I've been thinking about how mundane life can get...the same routine over and over again...how do we get a glimpse of our purpose on this earth? Maybe it's because I have been home since the arrival of our son back in April. I used to work and was involved with different people everyday. It was an extremely busy and fast-paced enviroment dealing with the handicapped and disabled. I worked to provide services for them in their homes- I trained the caregivers to care for them. It seemed like I was running every day. It's not that I am not busy at home- I am up early to try and start my day before our son wakes up. I try to shower, make the bed, and have a quiet time. I am quite fortunate that he doesn't get up until 10:00 a.m. on most days. But, if I don't do everything in an efficient manner, there goes my day. I also do medical transcription every day and that keeps me busy in the afternoons, hopefully I can do it around his naps most days, but again, if he is having a bad day or I have an unexpected visitor, etcetera then the rest of the afternoon is touch and go and dinner may not end up on the table as planned. I love being home and I love caring for my home although sometimes doing the same thing for the hundrendth time can get a little maddening...but overall I am content being a wife and mother, it is what I have always wanted to do and I am blessed that I get to have the opportunity. We do not have a lot of money, but then again, I am reminded that we have more money than the majority of the world. I will count my blessings, for I truly have many!
Life can be so mundane- as much as I like routine, that routine can be a noose around my neck at times. Sometimes I would like if God would direct me into something exciting, something that I just know is from Him and serves Him in a way that is so fulfilling that it is self-perpetuating...But, even the most exciting "call" would produce the same feelings at times- it too would become routine and therefore become mundane...
How do we keep excitement in our day to day life? The breath of the Holy Spirit blowing over us, through us, and in the midst of us. Wherever the power of the Holy Spirit is at work, we are gauranteed to not have a dull life. He is full of adventure. Full of life, abundant life actually. "Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things will be added unto you." "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall (will) direct your paths." Lord, come. I need Your spirit to blow over me today. Daddy show me just how much You love me. Fill me to overflowing with the power of Your Holy Spirit, and pour Your love in me that it would flow through me like an ever gushing fountain.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Adopted by the Father
I am the daughter of a King! There are many times I don't act like it. I haven't dressed like it. I haven't walked like it. I am not only loved, but liked by my Father. This morning my son got up at 5:30 in the morning...he was cold and fussy. I changed him and then gave him his bottle. As I sat with him this morning, I was praying that he would understand the love the Father has for him. We adopted him at six days old. Just the other day someone asked me if we have bonded...(hint: If you meet someone who has adopted, please don't ask them this question.) Anyway, that comment has stuck in my head ever since. There are times that I have wondered...I think just because it has been brought up- I'm not sure it would have occurred to me otherwise. After his bottle I put him up on my shoulder so I could burp him, he laid his head on my shoulder and our faces were side by side. It was a sweet moment with just him and me. I thought about how my Father has adopted me...I thought about how much love I have for my son, how I wish I could have birthed him so he would be "all mine." I thought of how trusting he is with us his Mom and Dad. We are predictable, we change him when he is wet or soiled, we feed him, we put him down for naps, we play with him, we take care of all his needs so that he doesn't have to worry and can focus on growing and learning. I really coudn't imagine life without our little one now...
Lord, I receive! I believe! Show me your love for me today, I want to be transformed in Your presence, in your peace. I want to hear Your voice as deep calls unto deep. My heart cries out for You, come and meet with me. Yes, I need You, but even more, I want You and You alone! You ARE my hiding place. Fill me Holy Spirit, fill me with Your fullness of joy! Fill me with so much of Your love that it overflows and spills onto everyone I meet, especially my husband and son. God is love...if I have not love, then I have to wonder whether I have God at all because He is love! Sometimes we think we have God, but I believe frequently we have a false imitation, not the real representation of Him, but a shadow of our own creation, which guess what? That is idolatry! Lord I want to see You in Your fullness, not what I think You are, but who You really are! "Having a form of godliness, but denying it's power." Yikes! I believe that is where many of us are...are we living in our own performance and a religious spirit to make it look like we are christians? We have well meaning hearts, but without the power of Almighty God, we've got nothing! We needed His power in the beginning when we received Him, why do we think we don't need Him everyday thereafter? Why do we think we can live a supernatural life on our own? We need the supernatural to accomplish and perform miracles in our midst- so many hurting people, so much evil- are we really going to come against all that with a mere performance, copying the real mccoy? We need the fullness of the spirit to move in and through us to truly be Christ to a dying world! Lord, help us to get our priorities right- without more of You, waiting in Your presence, hearing Your voice, how do we expect to get through one day ourselves and face the onslaughts of the enemy,let alone reach those around us that need hope, that need life and life more abundantly? Lord, I want it all- ALL that You have for me. I want to be done with my self absorption, done with my worrying about what other christians are going to say- done with the woe is me, my life has been hard or is hard or whatever. We as americans do not have a clue what hard is! As we sit on our couches watching tv and eating our snacks in our warm, comfortable homes while so much of the world doesn't have food, doesn't have a home, sleeps on a mat on a sidewalk, is used by perverts so that can get a litte bread...what do we really know about hardship? We can delude ourselves so fast by our petty problems. Lord, give me Your view, Your heart...help me to think like You do! "I must decrease and He must increase!" Lord, I don't know how to get closer to You, I can't make myself change, please work in me, cause me to "will and do Your good pleasure!" I want all that You have for me!!!!!!!!!!
