Ponderings...

Last night I was typing medical transcription when all of a sudden I realized our cat Marly was missing. We had such a busy afternoon that I hadn't noticed until quite late...so I searched for him throughout the whole house and there was no Marly...

I decided to go for a walk in search of him and I passed one house where Phyllis lived, but now her husband lives there alone and I wondered how he was doing, then I passed the house where Dewey lived and he was now gone.  As I walked I passed where a friend used to live, he died of a sudden heart attack a few years back.  At MOPS today a woman who was pregnant has returned from out of state empty handed with a broken heart...my own heart is heavy with the sorrows in my own life and those all around me...

I think of that Scripture that says, "Death where is your sting?"  It seems to me that death brings a horrible painful sting...

But though the pain is real and the pain is great, the one silver lining in this darkness is that it is temporary... I think of Paul's words in Corinthians...we are receiving a far greater glory that will far (FAR) outweigh ALL of our troubles and heartache!  Our job is to keep our eye on the prize, keep looking to our final reward and that dear hurting one, is real too, more real than we can even know or feel right now which is why we must walk by faith and not by what we see...we are closer to that day than when we first began this journey.  Let us hold on, don't let go until we are home safe through the burning tears, in spite of the gut-wrenching sorrow and then we can celebrate what God has done for us! 

Shattered Dreams...but He is Able!

Shattered dreams; part of our journey in life...we all have them...we all need to grieve the loss of them oftentimes over and over and over again and, you know, it never ever gets easy...

We can make our plans, but it is our  job to be flexible and willing to change them as we need to...goals are good, plans are necessary and having expectations of how things will go is  just part of life.  But, in all those plans we need to remain flexible and willing to bend when the Lord directs us to go in a different direction than what we had hoped and dreamed for.

I wanted to get married earlier in life, it didn't work out as I had planned.  I wanted to have a closeness with a very special person in my family, it has not happened.  I wanted to have children earlier, but number one (marriage) didn't happen until way later than I had hoped and now I find myself as a new mom in my late forties.  I wanted to homeschool my children and yet I am not sure that will happen...so many disappointments, but will I remain brokenhearted and bitter or look up to the Creator that does all things well?

Some of my dreams are based on values (like homeschooling), but God's ways are not our ways...we cannot understand the mind of God...He knows and understands our heart as well as our motives, but that does not mean all that we wish for will happen.

One of my dreams of sorts was to homeschool our son...because of our Christian values and beliefs, but he is an only child and we are wondering if it is the best way for him...Lord, we need wisdom beyond ourselves and the ability to see what You have in store...there is no guarantee that our kids will make right choices even if we do everything we can to help them, they have free wills...raising kids is one of the hardest and most heartbreaking jobs we will ever do and yet the most rewarding as well.  This is why being on our knees and crying out to the Lord for His direction is the only way we can move forward in confidence despite opposition and without regrets.

Yet, as a parent, we will always wonder if we did what was right, we will second-guess ourselves perpetually and take what people say about our kids to heart because we feel it reflects on us and we don't want to look bad or feel like failures to ourselves or to others...why do we worry so  much about what others think of us and our decisions when they are human just like us...

The love that we have for our kids is not enough to keep them from wrong choices...I love the thought I heard once that even though God is perfect, His kids did not turn out perfectly and yet He is LOVE!  He makes no mistakes...and in that I can take heart...unlike Him, I will make mistakes and unlike Him, my love is great, but flawed nonetheless.  We will fail in many ways in the raising of our children, but we are not failures!  We are flesh and bone, but we have a God that is bigger than anything we can do or not do...He is able even when we are not.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the  more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me".  2 Corinthians 12 9:10

So, here I will boast about my weakness...and there are many, but again a reminder to my own soul...He is able!

Life through Loss...

I wonder what it is like...to feel the movement of life in one's womb?  Though I have a son, I will never know...there are times when I see a pregnant woman or hear someone tell of their pregnancy or how they feel the baby kick or move and I have a moment of sadness, of loss...

