It never ceases to amaze me the heart that God has for me...He loves me so unconditionally and most of the time I don't even realize the magnitude of this...what a huge gift this is. Sometimes I am oblivious of this until I fall. It's then when I botch it, make one of my biggest blunders ever or just biff it in the same thing one more time...that's when I need to know so desperately that I am loved in spite of my weakness and failure. Unconditional love is the most powerful healer of all. I can say that with experience, even though I really don't get it at all...why is it so hard to understand and not only understand, but receive? Could it be it is so foreign to our world?
Because I really don't "get" it, I have a difficult time giving it to others, sometimes especially to those closest to me. I have many lofty ideas for my relationships with my husband, children and friends. The thoughts I have before my husband gets home for example...
I will tell him how much I love him, give him the biggest hug ever and then he comes home and I find myself upset over something stupid...how he makes a mess when he cooks, why am I not just grateful that he is cooking at all? Why am I irritated by the smallest, stupidest things instead of celebrating that we are together, alive, healthy in a warm home, full bellies and blessed with family. Some people have absolutely no one and feel so alone and would give anything to have my life. and yet I find myself failing day after day in so many ways, forgetting all the blessings that God has given me and continues to give me every minute of every day. Have I told them I love them even when I am upset and filled with angst? What am I so upset over anyway? Can I let it go knowing that I often only see things from one perspective, mine...maybe my way of seeing things is not the only way and maybe it is not the best way...
The longer I live, the longer I realize I know less and less of what I thought I knew. That is a good thing! May I just realize this on a daily basis with those I love...not jump to conclusions, (my own conclusions) so quickly...
Friday, December 16, 2011
Unspeakable Joy!
Can you imagine being filled with joy no matter what tragedies or difficulties are going on around you? Being imprisoned, being beaten and mocked by co-workers, neighbors, peers? Being hungry and tired...most of us would complain and walk around with a depressed facial expression hoping someone would ask us if we are okay so we can outline just how tough we have it...getting others sympathy seems to be my motivation oftentimes. Can we tap into a joy that dwells deep within our hearts...can we find that place of peace in the midst of our storms that will change our very countenance and have people wondering what we are up to? We can, at least that what Paul had and that is what he talks about in the book of Phillipians. He was all of those things, jailed, tired, hungry, wearing rags, mocked, beaten, and yet...he counted it all joy! We here in America have it so easy, as soon as we are too hot, too cold, hungry, criticized, we are ready to throw a towel of "joy" in and complain to every passer by about our plight.
I was thinking about this the other day. My husband and I have been thinking of buying a pop-up camper. Up to this point we have always camped in a tent and before we were married my friends and I would always camp in a tent...but now with a little boy I thought it would be really be nice to have a bit more space, some head room and a nice comfortable bed...as we have been looking at campers I am amazed at the cost of them and the extravagance of so many. It got me thinking of how so many people all over the world live in huts, sleep on the sidewalk, and are fortunate to have shoes on their feet and food in their belly. I am astounded at our level of selfishness, me included. I remember someone once remarked that if we have change in our pockets or money in our bank accounts, we are richer than 95% of the world! That means that even the poorest person in the United States has more than the most people and, if they need help, we have programs to help...not in India, Africa, or the Philippines. There is no help except the help given by their fellow man, their neighbors, their friends. The body of Christ.
Some of those campers cost 150,000 to 300,000!! How many people would that feed? Clothe? House? We are so rich in so many ways and yet we are so poor as well. I remember going to Haiti for a missions trip in 1989. People there had nothing! They had dirt huts to live in. One hut I went into had huge furniture (compared to the size of their hut) all covered in plastic. You'd be amazed to see the dark, dark skin off set by the biggest white smile that you had ever saw. They were full of joy! They had little, but had much!
Why does joy elude us so often? Are we focusing on the wrong things? We are always looking for the next thing...never content with what we have and where we are in the moment...
I just finished reading a book about the persecuted women of the church all over the world...the fact that they could sing in the midst of dire circumstances of most despicable atrocities was astounding. Where do they find the ability to rejoice in the midst of that? It can only come from one place...they knew the God that created them would sustain them and that this world is not all there is...
I have sensed that too...in the midst of my own struggles and despair, this longing for my home, my real home. I know it is there because my heart tells me it is there. My heart continually pulls at me and reminds me, sometimes to my chagrin, that there is more than meets the eye. I am relieved to know that and yet restless in the waiting. A place where there are no more tears, no more sighing, no more sorrow...isn't that a place we all long for? Our hearts tell us there has to be more and aren't we glad? This truth alone causes joy to rise up within me! Unspeakable joy! My heart holds on to this truth! I will hold on to that joy until I shall be there and then I will know that the wait was worth it all!
I was thinking about this the other day. My husband and I have been thinking of buying a pop-up camper. Up to this point we have always camped in a tent and before we were married my friends and I would always camp in a tent...but now with a little boy I thought it would be really be nice to have a bit more space, some head room and a nice comfortable bed...as we have been looking at campers I am amazed at the cost of them and the extravagance of so many. It got me thinking of how so many people all over the world live in huts, sleep on the sidewalk, and are fortunate to have shoes on their feet and food in their belly. I am astounded at our level of selfishness, me included. I remember someone once remarked that if we have change in our pockets or money in our bank accounts, we are richer than 95% of the world! That means that even the poorest person in the United States has more than the most people and, if they need help, we have programs to help...not in India, Africa, or the Philippines. There is no help except the help given by their fellow man, their neighbors, their friends. The body of Christ.
Some of those campers cost 150,000 to 300,000!! How many people would that feed? Clothe? House? We are so rich in so many ways and yet we are so poor as well. I remember going to Haiti for a missions trip in 1989. People there had nothing! They had dirt huts to live in. One hut I went into had huge furniture (compared to the size of their hut) all covered in plastic. You'd be amazed to see the dark, dark skin off set by the biggest white smile that you had ever saw. They were full of joy! They had little, but had much!
Why does joy elude us so often? Are we focusing on the wrong things? We are always looking for the next thing...never content with what we have and where we are in the moment...
I just finished reading a book about the persecuted women of the church all over the world...the fact that they could sing in the midst of dire circumstances of most despicable atrocities was astounding. Where do they find the ability to rejoice in the midst of that? It can only come from one place...they knew the God that created them would sustain them and that this world is not all there is...
I have sensed that too...in the midst of my own struggles and despair, this longing for my home, my real home. I know it is there because my heart tells me it is there. My heart continually pulls at me and reminds me, sometimes to my chagrin, that there is more than meets the eye. I am relieved to know that and yet restless in the waiting. A place where there are no more tears, no more sighing, no more sorrow...isn't that a place we all long for? Our hearts tell us there has to be more and aren't we glad? This truth alone causes joy to rise up within me! Unspeakable joy! My heart holds on to this truth! I will hold on to that joy until I shall be there and then I will know that the wait was worth it all!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
An Adoption Journey- Part I
I can hardly believe it has been over a year already. A year since what, you ask? A year since our son, Josiah was instantly our son and brought into our lives with a phone call. Actually, our story starts even earlier than that. Our adoption journey started in September of 2008 when we met with the social worker in our town to inquire about adoption. I had thought about adoption many, many years earlier even as a child. I remember talking about wanting to adopt as a girl. Little did I know that I would be taking this trip many years later. My husband and I met with Dia in a tiny little office as we discussed how it all worked and whether she thought it could be possible for us...she encouraged us to start the process and we decided to launch into a whole new world. A new world of piles and piles and reams and reams of paperwork, definitely not like the traditional method of childbearing....Our first adventure after doing our initial application was to attend an adoption workshop in Billings, Montana. That is an eight-hour trip from Kalispell and we were looking forward to making a trip of it. Going out for a dinner or two and staying at a hotel. The only problem was, as is typical in Montana, an early winter snowstorm through the passes made the driving slow and harrowing and we white-knuckled it through, all we knew is that we wanted to get this show on the road as you might say. We were not spring chickens- just starting out as prospective parents at the ages of 42 and 44. I like to think that we look young and are quite active, but nonetheless, we still needed this process to get going. Even though my biological clock was not a huge issue in the physical sense of the word, it was still ticking...Anyway, once we arrived at the hotel and I get a call from Sheila, another social worker from LSS in Billings, that she was canceling the workshop! She must be kidding I'm thinking. I told her that we had just arrived in Billings and were just settling into our hotel and she said she would call back once she figured out what they were going to do for sure. They even had power off at the room we were going to meet at...Wow! This is getting interesting already!
