Did you know that I am a diamond? Most of the time I may not look like it, act like it, or shine like it, but I am nonetheless. Most of the time I do not even know it or see it myself, but there are those...yes, those that do and that gives me hope.
My friends often have to remind me of what I cannot see myself, they are true friends. My husband says he believes in me even when I feel like I have failed him repeatedly. My creator reminds me of the plans that He has for me and "sticks closer than a brother."
Most of the time I feel like a dull, lifeless, lump of black carbon coal. Not much to look at. One that fades into the background. One that is hardly noticeable to anyone....
But, there is one that sees me. Truly sees me. He sees past the black to the amazing brilliance that reflects all the colors of the rainbow when light hits me. He sees the multifaceted edges and realizes that all He needs to do is to lovingly polish, turn up the heat in just the right amounts and at just the right times and the beauty of it's radiance will dazzle and sparkle all the way to heaven and back. He takes the time to see the potential and get to work so that this little insignificant piece of carbon will be transformed into one who reflects all the brilliance of it's creator.
Do I trust this master craftsman to do only what is needful and no more? It's not easy to trust when it hurts, when the heat is getting turned up and I lose sight of the goal. It's not easy, but, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness, when you are weak, I am strong." Wow! I want to go all the way...all the way from a diamond in the rough to a gleaming gem that sparkles with the creator's purity and beauty!
So much of it is about trust...do I trust myself to reveal the authentic me? Will they like me if they see all the different shades and nuances of me? We are multi-faceted, just like a diamond that is cut to show the brilliance of what we are made of when the light reflects...sometimes I feel more like a chunk of carbon coal, not really brilliant at all, but, if someone takes the time to polish me off and see beyond the obvious and see the potential that I can become and loves me to a greater level of brilliance, that is a true friend...I have one that "never leaves me or forsakes me" and He sees me in my weakness and fraility and says, "My power is made perfect through your weakness!" I like the sounds of that...will I extend this gift to another? In those I love, when they are exhibiting their weaknesses, their frailities, maybe even their blackness...will I see the diamond that they are...covered by the black dust of this earth and choose to love? I cannot do this on my own, but I know someone who can through me...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Because You Believed What You Heard!
Gen 15:6- Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness. Romans 9:16 says, "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." and Galatians 2:16, "...by observing the law no one will be justified."
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
The Door of My Heart
What does the door of your heart look like? I mean what is it made of? Is it wood? Is it more like a half door where the top swings open? Is it ornate or plain? Is it locked or is it more like a screen door that everyone can see in? I think it can change with the different seasons of our lives, don't you? Sometimes the door of my heart is locked up tighter than a drum and at other times the screen door is left wide open to allow the cool breezes to waft in freely. Some days I see people I know from church or work and my heart is open and wants to talk and catch up, see how they're doing when I pass them in the grocery store aisle and other times I find myself pretending like I didn't see them and running into the next aisle to avoid them at all costs, my heart is tired, worn out, introspective and closed to any visitors. Sometimes I don't feel too good about myself and all I want to do is hide- maybe it's my bad hair day or I am in a hurry to get home to get dinner on the table or maybe I am feeling unloved or ashamed of who I am...there can be so many different reasons, all crowding in at once with no real understanding of what is going on in my heart.
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
What is driving me?
I behaved very badly tonight with my husband...I became very frustrated with him because, according to me, he procrastinated on something that I thought was very important and needed to be dealt with much more quickly...I tried to bully him with my words. I tried to railroad him into thinking like me. I tried to convince him that my way of thinking was right and I tried to make him feel bad for the way he was doing it in order to get him to do it my way....Yikes! This is not grace...this is called intimidation.
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
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