I remember when I was a girl, my mother told of how hard giving birth was, the pain of it.  Honestly, I was scared to death and thought to myself that I never wanted to give birth, but would adopt...and here I am having done just that...adopted and not given birth...

I am grateful for our son...no matter how he came to us.  God has His ways.  Lately though I have thought about the real privilege it is to be a part of what God is doing...to have a part in conception and forming life....only once did God choice immaculate conception...His preferred method is the cooperation of his children to participate in the miracle of conception and birth.  Women are the only ones that get to experience life inside them, in their core and giving life and nurturing life is a huge part of their (our) calling.  Though I have not given life through my physical body; I have given life through the process of adoption...that process did not include nausea and vomiting and morning sickness or feeling the baby move; but it was a long, uphill climb kind of process that took an immense faith to believe that we would have a baby at the end...and we did give "birth" so to speak.  It was painful. It was hard.  It was nerve-wracking...but in the end a baby was born and he was to become our long-awaited son!  

Yes, I'll never know why I didn't get to experience the miracle of birth in the traditional way until eternity and yes, there will always be a loss there....experiencing loss is just part of living on this earth.  But, I have the opportunity to nurture a little boy that I get to call my son and that is no less a miracle!  And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity of being Mom to Josiah!

He is Faithful...more of our adoption journey...

The wait continues, excrutiatingly...years have and are going by. We began our second adoption process in January 2011, Josiah turns five on April 10th.  We wonder where God is in the middle of this and what He is up to....We see teens having babies without any trouble, families easily getting pregnant and even knowing there are abortions happening every day whille we long for a little boy or girl.  There is no making sense out of the senseless...there is only trust in a God who knows way more than we do and that is not always easy, it is a moment by moment walk.  

So, a couple of weeks ago were called by the social worker on a Saturday (An unusual occurence to be called on the weekend).  She was passing through Great Falls and met with a birthmother and wanted to know if she could show her our profile...on our PPDS data sheet we chose to not be shown to birthmother's wh have been on drugs...well, this birthmother had used meth for her first trimester...Normallly, we would not even be called about this siutation, but because we are now officially the longest waiting couple the SW asked usi if she could call us each time there was a birthmother even if she did not match our PPDS.  Of course, we said yes.  There are only eight couples waiting at this point because there have been such few adoptions and LSS was trying to get us all placed more quickly, but they said they are going to have to add more potential adoptivce parents to the waiting list now.  

It struck me how most people are not put in this situation...their lives hanging in the balance with a momentous decision such as this....do we accept a crack or meth baby?  Apparenttly the cause and effect of a meth baby is not defiinitiviely correlated...in other words, no one really knows.  A lot depends on what parts of the baby are being devceloped at the time of the drug use.  The first trimester is when the tiny body parts are being formed...so supposedly it can affect those parts the most.  

Part of me becomes a bit self-righteous maybe, that here we are; never took drugs, rarely drink and we are having to decide whether or not we will take drug addicted babies or potential fetal alcohol babies...and yet, these babies need moms and dads too...they need the love of a family and to learn and know of the love of God too...

It is a scary proposition to embark on this course....will we be dealing with learning disabilities, depressed or hyper kids, some kind of deformities or disabilities?  Who knows what these drugs can do to a little fetus in utero?  Do we say yes to the unknown?  Are we listening to the spirit throughout this whole process?  Are we just afraid?  Are we responding in faith or fear?  We need God's wisdom and intervention throughout this whole process, only He knows and He can give us the peace through any situation if we know we are following Him through it all...

In the end, she chose another profile and our profile was never shown as the SW had called us and we were not available initially...we weren't chosen, again...But, God knows all there is to know.  He understands the situation.  He knows what we can handle and what we cannot...and in the end, His will will be done!  He is faithful through it all even in the midst of our pain, our wavering hearts, and our questioning souls...He is faithful, yes, He IS faithful!

