I was single for a very long time...I got married when I was 38-years-old. I really struggled with being single for a long time and was excited to finally be married. I have now been married for over five years...and through most of those short years, I have struggled on the other side of my marital status. Who would've thought marriage could be so hard? Maybe it's because I have lived by myself for so long, I have been very independent. It's not so much the independent issue that seems to be the difficulty though. It is as the Bible talks about in Genesis, "you will want control over your husband." Yikes! Did I say that out loud? I have a tendency to want to make him do everything the way I do it, because I think my way is right...if I didn't think that, I wouldn't be doing it that way, right?...I had no way of knowing what I would be like married until I got married...but I guess I should've known that I would be somewhat of a control freak. I like everything in it's spot. I am a very methodical person. I do things with very particular reasons for doing them the way I do them, and things that my husband does or doesn't do just do not make sense to me.
Like, the other day, he made his lunch and he put his 'naked' sandwich right into his lunchpail without being in a baggie, I wouldn'd dream of such things. Silly, huh? Why am I sweating the small stuff? I wanted so badly to put it in a baggie and go on and on about it for ever, but this time at least, I let it go...you can see I am still appalled about it though, as I am now bringing it up once again. Why does it bother me? It's not my sandwich...I really don't understand it myself.
Proverbs 14:1 says that "a wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I feel so convicted...I major on the minors all the time. The thought occurred to me today that I need to know how to build up my son as well, I need to learn how to build up my husband and that will help my son as well.
It's all about the words submission and respect. That is what the word of God calls us to do as wives. That is what our husbands need. I realized today how I have failed terribly in this area and I was undone. I realized that I was so afraid to put myself in the "power" of someone else, but realized too, that I am not in my husband's hands so much as I am in my Heavenly Father's hands. I do not like the idea of submitting. Of course, I do it everyday without a thought...why is it so much harder to submit to my husband than the rules of the road, or my boss at work, or the government, etcetera? Why does he garner so much less respect than the man down the street that doesn't have to put up with me everyday? It really does not make sense why we kick against this concept in our marriages, but don't have a problem with it elsewhere in our lives.
God knows how this marriage thing is to work, after all, it is His idea. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight."
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Women of Beauty
I just came back from a Bible study by Beth Moore on "Believing God". The thing that struck me tonight even before we got into the video portion of our Bible study was the seven woman that surrounded me there as we sat in a circle. Each one stunningly beautiful! it was their outsides as seen in their eyes and their smiles, their sweet spirits. Each one in a different place or season in their life. Each one at different ages. Each one with something to bring to the others. Their honesty, their heart, their encouragement for the others. Each one listening to the others with rapt interest. Each one sharing from their hearts. Each one authentic.
Some of the questions we talked about? Where do you go when you are stressed? We used a bike for an analogy...do you ride your bike home and say "no more"? Do you careen down the hill like a bat out of hell to race away from the difficulties and the pain? Do you hide under the covers and hope it will all go away? Do you yell and scream at the ones you love because they will take it? Do you talk things out in a sensible manner and then everything is okay? What movie would your life parallel? Which character is most like you and why? Which one of the seven dwarfs are you? It sort of sounds silly to relay these things, but it was cool. It was connection. It was getting past the facades that we all carry and allowing others to see us for who we really are. We so need that in our world today. To be known. To be understood. To be loved for who we are and for who are not.
I looked at each woman there...many, many different life experiences represented there. Much wisdom. Much pain. Big hearts. One lost her son when he was seventeen years old. Another is going through putting her husband in a home due to his violence after declining very quickly with Alzheimer's and another's mother's companion just commit suicide at 72 last week. Still another just had a baby several months ago and another just adopted a baby almost a year ago.
I was amazed at the beauty...both inside and out. I was amazed by the poignant questions and the funny, heart wrenching, and heart felt answers. Each one was beautiful and each one showed different measures of grace. Of concern. Of wanting to go deeper and understand each other, ourselves and our God.
