  I know, I know, I'm talking in circles here and I am definitely not trying to be legalistic or put anyone under a load of guilt.  I think I just think of this sometimes because of all the distractions in our world today, particularly in our day and age.  I think of how much simpler life used to be before iPods, cell phones, tablets, computers, and even dishwashers (do we really save time putting dishes in the dishwasher and then taking them all out again rather than just doing them by hand... just thinking out loud).

I am reminded of the scripture where Mary and Martha are in a tiff- Mary is practically demanding our Savior to "tell Mary to help me!"  And how does Jesus respond? "Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her".  What was Mary doing?  She was sitting at Jesus' feet, listening to Him, probably in awe of her master who she was sitting in front of.  What was Martha doing?  Nothing "wrong" per se and yet she had chosen the good in place of the better or best...Is Jesus clueless about all the things that we have to do in a day?  Is He without compassion to our mounds of laundry and loads of dishes?  I don't believe so, I think it was a timing issue- Remember the scripture about not the disciples not needing to fast while their Master was with them.  I think it was a similar case.  I think Martha might have gotten her priorities a little out of whack.  Did she really know who was sitting on her couch, in her very own living room?  I think she meant well too, but she was almost trying so hard that she ended up focusing on the wrong things.  She too could have just sat with Mary at Jesus' feet.  Would they have really gone hungry if she didn't rush up to take care of things?  After all, Jesus IS the bread of life!

This is what we forget so often, that Jesus is the author AND perfecter of our faith.  We cannot live this life for one minute without our Savior!  Sure, it often feels like we are doing it on our own, but the fact is that He gave us the very breath that we are breathing right now!

I want to choose the better.  I think I am mulling this over, not because I will ever have the perfect answer.  I will never get the proverbial "A" on the test called life. The reason I bring this question up is so that maybe I think twice about what I am choosing to do at any given time and maybe I will look to my God who has "my times in His hands" and ask Him what He would like for me to do- to be spirit led and spirit directed in how I use my time and talents.  I want the better even as Mary did.

Being Unoffendable...

Is it really possible to learn not to be offended?  We are so sensitive aren't we?  Why are we so sensitive to offense?  Someone doesn't say just the right thing, at the right time, in the right way and there we go holding an offense or holding a grudge.  Is that really how Christ would walk this earth?  Somehow I don't think so, there were so many people that didn't understand Him or the calling that He had on His life.  So  many people said things that He could've said, "That's it, I'm done with you people."  So many people did things to mock, criticize, and beat Him and what did He do in response, He died for them so that they would have everlasting life!  He said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."  Wow!  Can I learn to respond in that way? 

I am reminded of this topic just because I have had so many issues lately with friends that I have felt hurt by and then told them and then they were hurt by me and now we either don't talk or our friendship is strained.  Is it worth it?  When does one be true to themselves and be healthy and say the truth of what is on their mind and when does one let it go and extend grace to the one that hurt?  I was reminded of how much I need the mind and heart of Christ to direct my steps.  Sometimes I step out thinking I am doing the right thing and then it all blows up in my face!  Other times I don't say anything and I think maybe I am just not being true to myself and being a chicken.  The only way to know which one is the right option for that particular situation is to really ask God for wisdom and discernment.  This seems to elude me everytime lately.  Why isn't that my first reaction?  I am also reminded on how we continously hurt each other in our selfishness and sinful nature.  Someone may hurt me at this moment, but just wait a minute and I will probably do the same to them (knowingly or unknowingly- what doesn't seem like a big deal to me ends up being a big deal to them).  Repairing relationships is not an easy task either.  I have felt that.  Everyone involved may say they are sorry, but the words don't get forgotten very easily.  God is the redeemer though and those relationships can be repaired, but at what cost?  The other question I think of is will the relationship go deeper if I say something.  If  all we do is fake that we are okay when we are not, then what?  Don't we have a shallow friendship?  Some friendships can handle it and some cannot.  Some people can handle and some cannot.  Also, how we tell the other person really matters as well. 

But again, I think it goes back to not faking, but truly NOT being offended.  God does not call us to wearing masks of self-protection or masks that portray to others what we are not...He calls us to authenticity, who I am on the inside is who I am on the outside.  Who I am at home is the same as who I am in the world.  What my family says about me is what others would also say about me, that my values remain the same in either place. 

So, how do I not become easily offended?  First, realize that my security is not in how someone else thinks of me.  They can think what they want, but I am loved by my heavenly Father no matter what.  Yes, I believe we are to learn from others and take the constructive criticism as a call to change in some areas, but it should not reach the core of our soul where we go into shame mode because of what the other person said.  Secondly, realize that we are all sinners saved by grace.  We will be hurt and we will hurt others, that is just part of being human and living on this earth.  Thirdly, people hurt often because they are hurting.  They need our love and compassion, not our judgement and rejection.  They are the ones that need love even more!  The ones that are hardest to love are the ones that need even more love to penetrate the walls of hurt. 