"Closure"

I just finished watching a documentary about a girl named Angela.  What a beautiful girl, both sweet and strong.  This is her story about her journey finding her birthmother and birthfather.  She was looking for closure.  This struck a chord with me...from several very different angles.  The first and most obvious is that of our son...who is adopted.  He was adopted at six days old.  I am reminded of the importance and great meaning it is to send letters with updates and pictures to the adoption agency so that the birthmother can, if she wishes, be comforted that their child is well cared for.  The loss a birthmother feels is great, beyond words...the secrets that she holds for years, decades even and the sadness and grief she carries, alone...

I felt the initial fear of the adoptive mother when her daughter wanted to embark on searching for her birthparents and yet the reassurance that we as adoptive parents cannot be replaced.  We hold a special place in the heart of our child and always will so we can be free to allow our children to do what they need to do and to support them in that endeavor; a search for peace, for understanding.  That they would know their roots, where they came from; the cloth they were made from.  It's natural for us to want to know who we look like, what our story is generationally; our heritage...

I think of our our son and how he may have brothers and sisters, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles...all a piece of him and he, a part of them...

One comment that was made by Angela's sister after they had just connected, was "What kind of a woman would I be if I had had a sister to go through life with"...this hit me...deeply....

My sister Jackie died when I was four-years-old.  I miss her so much sometimes and it seems I miss her even more now than ever.  What would I have been like if I had a sister to love, to fight with, to share secrets with?  I would be a different person today, no doubt...maybe less reserved...less fearful of sharing who I am with others...more affectionate.  So many memories we could share and so many struggles that she would understand.  Of course, these are all dreams...who knows how it all would've turned out...but the dream haunts me  today.  The loss of her in my life, in my journey not to mention the loss of my grandmother as well.  How can one miss those they haven't seen or remember so deeply?  As I get older, I think of them more and more and long to have long talks about life and how it has turned out and how I wish they could have been a part of my story over the last forty-four years before they left this earth.  Maybe many things would make sense...

I also think about how I lost my mother in so many ways too...just like Angela lost her birthmother; yet she had an adoptive mother who loves her and supports her.   My heart is broken over a loss that I just have no clue how to "fix"...I grieve over this so much...how I wish the clock could be turned back and life's picture could be painted again...a little touch up here, a major revision there....this painting seems so bleak; all color is lost.  

How I long for closure too...

Be at Peace With Others...

Relationships are hard, really hard!  Dealing with other sinners just like me just doesn't always produce very good fruit or friendships for that matter...whether it be in the difficulties of home life with your spouse or other family members and in friendships; maintaining healthy communication, not getting our feelings hurt, not assuming we know another's motives without asking them or just dealing with all of our idiosyncrasies, sometimes it would be so much easier to just live as a hermit...or it is just me who has hermit tendencies?

I have a friend who has been going through a hard time in her life and has for quite some time...I think she is upset with me.  Now, she has not said that she was upset, but is acting like she is upset and as a result, I feel irritated and manipulated by her...so, we have not talked in a couple weeks, which is not typical.  I thought if I just ignored it she would get over it and everything would be fine.
I am not sure what to do now...

One of the Scriptures I have been memorizing is 1 John 2:9 which says, "Anyone who claims to be in the light and hates his brother, remains in the darkness".  Yikes!  There are so many Scriptures that admonish us to love our brothers and sisters and remind us that that is a mark of a believer, that we love one another...for we have the "ministry of reconciliation"!

God knows how hard it is for us to get over ourselves, our attitudes, our entitlements, our selfishness, our desire to be right, our weaknesses...and yet He calls us up to deal with all of these things, to make no provision for the flesh as Paul says.  We are to do whatever it takes to bring about mutual edification..."As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men".

Guess I know what I need to do...

Make that call...

For mercy triumphs over judgment...