I left with the hope that I too can be full of love like that. Full of grace to offer to not just some, but all, freely as God does. I left with the desire to understand my God better and to see His beauty even more. To open my heart and not just observe from the outside, not be afraid to enter, even if it means getting hurt. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Tennyson.
We are all unique and yet we have so much in common if we take the time to look. We are all human at our core with many of the same needs, the same insecurities, the same frustrations, the same need to understand and be understood. The same need to be accepted and loved.
I want to be who I really am without pretense, without shame, without apology. I want to share my authentic self and not be afraid to tell you who I really am out of fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being understood. Fear of failure of not meeting up to your expectations. I want to be a gracious woman who loves hugely, who believes wholeheartedly, who is without pretension, who seeks to encourage and affirm, who fails and yet is able to forget others failures and forgive. One who is without guile. One who is approachable, warm, and light hearted. One who can laugh and then cry without apology. One who is who she says she is. These women inspire me and encourage me. Yes, I want to join the ranks of these beautiful women. I want to be a woman of beauty!
Some of the questions we talked about? Where do you go when you are stressed? We used a bike for an analogy...do you ride your bike home and say "no more"? Do you careen down the hill like a bat out of hell to race away from the difficulties and the pain? Do you hide under the covers and hope it will all go away? Do you yell and scream at the ones you love because they will take it? Do you talk things out in a sensible manner and then everything is okay? What movie would your life parallel? Which character is most like you and why? Which one of the seven dwarfs are you? It sort of sounds silly to relay these things, but it was cool. It was connection. It was getting past the facades that we all carry and allowing others to see us for who we really are. We so need that in our world today. To be known. To be understood. To be loved for who we are and for who are not.
I looked at each woman there...many, many different life experiences represented there. Much wisdom. Much pain. Big hearts. One lost her son when he was seventeen years old. Another is going through putting her husband in a home due to his violence after declining very quickly with Alzheimer's and another's mother's companion just commit suicide at 72 last week. Still another just had a baby several months ago and another just adopted a baby almost a year ago.
I was amazed at the beauty...both inside and out. I was amazed by the poignant questions and the funny, heart wrenching, and heart felt answers. Each one was beautiful and each one showed different measures of grace. Of concern. Of wanting to go deeper and understand each other, ourselves and our God.
I left with the hope that I too can be full of love like that. Full of grace to offer to not just some, but all, freely as God does. I left with the desire to understand my God better and to see His beauty even more. To open my heart and not just observe from the outside, not be afraid to enter, even if it means getting hurt. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Tennyson.
We are all unique and yet we have so much in common if we take the time to look. We are all human at our core with many of the same needs, the same insecurities, the same frustrations, the same need to understand and be understood. The same need to be accepted and loved.
I want to be who I really am without pretense, without shame, without apology. I want to share my authentic self and not be afraid to tell you who I really am out of fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being understood. Fear of failure of not meeting up to your expectations. I want to be a gracious woman who loves hugely, who believes wholeheartedly, who is without pretension, who seeks to encourage and affirm, who fails and yet is able to forget others failures and forgive. One who is without guile. One who is approachable, warm, and light hearted. One who can laugh and then cry without apology. One who is who she says she is. These women inspire me and encourage me. Yes, I want to join the ranks of these beautiful women. I want to be a woman of beauty!
Monday, March 7, 2011
What Is My Reward?
What do we really think God means when He says, "He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him?" What is that reward? What would I like it to be? We all have our ideas of what we would like if we follow God, if we are "good". You know what I mean..."I've been a good christian, why doesn't God give me this job promotion that I want?" "I've saved myself all these years for my spouse, why does our marriage have to have trouble?" or "I've obeyed God in tithing, why are we struggling financially?" We ask so many questions because in our minds when we do what God says we feel that He owes us some things to make our life easier or more comfortable. When God talks about rewarding those that diligiently seek Him, He is saying that He will reward us with His presence. What greater reward can be found than to have God's very presence with us? Do we really believe that that is the best reward I can get? Do we really even want that reward, is it enough? Or do we need God's presence plus all these other things that we think we need or want?