She finally called us back and said they were going to go ahead with it as some couples were already here and some were from Billings. Whew! So, we went the following morning to St. John's campus and met several other couples who were also wanting to adopt. We learned of the laws, talked of open adoption a lot, I remember I wasn't so sure about the whole open adoption thing, I wanted that child to be "our" child and I didn't want any "competition" or confusion to get in the mix of our relationship with our child. Anyway, after that we met with the social workers and they recommended us to continue on in the adoption process. We also met with adoptive parents in Billings and then birthparents in Bozeman and heard their perspective on meeting adoptive couples and what they were looking for and what they expected in open adoptions that they had with their children.
On our way home we were to stop in Bozeman to meet with two different birthmothers to get their perspective. That was the best part really. The group of us got to ask questions and hear how they felt about adoption now and what they were looking for in prospectice adoptive parents. Their feelings on open adoption and the naming of the child. Wow, there were lots of things to think about...
We drove home excitedly talking of all that we had heard and learned and ready to do whatever it took to get "our" baby.
So much more was needed to be done until we could be on the "ready and waiting list." We were to meet with Dia again for a homestudy. We had more questions to answer about the quality of our marriage (even our sex life). That was stressful. It felt like no stone would go unturned in our pursuit of being parents. I understood the importance on one hand and yet I struggled on the other as parents who birth their children do not go through such invasion of privacy and I was a witness to so many parents that were young, immature, and selfish who were having children from different boyfriends and the novelty of having a cute little baby was thought to be cool. I talked to one girl who had several children and her current boyfriend was in jail...for the second time...and yet we had to do all this stuff to just prove that we were suitable prospective parents. At the time it was a burr under my saddle.
Once we got through the homestudy, we started working on our profile. This is the the little booklet that tells the potential birth parents what kind of life their child would have if they chose us to parent their child. It is a bit unnerving. You had to explain who we are and hopefully "we" appeal to a birthmother and she chooses us...then there is the meeting of the birthparents. The other thing is that birthparents, specifically the birthmother has seventy-two hours to change her mind from the time of birth until she signs the relinquishment paperwork. Which means the prospective birthparents are likely "hanging from the chandeliers" while they wait and pray. At this point, an adoptive couple totally feels this is their baby, you can't help getting your heart involved, as it should to be to be a good, loving parent...
We got our profile ready and then waited. I would call Dia and just ask if our profiles were sent. That was the hardest part, the waiting and wondering if anything was going on behind the scenes. It helped to call her and just talk sometimes. I would get asked all the time if we had heard anything from co-workers, friends, family, etcetera. They were well-meaning, but it was hard to continually say no we haven't heard anything...
While we waited, my husband lost his job. The economic times here in the valley had just taken a nosedive and the building industries were slowing down to a crawl. He worked at a plumbing supply warehouse as a delivery driver. As soon as he lost his job, we were put on hold for the adoption. We were angry and disappointed. What would this mean for us? At that point we had no idea how long it would be before he would find another job. We would both vacillate between despair and frustration and hanging onto the faith that God knows all and is orchestrating it all out just the way He had planned...
She finally called us back and said they were going to go ahead with it as some couples were already here and some were from Billings. Whew! So, we went the following morning to St. John's campus and met several other couples who were also wanting to adopt. We learned of the laws, talked of open adoption a lot, I remember I wasn't so sure about the whole open adoption thing, I wanted that child to be "our" child and I didn't want any "competition" or confusion to get in the mix of our relationship with our child. Anyway, after that we met with the social workers and they recommended us to continue on in the adoption process. We also met with adoptive parents in Billings and then birthparents in Bozeman and heard their perspective on meeting adoptive couples and what they were looking for and what they expected in open adoptions that they had with their children.
On our way home we were to stop in Bozeman to meet with two different birthmothers to get their perspective. That was the best part really. The group of us got to ask questions and hear how they felt about adoption now and what they were looking for in prospectice adoptive parents. Their feelings on open adoption and the naming of the child. Wow, there were lots of things to think about...
We drove home excitedly talking of all that we had heard and learned and ready to do whatever it took to get "our" baby.
So much more was needed to be done until we could be on the "ready and waiting list." We were to meet with Dia again for a homestudy. We had more questions to answer about the quality of our marriage (even our sex life). That was stressful. It felt like no stone would go unturned in our pursuit of being parents. I understood the importance on one hand and yet I struggled on the other as parents who birth their children do not go through such invasion of privacy and I was a witness to so many parents that were young, immature, and selfish who were having children from different boyfriends and the novelty of having a cute little baby was thought to be cool. I talked to one girl who had several children and her current boyfriend was in jail...for the second time...and yet we had to do all this stuff to just prove that we were suitable prospective parents. At the time it was a burr under my saddle.
Once we got through the homestudy, we started working on our profile. This is the the little booklet that tells the potential birth parents what kind of life their child would have if they chose us to parent their child. It is a bit unnerving. You had to explain who we are and hopefully "we" appeal to a birthmother and she chooses us...then there is the meeting of the birthparents. The other thing is that birthparents, specifically the birthmother has seventy-two hours to change her mind from the time of birth until she signs the relinquishment paperwork. Which means the prospective birthparents are likely "hanging from the chandeliers" while they wait and pray. At this point, an adoptive couple totally feels this is their baby, you can't help getting your heart involved, as it should to be to be a good, loving parent...
We got our profile ready and then waited. I would call Dia and just ask if our profiles were sent. That was the hardest part, the waiting and wondering if anything was going on behind the scenes. It helped to call her and just talk sometimes. I would get asked all the time if we had heard anything from co-workers, friends, family, etcetera. They were well-meaning, but it was hard to continually say no we haven't heard anything...
While we waited, my husband lost his job. The economic times here in the valley had just taken a nosedive and the building industries were slowing down to a crawl. He worked at a plumbing supply warehouse as a delivery driver. As soon as he lost his job, we were put on hold for the adoption. We were angry and disappointed. What would this mean for us? At that point we had no idea how long it would be before he would find another job. We would both vacillate between despair and frustration and hanging onto the faith that God knows all and is orchestrating it all out just the way He had planned...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Diamond in the Rough
Did you know that I am a diamond? Most of the time I may not look like it, act like it, or shine like it, but I am nonetheless. Most of the time I do not even know it or see it myself, but there are those...yes, those that do and that gives me hope.
My friends often have to remind me of what I cannot see myself, they are true friends. My husband says he believes in me even when I feel like I have failed him repeatedly. My creator reminds me of the plans that He has for me and "sticks closer than a brother."
Most of the time I feel like a dull, lifeless, lump of black carbon coal. Not much to look at. One that fades into the background. One that is hardly noticeable to anyone....
But, there is one that sees me. Truly sees me. He sees past the black to the amazing brilliance that reflects all the colors of the rainbow when light hits me. He sees the multifaceted edges and realizes that all He needs to do is to lovingly polish, turn up the heat in just the right amounts and at just the right times and the beauty of it's radiance will dazzle and sparkle all the way to heaven and back. He takes the time to see the potential and get to work so that this little insignificant piece of carbon will be transformed into one who reflects all the brilliance of it's creator.