Praying for the victims of ISIS

Yesterday I was exercising and listening to worship music, as I usually do.  I do not remember what song was on; but I began to pray...to pray for Christians a world away who are dealing with very real physical persecution...from the hands of ISIS.  I had read that morning that there was a young woman, 28-years-old, whose parents had received a confirmed word that their daughter was dead...I cannot imagine getting news like that...it is beyond understanding; obviously evil to its core...

The ISIS (they used to be Al Quada in Iraq and then they were defeated, but not destroyed) have been torturing and beheading Christians and other Americans in Iraq and Syria...

I began praying and literally crying on behalf of these people who are enduring such horrendous atrocities...I was reminded of  Pastor Saeed Abedini who has been a prisoner in Iraq for at least two years.

The blood of the persecuted cries out...even so Lord, come!

On whom does it depend?

We had an interesting discussion tonight at home group....spurring lots of thoughts.  We talked of seasons in our lives...the imperceptible changes that take place deep within one's soul during these times.  The wintry, dry seasons that can bring us to despair or feeling as though something is just not clicking and we feel shame.  We talked of the season of grief....both through death and also through emotional loss.  It is okay to just be, to take the time necessary to feel the feelings, to ask the questions, to reminisce, to cry, to pray (or not).  Seasons where the wind blows over our dusty soul.  Seasons where the green vibrant leaves turn to orange and red colors and fall to the ground quietly and become part of the landscape, a catalyst for change, one where we notice that something is changing.

God is not worried about what I do.  He is not upset when I do not have a quiet time for days or weeks at a time...(we are the ones that lose out on peace that could've been ours for the day, hope in a difficult situation or wisdom for whatever we may face).  He does not need me, He just wants me to be with him.  We think we will meet with him and be blessed (and we will), but not necessarily like we thought...God can work and is working in us and around us in spite of us..."He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" Philippians 4:13

We talked of where weeds can grow up and distract....so many things pull us from what is truly important and sometimes we cannot see it until it is too late.  All is meaningless as the writer of Ecclesiastes, Solomon, realizes time after time.

God loves us no matter what, no matter what season we may find ourselves in..."I will never leave  you nor forsake you", Hebrews 13:5 has always been one of my most favorite promises from Scripture.  I think of Psalm 139 as well where David talks of whether we are in the deepest hell or the highest mountain, God is still with us...  So, we cannot do anything or not do anything that will drive our Heavenly Father away from us.  God is not watching to see if we spend time with Him today reading His Word and then giving us a star on our scorecard for good behavior.  He is not concerned with anything really except for "hanging out with us", because He loves us and He knows what we need to be at peace, to thrive in the difficulties of life.

I brought up the fact that with gardening there are things that you need to do to be able to reap a harvest...first, plant the seed; the lettuce is not going to arrive in the spring unless I cultivate the soil and plant the seed, fertilize or compost it, water it and weed it.  Does that mean I need to "cultivate" my relationship with God somehow or is it all about God drawing and wooing me alone?  It seems that the Bible often has a cause and effect or condition and promise system mentioned in both Old Testament and New Testament...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg scenario pops in my mind at this point...we love because He first loved us or do we love because we are trying to gain His love?  Why are we doing what we are doing; reading our Bible, memorizing Scripture, serving the poor or having our morning quiet time ritual?  Is it because we want to connect with our Father or is it because we are afraid of His judgment or trying to gain His approval?  It seems to me that it is really a motivation thing more than any "thing".  

I was thinking of relationships...do I intentionally seek out moments to connect with my husband for example or does it happen without me even trying sometimes?  Sometimes I have noticed that the times I am trying "too hard"  blow up in my face and at other times it just happens naturally without me working at it at all....Is it a combination of both?  

How about long-distance family?  Do I need to purposefully cultivate relationships or is there a familiarity that stands the test of time with a security in the relationship that is already established so that no matter what I do or don't do as far as connecting is concerned, that bond remains close?  If it is close, don't I feel "closer" per se when I spend time talking with them and visiting them?  

