Mind Meanderings...

I am tired tonight...often I feel quite good throughout the day as I tackle homeschooling our nearly seven-year-old son and cleaning up the mini messes and not so mini disasters of our nearly two-year-old.  Then today, I look up toward the ceiling in the kitchen for whatever reason and there I find a newfound leak bubbling into the shape of a water balloon longing to burst.  So a call to hubby to alert him, change my plans for finishing science, trying to get homemade pizzas somewhat pre-made as we also have an appointment and a couple of errands to do before coming home for dinner.  You know how it goes...one thing after another, some days it seems like nothing can be easy.  I was just talking to God the other day about that...in the midst of great frustration after one small thing after another turned into a trying test of patience I blurted right out loud to him, "Why can't anything ever be easy Lord"?  Some days are just like that...

Anyway, my son and hubby were watching a kid's show and after I began to notice my legs aching, I decided to take a hot bath to relax and draw out the kinks.  As I soaked, a family member came to mind...prayers for mercy, for healing, for hope poured out like the water gushing out of the faucet.  I was convicted of my own wrongdoing and wondered for the billionth time why and what and where to go from here...so many questions and so many haunting unanswerables...

My mind wandered to the Scripture my son and I have revisited again to memorize..."Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love NEVER fails.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  Like NEVER EVER.  God is love, without him, we cannot hope to love like that.  We fail over and over again, daily, hourly...I have failed to love this person well, but am at a loss as to how to to do that.  I prayed for wisdom in the situation.  I prayed for forgiveness for my part once again and for the strength to love well.  To not keep record of wrongs done, to be patient.  But, my heart remains sad...a daily sadness that hovers over me sometimes like a light spring jacket and other times like a heavy wet wool...

We live in a world of sin and horrible brokenness.  Just look at the news at any hour of every day and you and I will be reminded of this tragic fact...accidents, murders, sex trafficking, missing children, lying, cheating and stealing abounds and it can leave a soul parched for something...sometimes we walk around so thirsty, we can barely get through a day due to dehydration.  A lack of encouragement, a lack of Living Water for our desperate souls.  God knows the pain of the earth.  He sees our struggle day after day.  I bet there are times he longs to scoop up those who love him and take away all the angst, but instead comforts us with his words of peace, of love and of our home that awaits just beyond the clouds.  Oh, some days, those imaginations of what heaven will be like light my fire, get me through another hard thing and help me to stay the course that I am on.

We press on for the high calling...we keep going knowing that this present tribulation is not to be compared with the joy that will come (my paraphrase).  To press on indicates there will be struggle and God's Word does say, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world".  Pressing means you have to exert yourself, there will be resistance.  But we press on with God's strength each and every day.  And on this Word I will continue to hope!

The Generations...

Last night I found myself binging on Cheez-Its while watching a show on Parenthood.  I saw our family in the episodes being played out...the siblings questions, the parent's own mistakes and the sins and dysfunctions of the children and grandchildren...as the world turns...

Josiah and I read in the Bible nearly everyday...we just finished the book of Daniel today and started the Book of Hosea...and there we see the siblings questions as in Joseph's story, where jealousy plays out, where parent's mistakes play out all through the Old Testament with David and Bathsheba, Nabal and his wife, and the list could go on and on and the children who fall into deception and sin...even God's first children (with a perfect parent) are deceived and the course of the future is set; sin is in the heart of every man and with it comes great and terrible heartache....

Heartache to be passed on from generation to generation, the sins of our fathers to the third and fourth generations...

How do we extricate ourselves from the pain?  How do we change and not become a victim, hurting ourselves over and over in the process and not being able to move forward?  How do we even recognize when we are the ones that need to need to change?  We are blinded by our self deception and denial.  "Who will deliver us from this body of death, but thanks be to God who always leads us in triumphal procession!"   I think triumph may look different to God than it does to us...triumph is not the world's version or vision of success.  We think of those who have money, fame, fortune or popularity as successful but many are harboring secret sins, despairing of a meaningless and purposeless existence (If not then why all the drugs, alcohol and suicides among those in Hollywood).  The age old ache of our soul, the questions without answers, all meant, I believe, to lead us to the answers...and it's not simply "Blowing in the Wind" (unless you are referring to the wind of God's spirit).  Our discontentment, our disillusionment and our often low-level if not full-blown depression should drive us to the manufacturer, the Creator of you and of me.  What are the manufacturer's recommended instructions for the proper use and care of our bodies and our souls?  The Word of God reveals the answers if we would have the patience to read them and not just rush headlong thinking we already know what to do, don't have the time to refer to the manual...what often happens when we do not follow the instructions when putting something together or don't follow a recipe as written...sometimes it will turn out okay, but then there are other times we are stressed if it is going to work out or it just plain flops and we get irritated with ourselves for not following the directions...

It is pretty simple really and yet the hardest thing we will ever do; follow and trust...

Waiting well...

We are waiting for something that is life-changing to our whole family.  How many of us wait well?  I am not a patient person by nature.  We have been waiting for this baby bundle ever since January of 2011.   We have been waiting to move on with our life. So much seems to hinge on this that we have been left in a holding pattern for far too long.  Someone told me this weekend that one of the most difficult stressors is just this, waiting for the unknown... How is it going to happen, when is it going to happen...will it ever happen...so many questions yet to be answered.