Do I trust this master craftsman to do only what is needful and no more? It's not easy to trust when it hurts, when the heat is getting turned up and I lose sight of the goal. It's not easy, but, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness, when you are weak, I am strong." Wow! I want to go all the way...all the way from a diamond in the rough to a gleaming gem that sparkles with the creator's purity and beauty!
So much of it is about trust...do I trust myself to reveal the authentic me? Will they like me if they see all the different shades and nuances of me? We are multi-faceted, just like a diamond that is cut to show the brilliance of what we are made of when the light reflects...sometimes I feel more like a chunk of carbon coal, not really brilliant at all, but, if someone takes the time to polish me off and see beyond the obvious and see the potential that I can become and loves me to a greater level of brilliance, that is a true friend...I have one that "never leaves me or forsakes me" and He sees me in my weakness and fraility and says, "My power is made perfect through your weakness!" I like the sounds of that...will I extend this gift to another? In those I love, when they are exhibiting their weaknesses, their frailities, maybe even their blackness...will I see the diamond that they are...covered by the black dust of this earth and choose to love? I cannot do this on my own, but I know someone who can through me...
My friends often have to remind me of what I cannot see myself, they are true friends. My husband says he believes in me even when I feel like I have failed him repeatedly. My creator reminds me of the plans that He has for me and "sticks closer than a brother."
Most of the time I feel like a dull, lifeless, lump of black carbon coal. Not much to look at. One that fades into the background. One that is hardly noticeable to anyone....
But, there is one that sees me. Truly sees me. He sees past the black to the amazing brilliance that reflects all the colors of the rainbow when light hits me. He sees the multifaceted edges and realizes that all He needs to do is to lovingly polish, turn up the heat in just the right amounts and at just the right times and the beauty of it's radiance will dazzle and sparkle all the way to heaven and back. He takes the time to see the potential and get to work so that this little insignificant piece of carbon will be transformed into one who reflects all the brilliance of it's creator.
Do I trust this master craftsman to do only what is needful and no more? It's not easy to trust when it hurts, when the heat is getting turned up and I lose sight of the goal. It's not easy, but, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness, when you are weak, I am strong." Wow! I want to go all the way...all the way from a diamond in the rough to a gleaming gem that sparkles with the creator's purity and beauty!
So much of it is about trust...do I trust myself to reveal the authentic me? Will they like me if they see all the different shades and nuances of me? We are multi-faceted, just like a diamond that is cut to show the brilliance of what we are made of when the light reflects...sometimes I feel more like a chunk of carbon coal, not really brilliant at all, but, if someone takes the time to polish me off and see beyond the obvious and see the potential that I can become and loves me to a greater level of brilliance, that is a true friend...I have one that "never leaves me or forsakes me" and He sees me in my weakness and fraility and says, "My power is made perfect through your weakness!" I like the sounds of that...will I extend this gift to another? In those I love, when they are exhibiting their weaknesses, their frailities, maybe even their blackness...will I see the diamond that they are...covered by the black dust of this earth and choose to love? I cannot do this on my own, but I know someone who can through me...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Because You Believed What You Heard!
Gen 15:6- Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness. Romans 9:16 says, "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." and Galatians 2:16, "...by observing the law no one will be justified."
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
Every person in the Bible failed, I mean big time! I think of Abraham who not just once, but twice lied and said that his wife was his sister out of fear...and yet here we see that he believed God, that was the only requirement to be called righteous. It does not list off all of Abraham's mighty accomplishments, although, granted he was a mighty man of God in many ways, but only through the grace of God.
Look at David, who was called the "man after God's own heart." Really? He slept with another man's wife, got her pregnant and then had her husband killed. His family was a mess with rape, adultery, murder, and intrigue; sounds like the stuff of romance novels....How was he a man after God's own heart? He knew where he had failed and he was not afraid to be honest with God about it...
How about Paul who persecuted believers and then once encountered by their "Savior and Lord" served Him even to his own apparent detriment and death?
And these are only the tip of the iceberg....
It looks like I am in good company...I have failed in more ways than I can count...I have failed my family, my husband, my son, my parent's, my brothers, fellow believers...maybe my life would not be as interesting of a read as David's, but it certainly would not hold up to the ten commandments or any other legal document..."it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, but a gift of God so that no one can boast." No boasting going on here except in the perfection of my savior, Jesus. He alone has the power to save..."Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" The longer I live, the more I come to realize that I need Him more than I think I do! The longer I live the more I realize who I really am and who He really is!
Yes, I do believe, but help my unbelief Lord!
The Door of My Heart
What does the door of your heart look like? I mean what is it made of? Is it wood? Is it more like a half door where the top swings open? Is it ornate or plain? Is it locked or is it more like a screen door that everyone can see in? I think it can change with the different seasons of our lives, don't you? Sometimes the door of my heart is locked up tighter than a drum and at other times the screen door is left wide open to allow the cool breezes to waft in freely. Some days I see people I know from church or work and my heart is open and wants to talk and catch up, see how they're doing when I pass them in the grocery store aisle and other times I find myself pretending like I didn't see them and running into the next aisle to avoid them at all costs, my heart is tired, worn out, introspective and closed to any visitors. Sometimes I don't feel too good about myself and all I want to do is hide- maybe it's my bad hair day or I am in a hurry to get home to get dinner on the table or maybe I am feeling unloved or ashamed of who I am...there can be so many different reasons, all crowding in at once with no real understanding of what is going on in my heart.
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
The heart is a curious thing...so many mysteries waiting to be understood by myself and others. Sometimes my heart scares me, what's lurking there that even I don't really understand, let alone beginning to try to explain it to another heart, another soul. The things of the heart go deep, an unexplored trail with new sights around the next bend, sometimes there is a grand vista awaiting with mountain wildflowers and sometimes there are just weeds waiting to be pulled. Sometimes they are predictable, a lot like so many other human hearts, common to each one of us. Sometimes there is such inexplicable sadness and shame all covered up by pretense, supposed self-confidence, and responsibility. Sometimes there is a yearning to just forget it all and fly free- not encumbered by the weights of what we have to do, but rather a freedom to feel like a child again, making angels in the snow, alighting on a tree singing like a bird, moving wherever the wind may take us...
The door of my heart changes with the seasons of my soul...who will I open my door to? When will I open the door of my heart? Will I allow my heart to dream, to roam, to run free?
What is driving me?
I behaved very badly tonight with my husband...I became very frustrated with him because, according to me, he procrastinated on something that I thought was very important and needed to be dealt with much more quickly...I tried to bully him with my words. I tried to railroad him into thinking like me. I tried to convince him that my way of thinking was right and I tried to make him feel bad for the way he was doing it in order to get him to do it my way....Yikes! This is not grace...this is called intimidation.
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
Wow! Talk about convicting! Where is this yuck coming from in me...from my heart! What is driving me? Where is this stuff coming from? I know it's coming from my heart, as the scripture says, but why is it coming? What is it that is driving me to act like this, impatient with a high level of frustration, easily irritated, disrespectful, controlling, intimidating, unloving, unkind, and ungracious? Is it fear? Anger? Feeling vulnerable? Feeling scared? Why am I acting this way?
This is no easy question with no easy answers, but yet very important to ask nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I go in circles, chasing my tail with the questions that have no definitive answers and possible answers with really no certainty that I have hit the nail on the head.
After this very negative interchange with my husband, I felt like a failure all the while that was how I was making him feel as well. No one wins. As I said to him, "It seems that it is only when I really get mad that something gets done about the issue at hand." He replied..."It gets done this time, but I don't respect you in the process." That was a punch in the gut! I did it again, I said to myself, I ruined everything. That's when I get myself in so much trouble, when I get so frustrated I feel like a pressure gasket that inevitably is going to blow...and the results are never very good. Trust and respect go way down on the meter and the ramifications are incalculable. Do I feel better because I let him have it? Not hardly! At the time it feels like the pressure valve is better, but it leaves me feeling like a heel, him feeling like a failure, and the relationship in a state of shock. No one wins.