If I really know who I am in the Father's eyes, why would I allow something that someone says or does to affect me so gravely?  The real heart of the issue is that we really do not believe that God loves us that much.  We are putting too much stock in what others think because deep down we fear that we are unlovable and defective somehow and when people judge us it brings all those feelings to the fore.  The more we know of the love of God, the more we will truly be able to give it away without  condition!  I want that so much Lord!  Pour out Your love upon me so that it seeps into every crack and crevice of who I am and fills up every void.  I want to walk in such an assurance of Your love that nothing could separate me from Your love (most especially me).  Lord, I want to truly be inoffendable- not just phony.  No just appearing sweet on the outside, but seething on the inside, but truly at peace no matter what!  This would be a miracle, but You are in the business of miracles, please do that miracle  in me!

Our Adoption journey- Part II

Okay, so where was I?  It has been quite a while since I wrote about our adoption journey...how time flies.  Part of the reason I have not had time to write is because of one certain little boy that is now called our son!  The miracle happened and we are proud parents of a blond bundle of energy.

But, let me fill you all in on the details after my husband was laid off.  He was looking for a job for about two months or so and of course, once he had gotten his new job we were put back on the ready and waiting list, that was in February of 2010.  During that time we were pretty disheartened...I remember talking to my brother on his birthday, April 10th and he was asking if we had heard anything about the adoption.  I was pretty discouraged and told him we hadn't.  My husband was gone on a Tres Dias weekend serving and I was home alone for three days- I found myself watching a movie from the library called, "The Business of Being Born" talking about home births, which is definitely nothing I would usually pick out, let alone watch.  Fast forward a few days to Wednesday evening, I was still at work around 5:30 p.m.  Kent was waiting for me in the lobby where I worked at the HomeCare agency as he was on jury duty, he would normally not even be there on that day.  I am working in my office when I get a call from Sheila in Billings, a social worker for Lutheran Social Services.  Anyway, I was very casual and asked her how she was and then what she said next sent my mind and emotions into a tailspin of epic proportion..."We have a baby".  "What", I asked incredously, "We have a baby!"  "No way, no way!", I exclaimed.  I was trying to get myself together for a full five minutes or for eternity, I'm not sure which.  Finally I caught my breath and she continued with the details, "birthmom is 5'9" tall, strawberry blonde...", my thoughts were all jumbled and I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying.  I do remember some of the girls at the office were still at work as well and they kept asking me if everything was okay- once they realized I was getting the call that I had been waiting for they kept asking, "Is it a boy or a girl"..."Is it a boy or a girl".  I never heard that part.  Finally I asked Sheila, "Is it a boy or a girl?"  "It's a boy". "Are you interested", she asked.  "YES!"  The whole thing was surreal, we were talking about when we could pick him up, it was otherworldly.  I hung up the phone and my friend Carrie calls me on my cell phone, "Did you get a call from LSS?"  How does she know, I thought...come to find out they had called her phone number first as her last name is the same as ours...then I'm calling my boss and telling her we are going to Billings on Thursday and will be picking him up on Friday...what a whirlwind.  Mandi brought in a car seat for us to borrow.  I called family and friends.  What was really funny was when I went to our small group at Dave and Susie's and sat in the chair chatting with Dave about computers and Susie was in the back room somewhere.  She comes out and asks me how I'm doing, "Good, REALLY GOOD!"  "Really?"  "Yeah, we're going to have a baby!"  They all screamed and our small group took us to get stuff at Target right then and there (since we had NOTHING!"  They spent well over $100 getting us outfitted for our trip to Billings with baby garb-

I will leave you here for now...stay tuned as I tell of our two days in Billings getting ready to meet our son...

Sex Trafficking Around the World

I watched a movie the other day that was both mesmerizing and disturbing.  I could not tear my eyes away from the screen as I sat wide-eye in astonishment at how dark the underworld is.

The story started out with three girls/women from various parts of the world including the Ukraine, the Czech Republic and one little girl visiting the Philipines with her family.  One was wooed by a very handsome man who appeared to want to date her- a woman of probably thirty or so that had a six-year-old daughter.  She was hesitant to date him and ultimately fell for him.  They took a trip to Vienna and she found herself in a hellish nightmare that she could have never dreamed herself.  Her name, Helena.  She was brought to an amazing mansion and brought up a flight of stairs that looked like they belonged at the Governor's mansion, but ended up in a horrific stairway to Hell itself.  She was beaten, raped and other girls in obvious pain and humiliation sat in utter despair and stared blankly at the abuse occurring before them.

The girl in Manila was wooed to a young boy on a bicycle.  He looked innocent enough....she went over to him while she and her mom were shopping in an outside market...just as she got close, a small truck sped up and grabbed her and put her in the back...

And the third was again humiliated beyond what would seem humanly possible and after much pain for who knows how long, it appeared that she would be able to get out of it with some help, but instead murdered by the "pimp" who was using her to make money hand over fist.

It is all pure and simple evil to the core and why is it taking place?  Because there is a market for it!!  I cannot fathom the people who would do this, knowing the evil that is behind it.  If there were no market, this horrendous abuse of women and children would have to STOP!