Lord, I admit that there have been many times that I have not been convinced that You are enough...I want that to be true in my life though...reveal the truth to me. If you won't go with me, then I will not go.
Pastor Don reminded me again yesterday of one of my favorite quotes, "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still." Betsy Ten Boom said this while she was in a German prison camp for the Jews. Talk about the degradation, sorrow, and heart break she endured.
We do not measure the goodness of God by our experierences- He is good all the time even when we cannot see it. Even when we are not convinced of it.
Knowing God is the reward! The only difference between me and someone else, is the presence of God in my life and that is not my own doing so that I cannot boast! It would do us well to remember who makes us who we are in the first place.
"The earth is full of burning bushes for those that have eyes to see; everyone else is picking berries." Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Lord, open my eyes to see beyond what my temporal eyes can see...I want to see into the spirit...to see the burning bushes of meeting with you so that I can experience you more intimately, more deeply, more fully now and in eternity.
Lord, I admit that there have been many times that I have not been convinced that You are enough...I want that to be true in my life though...reveal the truth to me. If you won't go with me, then I will not go.
Pastor Don reminded me again yesterday of one of my favorite quotes, "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still." Betsy Ten Boom said this while she was in a German prison camp for the Jews. Talk about the degradation, sorrow, and heart break she endured.
We do not measure the goodness of God by our experierences- He is good all the time even when we cannot see it. Even when we are not convinced of it.
Knowing God is the reward! The only difference between me and someone else, is the presence of God in my life and that is not my own doing so that I cannot boast! It would do us well to remember who makes us who we are in the first place.
"The earth is full of burning bushes for those that have eyes to see; everyone else is picking berries." Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Lord, open my eyes to see beyond what my temporal eyes can see...I want to see into the spirit...to see the burning bushes of meeting with you so that I can experience you more intimately, more deeply, more fully now and in eternity.
My Divinely Dreamy Dad
My dad says that He loves me with an everlasting love...He says He will never leave me or forsake me...He says He is for me and not against me...He says He knows the plans He has for me, to prosper me and not to harm me to give me a future and a hope...that He created me, that I was not hidden from Him...He says that what is evil He means for good!
These are only a fraction of His thoughts towards me. If I would believe fully in the core of my being even just a few of these truths how my life would change, how my response to those around me would change as I lived fully out of that love.
Most of us can identify with an imperfect earthly dad. Our heavenly father is not like any other dad. He is not like our dad or anyone's else's. He is more perfect, more loving, mo' betta' than the best dad that we have ever met...will we choose to believe that He is who He says He is? Will we choose to believe that He can do what He says He can do? He is fully trustworthy. There is no dad on the face of this planet that is more divine, more dreamy, than our heavenly dad. I will choose to trust Him and to rest in Him- He can handle whatever I am going through. He can handle my questions, my doubts, my fears. He can take whatever I can dish out in my sorrow and anguish. He wants what is in my heart- everything. He can take ashes and bring forth beauty everytime. Now that is a dream dad for sure!
These are only a fraction of His thoughts towards me. If I would believe fully in the core of my being even just a few of these truths how my life would change, how my response to those around me would change as I lived fully out of that love.
Most of us can identify with an imperfect earthly dad. Our heavenly father is not like any other dad. He is not like our dad or anyone's else's. He is more perfect, more loving, mo' betta' than the best dad that we have ever met...will we choose to believe that He is who He says He is? Will we choose to believe that He can do what He says He can do? He is fully trustworthy. There is no dad on the face of this planet that is more divine, more dreamy, than our heavenly dad. I will choose to trust Him and to rest in Him- He can handle whatever I am going through. He can handle my questions, my doubts, my fears. He can take whatever I can dish out in my sorrow and anguish. He wants what is in my heart- everything. He can take ashes and bring forth beauty everytime. Now that is a dream dad for sure!
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