But, how do I handle my off the charts frustration...I don't know, I am often at a loss. Relationships are not a black and white issue and I have a hard time living in the gray. I wish it was, you do this and this will happen (which is exactly what happens, but not in the way I would like). These are often questions without answers except for by the spirit. I was just reminded of the verse that says in Galatians, "Walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh." What are the lusts in this situation? Letting him have it, giving him what I think he deserves for his apparent lack of responsibility or procrastination. If I had prayed and asked the Lord what my response should've been, I dare say my approach would have been much different and so to the results. I obviously was not walking in the spirit and I did fulfill the lust of my flesh at that moment. How would've the spirit responded? With truth. With kindness. With grace. With patience. Trusting that God would work through this situation and would speak to my husband where I am unable to.
Thankfully God is gracious (unlike me) and His mercies are new every morning. I will ask God for his forgiveness and help and ask my husband to forgive me as well. I didn't do it right, but I have learned after over five years of marriage and I am getting it right more often than when we started this lifelong journey (Both God and my husband). "After all it's all about love"...as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
God Can Be Trusted
I am reminded today through my Bible study that God can be trusted. We are not always convinced of this are we? We probably would not say this outloud, but we often live our lives this way oftentimes not realizing the message that we are giving him. I think about Adam in the garden and how the serpent tempted him with these words, "Did God really say?" The element of distrust was introduced...we deal with this everyday in all of our decisions. I am doing a study on sex right now. Why is it that we believe our culture and media know way more than the very creator of life, the one who made us male and female and the very one who thought up sexuality? The very thing that can bring us to the height of ectasy and pleasure and oneness with our mate is the very thing that can bring much heartache and pain if not experienced in the safety of marriage. Why is it that we always think we know better? Why is it that we always think we can handle something that is so mysterious and so powerful when out of the context that it was meant for? Think about fire...it is an awesome gift to help us stay warm when it is cold, to allow us to cook our food, but when it is out of control and not within the confines of a fire pit or stove, it can be so destructive...annihilating a whole forest before we have the chance to blink...Same with guns. We talk about the need to respect guns and rightfully so. We can use them to get our dinner or to protect us from a wild animal and yet they can used to murder the innocent or used wrongly in a "crime of passion."
Did our belief that we knew better than God pan out very well for us in the garden? I guess some might think so, but I fail to see it. Do we really know better than God? Can we be so arrogant to think that the creature is smarter or wiser than the Creator? What pain we have put ourselves through to believe the deception and the lies of the enemy of our souls, the very one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy us and what better way to get through to us than our ego?
This whole thing about our sexuality boils down to a lack of understanding of a God who really loves us, wants the best for us, and can be trusted. He is Almighty. Omnipotent. Powerful. And yet He is loving and kind to all He has made. He truly loves us and gives us His laws not to control, but to allow us more freedom and peac in our lives. He already knows what will happen if we choose to go our own way...these laws are for our protection, our peace of heart and mind, and the way that brings us much joy and happiness. Think about it...where does the fear, the regret, the heartache all come from? Does it come from following what God calls us to do or from deciding that I want to do it my own way and in my own time? I am going to make this or that happen. That is where the pain comes from in our lives...
I think of all the ways we can get off track in our world today...have too much to drink and hop into a car and you can find yourself dead, in prison for killing an innocent person, or saddled with fines and a loss of a license. Drugs...same story. Stealing. Murder. Maybe we do it in fun...who do you think you are to tell me what I can or cannot do? Okay...go ahead...you will be the one to pay dearly for years to come in one way or another. Following the laws of God brings peace, a life with no regrets, a past with less shame and guilt, a testimony of the faithfulness of God. Perfect? No, not hardly...but, way less baggage...
In looking at the Ten Commandments this morning I was struck by how God put the commandment to honor our father and mother there...why? I believe because when we respect the authoritiy in our lives, it sets us up for success. As soon as we rebel and think they don't know anything, we set ourselves up for going in our own way- for doing what seems right to us in our own eyes and that is a dangerous slippery slope...relativism...if it feels right do it...where has it gotten us?
It is the revelation of his love and care for us that we desperately need. Can we not see that the overarching message of the gospel, which means good news, is God's love for those He has made. Think about how we are with our children... do we set down rules just so we can control them? Or do we set down rules and guidelines so that they are protected and safe? We do it because we love them. One thing I have discovered is that training a child is not fun- it is hard work. We have to be consistent, unrelenting, and we have to risk not being their best friend, they may not like us for a while...why do we do it? Because we know the outcome if we do and we know the outcome if we don't and because we know this, we do it because we love them!
That is the heart of our father- love. He loves us that much. He can be trusted with our hearts! He is the one that will tell us the truth even when it is what we don't want to hear...will we receive what He has to say and know that it comes from a heart of love and compassion on all He has made? Oh, how He loves us!
Did our belief that we knew better than God pan out very well for us in the garden? I guess some might think so, but I fail to see it. Do we really know better than God? Can we be so arrogant to think that the creature is smarter or wiser than the Creator? What pain we have put ourselves through to believe the deception and the lies of the enemy of our souls, the very one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy us and what better way to get through to us than our ego?
This whole thing about our sexuality boils down to a lack of understanding of a God who really loves us, wants the best for us, and can be trusted. He is Almighty. Omnipotent. Powerful. And yet He is loving and kind to all He has made. He truly loves us and gives us His laws not to control, but to allow us more freedom and peac in our lives. He already knows what will happen if we choose to go our own way...these laws are for our protection, our peace of heart and mind, and the way that brings us much joy and happiness. Think about it...where does the fear, the regret, the heartache all come from? Does it come from following what God calls us to do or from deciding that I want to do it my own way and in my own time? I am going to make this or that happen. That is where the pain comes from in our lives...
I think of all the ways we can get off track in our world today...have too much to drink and hop into a car and you can find yourself dead, in prison for killing an innocent person, or saddled with fines and a loss of a license. Drugs...same story. Stealing. Murder. Maybe we do it in fun...who do you think you are to tell me what I can or cannot do? Okay...go ahead...you will be the one to pay dearly for years to come in one way or another. Following the laws of God brings peace, a life with no regrets, a past with less shame and guilt, a testimony of the faithfulness of God. Perfect? No, not hardly...but, way less baggage...
In looking at the Ten Commandments this morning I was struck by how God put the commandment to honor our father and mother there...why? I believe because when we respect the authoritiy in our lives, it sets us up for success. As soon as we rebel and think they don't know anything, we set ourselves up for going in our own way- for doing what seems right to us in our own eyes and that is a dangerous slippery slope...relativism...if it feels right do it...where has it gotten us?
It is the revelation of his love and care for us that we desperately need. Can we not see that the overarching message of the gospel, which means good news, is God's love for those He has made. Think about how we are with our children... do we set down rules just so we can control them? Or do we set down rules and guidelines so that they are protected and safe? We do it because we love them. One thing I have discovered is that training a child is not fun- it is hard work. We have to be consistent, unrelenting, and we have to risk not being their best friend, they may not like us for a while...why do we do it? Because we know the outcome if we do and we know the outcome if we don't and because we know this, we do it because we love them!