Lord, I receive! I believe! Show me your love for me today, I want to be transformed in Your presence, in your peace. I want to hear Your voice as deep calls unto deep. My heart cries out for You, come and meet with me. Yes, I need You, but even more, I want You and You alone! You ARE my hiding place. Fill me Holy Spirit, fill me with Your fullness of joy! Fill me with so much of Your love that it overflows and spills onto everyone I meet, especially my husband and son. God is love...if I have not love, then I have to wonder whether I have God at all because He is love! Sometimes we think we have God, but I believe frequently we have a false imitation, not the real representation of Him, but a shadow of our own creation, which guess what? That is idolatry! Lord I want to see You in Your fullness, not what I think You are, but who You really are! "Having a form of godliness, but denying it's power." Yikes! I believe that is where many of us are...are we living in our own performance and a religious spirit to make it look like we are christians? We have well meaning hearts, but without the power of Almighty God, we've got nothing! We needed His power in the beginning when we received Him, why do we think we don't need Him everyday thereafter? Why do we think we can live a supernatural life on our own? We need the supernatural to accomplish and perform miracles in our midst- so many hurting people, so much evil- are we really going to come against all that with a mere performance, copying the real mccoy? We need the fullness of the spirit to move in and through us to truly be Christ to a dying world! Lord, help us to get our priorities right- without more of You, waiting in Your presence, hearing Your voice, how do we expect to get through one day ourselves and face the onslaughts of the enemy,let alone reach those around us that need hope, that need life and life more abundantly? Lord, I want it all- ALL that You have for me. I want to be done with my self absorption, done with my worrying about what other christians are going to say- done with the woe is me, my life has been hard or is hard or whatever. We as americans do not have a clue what hard is! As we sit on our couches watching tv and eating our snacks in our warm, comfortable homes while so much of the world doesn't have food, doesn't have a home, sleeps on a mat on a sidewalk, is used by perverts so that can get a litte bread...what do we really know about hardship? We can delude ourselves so fast by our petty problems. Lord, give me Your view, Your heart...help me to think like You do! "I must decrease and He must increase!" Lord, I don't know how to get closer to You, I can't make myself change, please work in me, cause me to "will and do Your good pleasure!" I want all that You have for me!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Knowing the Love of my Father
Yesterday was a hectic day- even though I am a stay-at-home mom it seems there is never enough time in a day. Sometimes I just don't know how pace myself and probably "waste" time talking to people, but I need that...Anyway, so I had to go out for a qpon class, came home, starting working on the medical transcription that I also have to do every day, I actually thought I was going to be done early when I had a very pleasant, but nevertheless, unexpected guest. She and I talked for probably an hour-and-a-half. Then I get back onto my work and I had this strange issue with my reports that I couldn't figure out how to get rid of this line along the left margin, so rather than utiilizing the template that I had created I had to resort to basically to starting all over, triple the work than I would've had. Then I go to make pasta for dinner to go along with my homemade tomato sauce and there is no pasta...my husband picked it up on his way home from work, but our time was crunched to get to our home group. Our son still needed to be fed, changed, and gotten ready to go as well as myself and my husband. So I was pretty exhaused, but still knew I wanted to go to home group, I was desperate to hear the heart of my God...things can get so busy that I feel empty inside. I needed to be filled up.