It seems that it is neither and both all at the same time...it depends on the quality of the relationship for one and we know that God is perfect, all-loving and a very present help in our time of need (even when we do not know that we need).  So, at least one-half of this friendship will not fail.  So, the question for me at this point is do we have any responsibility in the quality of our relationship with God?  One verse says, "It does not depend on man's desire or effort..."  

It seems the more I ponder this thought, the more of a quandary I am in.  James tells us that "Faith without works is dead".  Or to put it in my own words..."your faith without actions means nothing". Again, it is about motivation...what is driving the actions?  You already have God's approval; you are his child!  I think of my relationship with my son, whether he does good or bad, excels at piano or fails to listen in music lessons; he is my son and I love him!  His poor choices break my heart and his good choices encourage me, but either way I love him still.  I am committed to him and will never abandon him no matter what!

I am loved by my Abba Daddy no matter what, but His heart grieves when I make bad decisions...and as a result I may face the natural consequences of my poor decisions.  I am thinking of the judgment of Israel, being led to captivity in Babylon...they sought other gods, they filled the void they had with idols...and we are no different though our "gods" may look different...but God loved them and His compassions do not fail and He eventually delivered them out the hands of their captors...

Today, I will seek  my God at all times, His praise will continually be on my lips!  I will remind myself that I am loved, no matter what and will rest in a love so complete and so pure that there is no need for me to run anywhere else....

Our Adoption Journey

I haven't written in a long time regarding our adoption journey.  We started our second adoption process in January 2011 with lots of paperwork and were "Ready and waiting" in August of that same year.

Now it is  February 2014!  My husband is fifty-one on the nineteenth of this month and I am forty-nine this coming November; we are no spring chickens.  Our first son, Josiah, is now going to be five-years-old on April 10.  We have waited and waited for a long time.  We have contemplated when it is time to stop waiting even if we do not have a baby...our fos-adopt licence is in effect until August of this year and we have talked about stopping the process then if we still do not have a baby placed with us.  We certainly do not come to this decision lightly.  We really felt God was leading us in that direction.  We really wanted a brother or sister for Josiah...But, who can know the mind of God?  We have invested so much into this adoption; time, money, resources, prayer...you name it!  It is scary to come to the point of saying no when it could have been any day or month and we have gotten "THE" call...but how long are we to hold on?

Speaking of calls....we received a call from Katherine a couple of weeks ago.  She was asking us if we were open to adopting an eight-month-old healthy baby boy as the birthmother had felt that she had not bonded with this baby and was ready to place him (she had gone to the adoption agency when she had found out she was pregnant and decided to parent the child).  The excitement of it all.  "Is this the baby you have for us Lord?"  Excited and yet, full of trepidation...an eight-month-old?  Now, I wold love to have an infant past the initial stages of infancy, but isn't separation anxiety at its height in a baby of this age?  What would happen if the baby who is used to the smell, sound and routines of his birthmother sees that she is not there?  Inconsolable crying?  How could I handle this little guy who cannot understand where his mother has gone and rejects me as his mother?  I was imagining my husband at work and me trying to handle a heartbroken little boy crying his eyes out hour after hour, day after day and maybe even week after week...

Who knows how the little boy would have done and how I would have handled it; we did not get chosen after all...part of me was relieved and part of me was disappointed too...when would we get the call?  Will it ever happen?  So many dichotomies in life that are irreconcilable...it is not for us to understand, it is only for us to trust that our times are in God's hands and He alone understands our hearts and He alone is able to make all grace abound to us as we continue this journey that we do not know how it will end.  I am always encouraged by the story of Hagar...when she was in the desert, thrown out of her master's house, nearly dying of thirst with her boy, Ishmael; "God knows, God sees, God hears".  I am so comforted by that today as I think about our journey in the desert of not knowing or understanding all the whys.

And so, in our "not-knowing", we trudge on...though our waiting is nearly over (one way or the other), I am certain our days of waiting will never end.  It seems we all are waiting for something at many points of our life...it is our job, my job, not just to wait, but to wait well...only by the grace of God!