That is the heart of our father- love. He loves us that much. He can be trusted with our hearts! He is the one that will tell us the truth even when it is what we don't want to hear...will we receive what He has to say and know that it comes from a heart of love and compassion on all He has made? Oh, how He loves us!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Being a Wife
I was single for a very long time...I got married when I was 38-years-old. I really struggled with being single for a long time and was excited to finally be married. I have now been married for over five years...and through most of those short years, I have struggled on the other side of my marital status. Who would've thought marriage could be so hard? Maybe it's because I have lived by myself for so long, I have been very independent. It's not so much the independent issue that seems to be the difficulty though. It is as the Bible talks about in Genesis, "you will want control over your husband." Yikes! Did I say that out loud? I have a tendency to want to make him do everything the way I do it, because I think my way is right...if I didn't think that, I wouldn't be doing it that way, right?...I had no way of knowing what I would be like married until I got married...but I guess I should've known that I would be somewhat of a control freak. I like everything in it's spot. I am a very methodical person. I do things with very particular reasons for doing them the way I do them, and things that my husband does or doesn't do just do not make sense to me.
Like, the other day, he made his lunch and he put his 'naked' sandwich right into his lunchpail without being in a baggie, I wouldn'd dream of such things. Silly, huh? Why am I sweating the small stuff? I wanted so badly to put it in a baggie and go on and on about it for ever, but this time at least, I let it go...you can see I am still appalled about it though, as I am now bringing it up once again. Why does it bother me? It's not my sandwich...I really don't understand it myself.
Proverbs 14:1 says that "a wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I feel so convicted...I major on the minors all the time. The thought occurred to me today that I need to know how to build up my son as well, I need to learn how to build up my husband and that will help my son as well.
It's all about the words submission and respect. That is what the word of God calls us to do as wives. That is what our husbands need. I realized today how I have failed terribly in this area and I was undone. I realized that I was so afraid to put myself in the "power" of someone else, but realized too, that I am not in my husband's hands so much as I am in my Heavenly Father's hands. I do not like the idea of submitting. Of course, I do it everyday without a thought...why is it so much harder to submit to my husband than the rules of the road, or my boss at work, or the government, etcetera? Why does he garner so much less respect than the man down the street that doesn't have to put up with me everyday? It really does not make sense why we kick against this concept in our marriages, but don't have a problem with it elsewhere in our lives.
God knows how this marriage thing is to work, after all, it is His idea. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight."
Like, the other day, he made his lunch and he put his 'naked' sandwich right into his lunchpail without being in a baggie, I wouldn'd dream of such things. Silly, huh? Why am I sweating the small stuff? I wanted so badly to put it in a baggie and go on and on about it for ever, but this time at least, I let it go...you can see I am still appalled about it though, as I am now bringing it up once again. Why does it bother me? It's not my sandwich...I really don't understand it myself.
Proverbs 14:1 says that "a wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I feel so convicted...I major on the minors all the time. The thought occurred to me today that I need to know how to build up my son as well, I need to learn how to build up my husband and that will help my son as well.
It's all about the words submission and respect. That is what the word of God calls us to do as wives. That is what our husbands need. I realized today how I have failed terribly in this area and I was undone. I realized that I was so afraid to put myself in the "power" of someone else, but realized too, that I am not in my husband's hands so much as I am in my Heavenly Father's hands. I do not like the idea of submitting. Of course, I do it everyday without a thought...why is it so much harder to submit to my husband than the rules of the road, or my boss at work, or the government, etcetera? Why does he garner so much less respect than the man down the street that doesn't have to put up with me everyday? It really does not make sense why we kick against this concept in our marriages, but don't have a problem with it elsewhere in our lives.
God knows how this marriage thing is to work, after all, it is His idea. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight."
Women of Beauty
I just came back from a Bible study by Beth Moore on "Believing God". The thing that struck me tonight even before we got into the video portion of our Bible study was the seven woman that surrounded me there as we sat in a circle. Each one stunningly beautiful! it was their outsides as seen in their eyes and their smiles, their sweet spirits. Each one in a different place or season in their life. Each one at different ages. Each one with something to bring to the others. Their honesty, their heart, their encouragement for the others. Each one listening to the others with rapt interest. Each one sharing from their hearts. Each one authentic.
Some of the questions we talked about? Where do you go when you are stressed? We used a bike for an analogy...do you ride your bike home and say "no more"? Do you careen down the hill like a bat out of hell to race away from the difficulties and the pain? Do you hide under the covers and hope it will all go away? Do you yell and scream at the ones you love because they will take it? Do you talk things out in a sensible manner and then everything is okay? What movie would your life parallel? Which character is most like you and why? Which one of the seven dwarfs are you? It sort of sounds silly to relay these things, but it was cool. It was connection. It was getting past the facades that we all carry and allowing others to see us for who we really are. We so need that in our world today. To be known. To be understood. To be loved for who we are and for who are not.
I looked at each woman there...many, many different life experiences represented there. Much wisdom. Much pain. Big hearts. One lost her son when he was seventeen years old. Another is going through putting her husband in a home due to his violence after declining very quickly with Alzheimer's and another's mother's companion just commit suicide at 72 last week. Still another just had a baby several months ago and another just adopted a baby almost a year ago.
I was amazed at the beauty...both inside and out. I was amazed by the poignant questions and the funny, heart wrenching, and heart felt answers. Each one was beautiful and each one showed different measures of grace. Of concern. Of wanting to go deeper and understand each other, ourselves and our God.
I left with the hope that I too can be full of love like that. Full of grace to offer to not just some, but all, freely as God does. I left with the desire to understand my God better and to see His beauty even more. To open my heart and not just observe from the outside, not be afraid to enter, even if it means getting hurt. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Tennyson.
We are all unique and yet we have so much in common if we take the time to look. We are all human at our core with many of the same needs, the same insecurities, the same frustrations, the same need to understand and be understood. The same need to be accepted and loved.
I want to be who I really am without pretense, without shame, without apology. I want to share my authentic self and not be afraid to tell you who I really am out of fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being understood. Fear of failure of not meeting up to your expectations. I want to be a gracious woman who loves hugely, who believes wholeheartedly, who is without pretension, who seeks to encourage and affirm, who fails and yet is able to forget others failures and forgive. One who is without guile. One who is approachable, warm, and light hearted. One who can laugh and then cry without apology. One who is who she says she is. These women inspire me and encourage me. Yes, I want to join the ranks of these beautiful women. I want to be a woman of beauty!
Some of the questions we talked about? Where do you go when you are stressed? We used a bike for an analogy...do you ride your bike home and say "no more"? Do you careen down the hill like a bat out of hell to race away from the difficulties and the pain? Do you hide under the covers and hope it will all go away? Do you yell and scream at the ones you love because they will take it? Do you talk things out in a sensible manner and then everything is okay? What movie would your life parallel? Which character is most like you and why? Which one of the seven dwarfs are you? It sort of sounds silly to relay these things, but it was cool. It was connection. It was getting past the facades that we all carry and allowing others to see us for who we really are. We so need that in our world today. To be known. To be understood. To be loved for who we are and for who are not.
I looked at each woman there...many, many different life experiences represented there. Much wisdom. Much pain. Big hearts. One lost her son when he was seventeen years old. Another is going through putting her husband in a home due to his violence after declining very quickly with Alzheimer's and another's mother's companion just commit suicide at 72 last week. Still another just had a baby several months ago and another just adopted a baby almost a year ago.
I was amazed at the beauty...both inside and out. I was amazed by the poignant questions and the funny, heart wrenching, and heart felt answers. Each one was beautiful and each one showed different measures of grace. Of concern. Of wanting to go deeper and understand each other, ourselves and our God.
I left with the hope that I too can be full of love like that. Full of grace to offer to not just some, but all, freely as God does. I left with the desire to understand my God better and to see His beauty even more. To open my heart and not just observe from the outside, not be afraid to enter, even if it means getting hurt. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Tennyson.
We are all unique and yet we have so much in common if we take the time to look. We are all human at our core with many of the same needs, the same insecurities, the same frustrations, the same need to understand and be understood. The same need to be accepted and loved.