I feel the stress of waiting and not knowing even if it is going to happen.  I am frustrated in the wait.  Many days I am at peace, but there is this languishing and longing that presses on my heart relentlessly.  How does one pray for something so elusive, so nebulous?  How does one pray when one does not even know if it will happen or even whether it is supposed to happen?  I guess that is true for so many things in our lives...but we press on and we pray on...precisely because we do not know the future, but to be a bit trite; we know who holds the future!

I turn forty-eight this next birthday, just a month away...much older than a typical mother-in-waiting.  Our son is now going to be five in April.  Time is marching on and leaving our dreams in the shadows.  

But God is God and we are not.  He knows perfectly what He is up to, we just wish He would let us in on it.  Are we to continue waiting or are we to say enough?  It feels as though we have had enough waiting and wondering and wishing for a lifetime.  But, the funny thing is, there will always be something else to wait for; maybe not as seemingly life-changing, but just as important for us at that time, I'm sure.  So, maybe the prayer we need to pray is, "Lord, help us wait well" and "May we be ready for whatever answer you would have for us when it is time for us to know it".

And to that end, we wait...

Elias!

After a very long wait and almost giving up, the mystery child is now here and part of our family.  He was born April 27th and that very day he became a part of our family forever!  As with Josiah, we had very little time to prepare as we got the call from the social worker the very day he was born.  We were asked to get to him as quickly as we could, we had to gather our things and go two hours away from home.  We talked about names on the way.  Josiah was smiling from ear to ear!  We were all so excited.  When we arrived, he was in the care of the social worker at her office as his birth mother had left the hospital already.  He was beautiful and of course brought this mom to tears.

Now, all we had to do was wait, that's right, wait with the little cutie with us in the hotel.  At this point, the birth parent's had 72 hours to change their minds.  We were told that that was unlikely but there is always a chance.  So, we went home and rested and got to know this little guy.  We went swimming with Josiah and enjoyed the hot tubs (taking turns of course).  The next day we went to a children's museum in the area, went out to lunch and got used to having a baby again.  

We talked over the next days and hours of our feelings...feelings about having a Hispanic little boy and how we would handle it if his birth parent's changed their minds.  We were trying to hold him loosely, wanting the very best for him and not for ourselves.

We were in contact with the social worker during this time.  After two days we decided on Elias as it is a derivative of Elijah and yet has a Spanish ring to it as well to honor his heritage too.  The two boys share the same middle name as a way to connect the two of them further.

On the morning of the third day, the social worker was to meet with the birth parent's and have them sign the paperwork to relinquish this child from their care.  We of course were anxious and wondering what the final outcome would be.  We went to a music store and bought a smaller guitar for Josiah (that I could play at the campfires when we go camping).  While we were there the SW texted us and said, "Congratulations, Elias has found his forever family".  It gives me chills even as I write this twenty months later!  His birth parent's really liked his name and were grateful that we loved their boy.  We expressed gratitude that they chose life for this boy!

After a five year wait, he has now been with us for twenty months and what a precious little boy he is!  How can anyone thank someone for a gift like this?  Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gifts!

Deeply Loved

I was listening to an audio book yesterday while cleaning out the refrigerator called "The Broken Way"by Ann Voskamp.  She is such a descriptive writer!  In the sixth chapter she writes about an idea that I had never thought of before.  The fact that we often talk about believing in God, but that he also believes in us!  Wow!  He knows us better than anyone does since he created us and he also knows what we will face from day to day.  He knows that he is enough for whatever comes our way and he believes in us that we can hold on and even more than merely that, thrive!  He is our righteous judge, our advocate cheering us on whether we think we are succeeding or feel as though we are just a moment away from giving up, throwing in our towel...He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you", Hebrews 13:5.  His acceptance does not depend on whether we have it all together but that he does have it all together!

An issue that has faced me throughout my life that I cannot make heads or tales no matter how much I try to understand always plagues me in the back of my mind.  It is difficult to let it go...to not get down on myself for it.  I may never come to grasp on all the whys in this life time, but I do know that God knows!  He gets me and the situation, he knows my heart.  Though I have this "thorn in my side" that bruises and breaks my heart on a regular basis, his eyes turn toward mine with great compassion and says, "I know and I see your heart; you  have nothing to fear".

I have not felt believed in myself for much of my life.  I have always felt like I didn't fit, wasn't quite cool enough (whatever that is), not enough...Struggles keep me doubting myself and my abilities, leaving me insecure and wanting to hide in a closet somewhere sometimes.  But God!  The one who made me, the one who sees me, the one who holds and counts every tear, the one who created me also believes in me!  I am thankful for a God that is both powerful, able and willing to help me.  I can trust my just and righteous advocate to stand up for me to the accuser (s)!  I can leave it there and allow myself to do more than just survive, but to thrive until I meet my Savior, my cheerleader, my God face-to-face!  All I need to remind myself...whether it is every minute, every hour, every day;  however often I need to...I am deeply loved...and so are you!  Our God believes in us!  If we get that deep in our hearts, our spirits that is enough to live freely, boldly and fully alive!