Struggling...

My husband brought up moving to me last night, again....He brings it up every month or two. Just when I think I he is"okay" with his job, with living here in these beautiful mountains...

I have lived in Montana since 1992; a big move from living in the Green Mountain State.  I first came out here to be a part of Youth With A Mission.  I started with a Discipleship  Training School and took a mission trip to Australia.  After my stint there I started working for an area nursing home and saved money to go back to YWAM where I then did a School of Worship and did a missions trip along the west coast of the United States praying and doing conferences of sorts about worship.  

Fast forward to October 2005 when Kent and I married after a year of long-distance dating in Florida and then he moved here...it's kind of a long story.  Anyway, there are a lot of things drawing him back to Florida.  His aging parents still live in Florida along with his two sisters.  The funny thing is they are from South Dakota where they farmed ever since he was a boy.  He has always regretted that his dad had to sell the farm, but that is another story...

The crazy thing is I never remember thinking that I might end up in Florida...guess that is what love does...

So, here we are on the precipice of making a huge decision...a decision that at this point seems elusive.  Kent complains that one day I am okay with it and saying I will support him and then the next time I am upset and angry that we have to move.  It is true!  I am having a hard time buying into this decision wholeheartedly.  I am not convinced that all of the issues that he faces here will somehow miraculously be eliminated simply by moving there.  

How do I get my heart to agree with him and move in that direction happily?  I know I need to give him a wholehearted "Yes", in order for him to feel honored and supported.  I need to give him a chance.  My thoughts start racing and my fears start rising and his face turns crestfallen.  

I know that God is the one who holds my future in His hands.  It is hard trusting an imperfect man with your life, but ultimately it is God who I am railing against.  It is God that I am choosing not to trust with my future.  I am struggling...I don't want to live in a big city with big highways and lots of traffic and crime.  The lifestyle there is completely different.  Why can't he just make it work here?!  

If we are to move there, I will move.  That is my role as a wife.  Whether he is happy in his jobs plays a huge role in whether we are happy as a family.   With God's help I can scale a wall.  This could be an adventure if I choose to see it that way.  I need to give God my frustrations, my fears and my friendships...He is able to do much more than I could ever ask or think!  Will I lay down the struggle to hold on to His hand?  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Lord give me the strength!  

The Tyranny and Gift of Time...

It is hard to not get swept up by the tyranny of the urgent and not just the urgent, but the myriad of distractions that we face everyday.  Sometimes we just have too many choices.  When I have an afternoon with less work than usual, I find I come up with so many possibilities that oftentimes I am paralyzed by the overwhelming options...

How do we spend our time?  Hmmmm...I could read a book or....I could write a poem or work on my writing course or watch a television program or go for a walk or see what's going on in the FaceBook world, call a friend, play my guitar, play the piano or take a nap....the choices are endless!

Do you ever have times when it is just so hard to decide what you want to do that you end up doing nothing of real significance?  It is the tyranny of too many choices sometimes sandwiched by the urgent needs or perceived urgent needs that press upon my mind all the time.  Does anyone have this figured out?  I feel pulled in so many different directions that sometimes I am overwhelmed by all the possibilities.  I used to train caregivers at a homecare agency here in town.  I remember I used to talk about how clients with dementia need choices, simple choices such as, "Would you like to wear this pink shirt or this blue one?" or, "Would you like macaroni and cheese tonight or soup?"  as opposed to, "What would you like to wear?" (Out of a closet full of possibilities) or "What would  you like to eat tonight?" and again, out of a thousand-and-one choices.

On the subject of choices; have you ever been stressed out by just how many choices we have in deodorants?  Would you like fresh scent or flower scent?  Would you like liquid roll-on or a dry application?  Would you like it to be cheap or do you care?  Sooooo, maaaannny choices that it can make you crazy, just wanting to run out of the store screaming sometimes (at least I do).  Can you believe you are reading a blog about deodorants?

So, how do we narrow the field in our lives (not just at the store) so that we are effective, we are doing God's will instead of the will of everyone around us and their pet projects and what they think we are called to help them with?

There are no easy answers...I think it boils down to what is God calling us to do?  Where do our interests lie?  What are we good at?  What do others comment on regarding our talents and giftings? What do we enjoy?  Maybe we (I) make it more complicated then it needs to be, trying to spread ourselves (myself) so thin that I am not effective anywhere.

The Life of Richness...

My husband has a new job working for a billionaire.  This man is very generous and definitely takes care of his employees for which we are incredibly grateful.  We were invited to a yearly fourth of July party complete with helicopters flown in for the event as well as guys who came out of nowhere parachuting with little motors.  The party was nothing like anything I had ever seen, we certainly cannot comprehend living a life with that much wealth, it was mind-blowing!

The decorations were like an upscale wedding under a huge tent.  White roses and hydrangea.  It is beyond comprehension really; this lavish life!