I want to be who I really am without pretense, without shame, without apology. I want to share my authentic self and not be afraid to tell you who I really am out of fear of rejection, fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being understood. Fear of failure of not meeting up to your expectations. I want to be a gracious woman who loves hugely, who believes wholeheartedly, who is without pretension, who seeks to encourage and affirm, who fails and yet is able to forget others failures and forgive. One who is without guile. One who is approachable, warm, and light hearted. One who can laugh and then cry without apology. One who is who she says she is. These women inspire me and encourage me. Yes, I want to join the ranks of these beautiful women. I want to be a woman of beauty!
Monday, March 7, 2011
What Is My Reward?
What do we really think God means when He says, "He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him?" What is that reward? What would I like it to be? We all have our ideas of what we would like if we follow God, if we are "good". You know what I mean..."I've been a good christian, why doesn't God give me this job promotion that I want?" "I've saved myself all these years for my spouse, why does our marriage have to have trouble?" or "I've obeyed God in tithing, why are we struggling financially?" We ask so many questions because in our minds when we do what God says we feel that He owes us some things to make our life easier or more comfortable. When God talks about rewarding those that diligiently seek Him, He is saying that He will reward us with His presence. What greater reward can be found than to have God's very presence with us? Do we really believe that that is the best reward I can get? Do we really even want that reward, is it enough? Or do we need God's presence plus all these other things that we think we need or want?
Lord, I admit that there have been many times that I have not been convinced that You are enough...I want that to be true in my life though...reveal the truth to me. If you won't go with me, then I will not go.
Pastor Don reminded me again yesterday of one of my favorite quotes, "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still." Betsy Ten Boom said this while she was in a German prison camp for the Jews. Talk about the degradation, sorrow, and heart break she endured.
We do not measure the goodness of God by our experierences- He is good all the time even when we cannot see it. Even when we are not convinced of it.
Knowing God is the reward! The only difference between me and someone else, is the presence of God in my life and that is not my own doing so that I cannot boast! It would do us well to remember who makes us who we are in the first place.
"The earth is full of burning bushes for those that have eyes to see; everyone else is picking berries." Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Lord, open my eyes to see beyond what my temporal eyes can see...I want to see into the spirit...to see the burning bushes of meeting with you so that I can experience you more intimately, more deeply, more fully now and in eternity.
Lord, I admit that there have been many times that I have not been convinced that You are enough...I want that to be true in my life though...reveal the truth to me. If you won't go with me, then I will not go.
Pastor Don reminded me again yesterday of one of my favorite quotes, "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still." Betsy Ten Boom said this while she was in a German prison camp for the Jews. Talk about the degradation, sorrow, and heart break she endured.
We do not measure the goodness of God by our experierences- He is good all the time even when we cannot see it. Even when we are not convinced of it.
Knowing God is the reward! The only difference between me and someone else, is the presence of God in my life and that is not my own doing so that I cannot boast! It would do us well to remember who makes us who we are in the first place.
"The earth is full of burning bushes for those that have eyes to see; everyone else is picking berries." Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Lord, open my eyes to see beyond what my temporal eyes can see...I want to see into the spirit...to see the burning bushes of meeting with you so that I can experience you more intimately, more deeply, more fully now and in eternity.
My Divinely Dreamy Dad
My dad says that He loves me with an everlasting love...He says He will never leave me or forsake me...He says He is for me and not against me...He says He knows the plans He has for me, to prosper me and not to harm me to give me a future and a hope...that He created me, that I was not hidden from Him...He says that what is evil He means for good!
These are only a fraction of His thoughts towards me. If I would believe fully in the core of my being even just a few of these truths how my life would change, how my response to those around me would change as I lived fully out of that love.
Most of us can identify with an imperfect earthly dad. Our heavenly father is not like any other dad. He is not like our dad or anyone's else's. He is more perfect, more loving, mo' betta' than the best dad that we have ever met...will we choose to believe that He is who He says He is? Will we choose to believe that He can do what He says He can do? He is fully trustworthy. There is no dad on the face of this planet that is more divine, more dreamy, than our heavenly dad. I will choose to trust Him and to rest in Him- He can handle whatever I am going through. He can handle my questions, my doubts, my fears. He can take whatever I can dish out in my sorrow and anguish. He wants what is in my heart- everything. He can take ashes and bring forth beauty everytime. Now that is a dream dad for sure!
These are only a fraction of His thoughts towards me. If I would believe fully in the core of my being even just a few of these truths how my life would change, how my response to those around me would change as I lived fully out of that love.
Most of us can identify with an imperfect earthly dad. Our heavenly father is not like any other dad. He is not like our dad or anyone's else's. He is more perfect, more loving, mo' betta' than the best dad that we have ever met...will we choose to believe that He is who He says He is? Will we choose to believe that He can do what He says He can do? He is fully trustworthy. There is no dad on the face of this planet that is more divine, more dreamy, than our heavenly dad. I will choose to trust Him and to rest in Him- He can handle whatever I am going through. He can handle my questions, my doubts, my fears. He can take whatever I can dish out in my sorrow and anguish. He wants what is in my heart- everything. He can take ashes and bring forth beauty everytime. Now that is a dream dad for sure!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
BEING FRIENDS
My name is Alyssa and I just turned fourteen-years-old last November. We live on a farm in Vermont
Smith Road
Smith Road
One day this past summer we had an incident. I’m not even sure how it all started, but I was on the phone with Tanya and out of nowhere she blurts out to me that my friend Sarah thought I was fat! We had been friends forever and I couldn’t figure out what had gotten into her. And, why would Tanya tell me a thing like that? I was so disappointed that she would think that about me, I felt crushed and humiliated, like an old piece of fruit on a dirty sidewalk. I didn’t want to speak to Sarah and so I didn’t for days.
When I would see her at school I would avoid her at all costs, duck into the restroom or hide behind my locker door. Then one day she cornered me at my locker when I was looking through my backpack to find my notebook for my next class…
”What’s gotten into you Alyssa?” “I haven’t talked to you in days; you have been avoiding me since last Monday, what’s up?”
I could feel my heart pounding and my face getting red, but I told her I was just fine.
“You’re not fine, Alyssa, I can see that, what’s eating at you anyway?”
All of a sudden I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I blurted out in a rush, “Tanya told me that you said I was fat!”
“What?”
“That’s ridiculous! I never said any such thing! You didn’t?”
”No!”
I just stood there trying to figure it all out. I ran all the way home from the bus stop and flew into the kitchen. Mom had some warm cookies that she had just finished baking so I sat down at the kitchen table to have one. I was quiet when mom interrupted my thoughts and asked me how my day was.
“Fine,” I said, not really looking at her, my eyes down at my feet.
“Is there something you need to talk about?” Mom asked as she took opened the oven door to check on the biscuits.
“Well, Tanya told me that Sarah said I was fat and then I talked to Sarah today and she said she never said that. I don’t get it, why would she say something like that?”
“Maybe she’s jealous.”
“What would she be jealous about?”
“I don’t know, but you aren’t fat, honey. You’ll get it all worked out, I just know it.”
Mom took the biscuits out of the oven and I ran up to my room to change my clothes. My job was to brush our horse, Runner Up, and then help with cleaning up after dinner. As I was putting on my work clothes, I looked in the mirror. Gosh, I am looking a little chubby. I better have only half a biscuit for dinner and no more after school cookies either.
I ran downstairs to get Runner up brushed and I breathed a quick prayer that God would help me with this situation. As the kitchen door slammed behind me I looked up and there was none other than Tanya!
“Tanya, what are you doing here? I asked.
“I thought I’d come and see what you were up to.”
“Oh, I’m just doin’ chores.” I wasn’t nearly as talkative as usual given the situation. She followed me into the barn and sat on a bale of hay while I proceeded to brush my horse. I could tell that she wanted to say something.
“Alyssa, I need to apologize.”
I concentrated on brushing Runner Up, I really didn’t want to look Tanya in the eye. When she started to apologize, I turned toward her.
“I was wrong in what I said to you on the phone the other day. I told you that Sarah had said you were fat, but that wasn’t true. I made it up.”
“Why would you make something like that up?”
“I guess I was feeling jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“I was afraid that you would want to hang out with Sarah more than me and so I figured if I said she said something mean, you wouldn’t want to hang out with her so much and you’d want to hang out with me more. I wasn’t very nice, I was wrong, I’m sorry. I know that you and Sarah are ‘best friends’ and I wish that we could be too.”
“Oh Tanya, we are, we are! Our friendship is different, because every friendship is different, but you are a very good friend and nothing is going to change that! You and I enjoy so many fun things like horses and art and just hanging out. I wouldn’t want to lose that!”
“Will you forgive me, Alyssa?”
“You’re forgiven Tanya.” Alyssa said smiling warmly. “Tanya, how about staying over for dinner tonight, my Mom has made some homemade buttermilk biscuits and we could share one along with the chicken dinner?”
“I’d like that, let me call my Mom and see if it’s okay with her.”
“Cool, thanks Alyssa, you’re a good friend.”
“You are too Tanya!”
“Hey, how about we call Sarah and see what she is up to, it would be fun to play games after dinner since it’s not a school night, maybe our parent’s would even let us have a slumber party at my house,” said Alyssa excitedly.
“Oh, that would be so much fun. You call Sarah, Alyssa, and I will call my Mom and see if it’s okay.”
“Okay, we better be quick before my Mom calls us for dinner…”
Reminders of Beauty
Reminders of Beauty
When I was about twelve-years-old our family lived on an old farm on
Button Bay State Park Road inVermont America
Button Bay State Park Road in
I think it is there that I learned to love riding bikes. My bike was a red three speed, a "blue light special" as some obnoxious and irritating kids had informed me while I was going to the laundromat with a big black trash bag full of laundry balancing on my handlebars a few years before. I didn't care though; it gave me freedom to roam as far as I could pedal. Right before I took a left out of our driveway I would say hi to #326, a Holstein cow. The ol' gal and I had an understanding, she would listen and I would talk her ear off. I loved to ride along and see the meadows and trees lining my way. I would frequently ride after school and enjoy the fresh air blowing through my hair as I sped along as fast as my little legs would take me. I could bike for miles and miles and would often go and go just to see what was around the next bend or just to see how many miles I could conquer. One of my favorite places to stop and linger was on the left side of our road probably about two miles away from our house or just down the road a piece as they say in Vermont
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Adoption Decree
So, this past Wednesday our foster son became our adopted son simply by the decree of a judge in a court room. He asked my husband and I if we were willling to take on the responsibility for this child now and forever into the future. We have been caring and raising our son since April 16, 2010 and this official decree took place on December 29, 2010. He is now officially our heir. He now has all rights as our son!
So many parallels with our relationship with our God. We are the children of God, but it is not until we receive Christ that God (the judge) honors what Christ has done on our behalf and then calls us the children of God. He decrees it. He takes full responsibility for us at that point. Even when we mess up, fail, and do do stupid stuff...he is still our father and we are still his children. We receive all the benefits of being called the children of God. Eternal life. The abundant life. Provision. Peace. Inner joy.
Being a parent sure has given me a greater glimpse into the heart of God for his children! I think about my son...when he does something wrong at nine months old, do I think, "you should have known better." No! I realize that he has a lot of growing up and learning to do. He is immature. I do not expect him to act like an adult at this age...I give him grace and patiently teach him what he needs to learn step by step. That is what our father does for us! He knows that we are dust. He knows our frailities and is not surprised when we fall down, fail, make horrific blunders...he knows we have a lot of growing up to do. He knows that we still need to mature in our faith and is willing to take us by the hand step by step and patiently teach us a different way. Wow, that amazes me that the God of the universe would take that kind of time with me and tenderly lead me where I need to go...
Just as my son does not ask where his next meal is going to come from and how are we going to afford it and how are we going to keep this roof over our heads...he trusts to the point that it never even enters his mind. Do we trust our father like that? Completely...implicitly...totally? He is fully trustworthy! Think of that scripture that says if you give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to you? The lilies of the field do not toil, but yet they are arrayed in splendor that even King Solomon could not rival...wow! When we really, really get it...it will blow our mind!
So many parallels with our relationship with our God. We are the children of God, but it is not until we receive Christ that God (the judge) honors what Christ has done on our behalf and then calls us the children of God. He decrees it. He takes full responsibility for us at that point. Even when we mess up, fail, and do do stupid stuff...he is still our father and we are still his children. We receive all the benefits of being called the children of God. Eternal life. The abundant life. Provision. Peace. Inner joy.
Being a parent sure has given me a greater glimpse into the heart of God for his children! I think about my son...when he does something wrong at nine months old, do I think, "you should have known better." No! I realize that he has a lot of growing up and learning to do. He is immature. I do not expect him to act like an adult at this age...I give him grace and patiently teach him what he needs to learn step by step. That is what our father does for us! He knows that we are dust. He knows our frailities and is not surprised when we fall down, fail, make horrific blunders...he knows we have a lot of growing up to do. He knows that we still need to mature in our faith and is willing to take us by the hand step by step and patiently teach us a different way. Wow, that amazes me that the God of the universe would take that kind of time with me and tenderly lead me where I need to go...
Just as my son does not ask where his next meal is going to come from and how are we going to afford it and how are we going to keep this roof over our heads...he trusts to the point that it never even enters his mind. Do we trust our father like that? Completely...implicitly...totally? He is fully trustworthy! Think of that scripture that says if you give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to you? The lilies of the field do not toil, but yet they are arrayed in splendor that even King Solomon could not rival...wow! When we really, really get it...it will blow our mind!
The Cross
I am reading the book of Colossians and have remained there for some time. I keep re-reading it over and over...there is so much in there! Here, I will write my thoughts of the truths that I am seeing...
So, Paul is an apostle of Jesus by the will of God. We are in His kingdom by His will! This is not by happenstance! We are chosen. We are loved. In verse 5 Paul talks about "the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you (me, us) in heaven." We have hope because we know where we are going. We know our final destination. We have a purpose for the journey when we know where we will end up. It gives us direction. It tells us who to follow in order to get there, Jesus. It says later in the text that Jesus is the firstborn of from among the dead (vs 18). So, He is the one that points us to our home. This gives us hope when we are struggling. When we are hurting and in pain. When we don't understand. We still have hope and we know who to look to to get us home. Not only does He show us the way, but He also provides the way, "He is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me." He is our hope.
"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing..." What is the gospel, it the GOOD NEWS of Jesus. He has provided us with a way to escape our sin and the result of our sin by taking our sin upon Himself and acquitting us. Taking our guilt from off of us and putting it on Himself. I, for one, cannot save myself. I have seen the messes that I get myself in by trying to do things in my own understanding, which is faulty and skewed to my self. I have tried to change different destructive patterns in my life to no avail. I have no power to save myself apart from the one that created me and empowers me to change by His Spirit. The cross was the greatest triumph in the spiritual realm. It may have appeared to be a stupid plan, a ridiculous plan, and maybe even a destructive or senseless plan. Satan thought he had God now, that he won because Christ was destroyed, annihilated, done away with. He did not bank on the fact that Jesus would rise from the dead conquering death itself. What appeared to be one of the greatest tragedies of all, brought life to the world and defeated satan's plan and death itself. This is true in our lives as well. Some of the greatest hardships, the most terrible tragedies, and horrible situations- our "crosses" bring about some of the most victorious moments. The strength of the human spirit that is filled with the love of Christ. Forgiveness, peace in spite of pain, deep joy even in great despair, none can be explained in human terms, only in the redeeming work and triumph of The Cross! We see news all around us of the heinous crimes being committed often against Christians in many countries- the oppression of believers in China, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, etcetera and yet their blood cries out for justice, their prayers and the prayers of those left behind do not go unheeded by their Father God! Out of these circumstances, the gospel is bearing more fruit and growing more than it would have in great peace. Think about the actual Bible and how it is one of the only books that has survived throughout the ages, "God's word does not return void." Truly, it is still here in spite of years of persecution of it's believers and many who would like to destroy it. That alone is a miracle beyond understanding!