The carnival that we attended was seemingly over the top as well.  I had never seen anything like it!  There were rides set up just like the county fair only on a smaller scale complete with the carnival workers. My son got to ride the rides with no lines or waiting.  He could practically stay on any of the ones that he wanted for as long as he wanted!  We could go to the snack shop and order whatever we wanted at no cost to us!  Cotton candy, hot dogs, fry bread; you name and it was ours for the asking! We even won stuffed animals that were better than any prizes I had ever won at any other fair in my lifetime.  So we ended up having our hands full as we finally decided we had had enough and took our exhausted bodies to the car dragging the hugest Dumbo you could ever see and "Arnold" our new adopted alligator to home-sweet-home.  Amazing!  Frivolous!  Scandalous in its lavishness (At least to my humble eyes).

Lavishness...that is the heart of our generous, loving Father.  He owns it all!  Everything!  He desires to give to us so much more than we can hold.  Abba Daddy!  The one that loves us beyond measure. he longs for us to receive.  He desires that we would enjoy all that He has for us.  I am thinking so far beyond material things.  His Word says that He will make ALL grace abound to us so that we would have ALL that we need....abounding in everything...everything that really matters!  I think of the believers who live in India or Africa or any number of impoverished areas of our world...are they doing something wrong that they are poor?  I don't believe that for a moment!  In so many ways I think they are richer in their understanding of what riches are; true riches.  To know the love of God in such a deep way that you can abide with great peace whether with little or much.  To know the peace of God in one's heart whether living in a war torn land or living in the chaos of a dog-eat-dog world.

I think of the story of Rich Mullins, the singer and writer of poems and stories that are rich in meaning and raw emotion...he was at the top of the Contemporary music industry in the eighties with "Awesome God" among many other well known Christian songs that are now classics...when he made it to the top, so to speak, he made a lot of money.  But, he only took what was the average salary  of a working man for his wages and did not even know how much money he actually made. His life was rich with the love and grace of God (as expressed through his music and interviews), so much so, that the things of this world did not appear to tempt him.

That is the richness that I want...a richness of the spirit, a knowing in my heart, an understanding of the lavishness of the goodness of God in my life.  I want "rose-colored glasses" or shall I say, "God-colored glasses"; glasses that see the blessings of God in my life no matter what may be going on in and around me.  Does this attitude come naturally to me?  I wish I could say that it did, but it is definitely a discipline I must intentionally cultivate.

That is my heart's desire; to live the life of richness...in my soul!

The Bittersweet of Life...

Have you ever noticed how life can be so bittersweet?  There are days that I am down...wondering why about so many things.  There are days that I don't think I can contain the joy and yet, there are times where it vacillates from pure joy and contentment to utter despair and desperation within only moments of each other...

I don't think there is a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for losses and griefs that stick to me like "cling-ons".

Life is tough!  Though God blesses us with bits of joy....times of laughter....moments of love and even understanding from those around us. But, it doesn't take long and we end up facing loneliness, misunderstanding from those we want so desperately to "get" us and we, in turn, do the same to those we love too.  How can this be? I think I have way more questions than answers and the older I get the dumber I get.  Do you know what I mean?  In some ways I feel wiser and more experienced and in even more ways I feel like I miss the mark more and more.  My patience runs thin with myself as well as those around me...you would think after four decades I would've learned to relax, but relaxing does not come easily to a self-proclaimed type A personality...

I tend to over-think, over-analyze and over-do...it feels like a curse most of the time.  How do we understand others if we cannot even understand ourselves?  Aren't you glad that God "gets" us even if no one else does?

Our Simple Church closed yesterday...it was a small group of believers that met for almost four years in various hotels during its lifespan.  It did not come as a complete shock to me as I had had many conversations with the pastor's wife...but, it is still bittersweet.  Our times of simple worship were sweet.  The friendships forged there were genuine, were solid, were precious.  Not that that will end, but it will morph to a different waterline...it will take much more intentionality to nurture some of these friendships, which maybe is a good thing.  Those that will remain will rise to the top.  Just like the expected death of a loved one; once it happens their death still brings great grief and loss.  This transition is good, I know it is...because God is good.  Where we will call our church  home, it is beyond our knowing at this time; but God knows!  It is an adventure awaiting us.  It is bittersweet nonetheless....

This past week a good friend moved; another loss of sorts although I am sure we will still be in contact.

Last weekend I was a part of Tres Dias; helping out on the music team.  Lives were changed.  Hearts were encouraged and hope restored.  The prayer prayed by a man behind the curtain during Saturday evenings serenade brought me to tears; not out of sadness, but out of feeling the blessing of God's voice speaking over me to go forward without shame, to know that Jesus truly does love me and although I carry grief each and every day of my life...He sustains me and "He brings beauty from ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair".

With the bittersweet of life how can anyone face another day without the lover of their soul holding them up?  I fear I would have given in to the fear and sadness a long time ago and would've either thrown the towel in completely or trudged through life trying to pull up my own bootstraps and woefully carrying my burdens through the arduous journey called my life tired, worn and beaten down.

I don't know about anyone else, but I for one can only sing in the midst of my bittersweetness as Fernando Ortega sings"Just Give me Jesus...."