The next few verses focus on the prayers that Paul prayed for the Colossians. Prayers that we would do well to pray for those that we love as well. First he says that, "we have not stopped praying for you..." Wow! Wouldn't we all love to know that there is someone out there who has not stopped praying for us. Have you ever noticed that most unbelievers are still agreeable and comforted to know that someone is praying for them? We all need to know that someone would take the time to pray for us and to know that there is someone greater than us looking out for us! We do have someone who will never stop praying for us and that is Jesus Himself. He is our personal intercessor...mediating on our behalf. We cannot ask for a better intercessor than that!
So, what did Paul pray for the Colossians?
1. That you may live a life worthy of the Lord
2. That you may please Him in every way.
3. That you may bear fruit in every good work;
4. That you may grow in the knowledge of God;
5. That you may be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might;
6. So that you may have great endurance and patience;
7. And joyfully give thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the
kingdom of light.
8. That you would remember that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves.
9. In whom we have redemption and the forgiveness of sins.
Do you want those things? Sometimes it is just that we don't think we are worthy or we can't live up to God's expectations. I was thinking yesterday how we don't have to be perfect for God- He already knows us better than anyone else does and He is not surprised by the things we do or say- in fact, He already knows what we are going to do or say. He knows already that we are not perfect. It's like when you have a child and they act like a child because they are immature. As a parent, you expect your child to be immature...you don't expect them to be perfect...do you love them less? No! You expect this and you patiently teach them! They learn through failures don't they? Just like us, God's children. We are called children for a reason! We have much to learn...
As far as worthy...we are not...that's why Jesus came, to proclaim us worthy by His sacrifice! He made a way when there seemed like there would be no way! He is a miracle worker like that- He can make streams in the desert, He is God! We have to believe that we are now worthy because of what Christ has done. We do not have to walk with our head hanging and our feet dragging. We are worthy just because Christ said so! The only thing that we need to do is believe it! (As easy and as hard as that). The beautiful thing is that Christ helps us from start to finish...He softens our hearts, helps us believe, and sustains us through it all. That list is definitely what I have prayed for myself many times...to just get all that Christ has done on my behalf. I am convinced that is we really, really believe who God says He is and believe everything that He says, our lives would look radically different. Our lives would exhibit less self-pity, less fear of man and less fear in general, less self-interest, less wasted time, etcetera. If we truly believed in the power of prayer, wouldn't our prayers be more frequent, more fervent, more fiery? Do we really believe what we say believe? Why does our life resemble the lives of those around us so much? Shouldn't we stand out that people would see something that makes us "shine like stars in a wicked and perverse generation?
So, Paul is an apostle of Jesus by the will of God. We are in His kingdom by His will! This is not by happenstance! We are chosen. We are loved. In verse 5 Paul talks about "the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you (me, us) in heaven." We have hope because we know where we are going. We know our final destination. We have a purpose for the journey when we know where we will end up. It gives us direction. It tells us who to follow in order to get there, Jesus. It says later in the text that Jesus is the firstborn of from among the dead (vs 18). So, He is the one that points us to our home. This gives us hope when we are struggling. When we are hurting and in pain. When we don't understand. We still have hope and we know who to look to to get us home. Not only does He show us the way, but He also provides the way, "He is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me." He is our hope.
"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing..." What is the gospel, it the GOOD NEWS of Jesus. He has provided us with a way to escape our sin and the result of our sin by taking our sin upon Himself and acquitting us. Taking our guilt from off of us and putting it on Himself. I, for one, cannot save myself. I have seen the messes that I get myself in by trying to do things in my own understanding, which is faulty and skewed to my self. I have tried to change different destructive patterns in my life to no avail. I have no power to save myself apart from the one that created me and empowers me to change by His Spirit. The cross was the greatest triumph in the spiritual realm. It may have appeared to be a stupid plan, a ridiculous plan, and maybe even a destructive or senseless plan. Satan thought he had God now, that he won because Christ was destroyed, annihilated, done away with. He did not bank on the fact that Jesus would rise from the dead conquering death itself. What appeared to be one of the greatest tragedies of all, brought life to the world and defeated satan's plan and death itself. This is true in our lives as well. Some of the greatest hardships, the most terrible tragedies, and horrible situations- our "crosses" bring about some of the most victorious moments. The strength of the human spirit that is filled with the love of Christ. Forgiveness, peace in spite of pain, deep joy even in great despair, none can be explained in human terms, only in the redeeming work and triumph of The Cross! We see news all around us of the heinous crimes being committed often against Christians in many countries- the oppression of believers in China, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, etcetera and yet their blood cries out for justice, their prayers and the prayers of those left behind do not go unheeded by their Father God! Out of these circumstances, the gospel is bearing more fruit and growing more than it would have in great peace. Think about the actual Bible and how it is one of the only books that has survived throughout the ages, "God's word does not return void." Truly, it is still here in spite of years of persecution of it's believers and many who would like to destroy it. That alone is a miracle beyond understanding!
The next few verses focus on the prayers that Paul prayed for the Colossians. Prayers that we would do well to pray for those that we love as well. First he says that, "we have not stopped praying for you..." Wow! Wouldn't we all love to know that there is someone out there who has not stopped praying for us. Have you ever noticed that most unbelievers are still agreeable and comforted to know that someone is praying for them? We all need to know that someone would take the time to pray for us and to know that there is someone greater than us looking out for us! We do have someone who will never stop praying for us and that is Jesus Himself. He is our personal intercessor...mediating on our behalf. We cannot ask for a better intercessor than that!
So, what did Paul pray for the Colossians?
1. That you may live a life worthy of the Lord
2. That you may please Him in every way.
3. That you may bear fruit in every good work;
4. That you may grow in the knowledge of God;
5. That you may be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might;
6. So that you may have great endurance and patience;
7. And joyfully give thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the
kingdom of light.
8. That you would remember that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves.
9. In whom we have redemption and the forgiveness of sins.
Do you want those things? Sometimes it is just that we don't think we are worthy or we can't live up to God's expectations. I was thinking yesterday how we don't have to be perfect for God- He already knows us better than anyone else does and He is not surprised by the things we do or say- in fact, He already knows what we are going to do or say. He knows already that we are not perfect. It's like when you have a child and they act like a child because they are immature. As a parent, you expect your child to be immature...you don't expect them to be perfect...do you love them less? No! You expect this and you patiently teach them! They learn through failures don't they? Just like us, God's children. We are called children for a reason! We have much to learn...
As far as worthy...we are not...that's why Jesus came, to proclaim us worthy by His sacrifice! He made a way when there seemed like there would be no way! He is a miracle worker like that- He can make streams in the desert, He is God! We have to believe that we are now worthy because of what Christ has done. We do not have to walk with our head hanging and our feet dragging. We are worthy just because Christ said so! The only thing that we need to do is believe it! (As easy and as hard as that). The beautiful thing is that Christ helps us from start to finish...He softens our hearts, helps us believe, and sustains us through it all. That list is definitely what I have prayed for myself many times...to just get all that Christ has done on my behalf. I am convinced that is we really, really believe who God says He is and believe everything that He says, our lives would look radically different. Our lives would exhibit less self-pity, less fear of man and less fear in general, less self-interest, less wasted time, etcetera. If we truly believed in the power of prayer, wouldn't our prayers be more frequent, more fervent, more fiery? Do we really believe what we say believe? Why does our life resemble the lives of those around us so much? Shouldn't we stand out that people would see something that makes us "shine like stars in a wicked and perverse generation?
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