So we get there...as Dave is speaking I feel my emotion bubbling up so strongly that I cannot contain it...what was it about...I'm not entirely sure except that I long for my heart to know the love and grace of my Father as he was explaining. I feel tired of fighting...tired of trying to find my Father some days. I need Him and want Him so badly, but somtetimes He feels so elusive. Dave talked about how we will know how much of the Father's love we really have in how we treat others. Do we love them? Do we want our own way all the time? Do we talk about ourselves when we are with others? Do we put the other person first in our thoughts, conversations, actions, etcetera. The person we are currently with should be the one that we are putting first in that moment. Do we get offended easily? If we do then we are not truly walking in his love and truly receiving his grace, love, and acceptance into those deep hidden places. I feel sometimes like I am so wrestling with God (as well as others). I don't even understand my own heart sometimes. But the beauty is that I don't have to- God knows, He understands me, He sees the depth of my heart, He knows the hurts there that I cannot even express or articulate. My problem so often is that I have a lot of head knowledge, but it has not reached my emotions. We make decisions not really based on our thinking, but with our emotions. That's why we often do things that don't seem to match up with what we say. We are often surprised by what we do. I think that scripture that says, "The things I want to do I don't do and the things I don't want to do I do." How true is that?
How do we have our emotions changed? Through an encounter with our Father. Through a spiritual revelation that only comes through a one on one relationship with Jesus. We are so performance based, it is so insidious this spirit of religion. It's about how I have to DO something. I have to figure it out on my own. I have to understand. These are all things that I have to do, so therefore I am dependent on me and my abilities. It is a scary thing to have to trust someone else with our lives, our hearts, our deepest hurts. So, we try to fix it ourselves- as they say, "How is that working for you?" Not! I wear myself out trying. It is also idolatry. God is the one who made us, created our inmost beings, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.
So, a couple people get a Word from God for me...at this point I am crying- One says, "You don't have to slither to God, you can walk right up to Him, you are not deficient in any way." I wish I could remember more of what was prayed for me, but that is where I really am. Somehow, because of my sin, my failures, maybe even the rejection others have put upon me I have felt less than, not good enough...it's not always a conscience thing, but I do see it when I am around people- I often feel judged, like they are evaluating me and I am not measuring up.
The song that came to me right after the prayers was from Kim Hill..."I stand before You at the throne of grace...you wipe my tears away...at Your feet like a blameless child...to hear You whisper, gently whisper my name...
That kept going around and around in my head...just exactly what was spoken to me...
As I was sitting here on the couch in my living room I am reminded of how a "child" just wants to be near their parent. Our cat Millie has been with me for probably over 12 years now. Where I am is usually where she wants to be. When I was in bed, she came to me there and cozied herself right in the crook of my arm. I got up and sat on the couch, she got comfortable on my lap, purring all the while. She is comfortable there. She is happy there. She is at peace there. She comes boldly to me. Sometimes when I am busy and have my Bible study on my lap or the computer she tries to figure out a way to get near me anyway. She wants me to make room for her. She is persistent. It is not "I have to." It is not, "she expects me to sit here." She just likes it there. When she doesn't come sometimes I will search her out and sometimes I will let her be. God always searches us out. He is always calling for us to come unto Him. "Come unto me all that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Wow! How often do I think He is going to be mad at me because I haven't come in a while and feel like He is now disappointed? How often do I really see Him as He really is- loving, kind, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love? If not, then why don't I see Him that way? "I believe, help my unbelief!" Lord, I want that. I want to know You as You really are...not the God of my own mind, of my childhood, or whatever. But the real You! Lord, I come. "Speak, for your servant, you child, is listening." "Where else can I go, for You alone have the words of life!" Lord, reveal Your love for me today in a way that I can recognize and see, in a way that truly changes me from the inside out. No more shows, no more facades, no more pretending I'm okay. I need You in a big way! If You don't show up, I am a dead man!
So we get there...as Dave is speaking I feel my emotion bubbling up so strongly that I cannot contain it...what was it about...I'm not entirely sure except that I long for my heart to know the love and grace of my Father as he was explaining. I feel tired of fighting...tired of trying to find my Father some days. I need Him and want Him so badly, but somtetimes He feels so elusive. Dave talked about how we will know how much of the Father's love we really have in how we treat others. Do we love them? Do we want our own way all the time? Do we talk about ourselves when we are with others? Do we put the other person first in our thoughts, conversations, actions, etcetera. The person we are currently with should be the one that we are putting first in that moment. Do we get offended easily? If we do then we are not truly walking in his love and truly receiving his grace, love, and acceptance into those deep hidden places. I feel sometimes like I am so wrestling with God (as well as others). I don't even understand my own heart sometimes. But the beauty is that I don't have to- God knows, He understands me, He sees the depth of my heart, He knows the hurts there that I cannot even express or articulate. My problem so often is that I have a lot of head knowledge, but it has not reached my emotions. We make decisions not really based on our thinking, but with our emotions. That's why we often do things that don't seem to match up with what we say. We are often surprised by what we do. I think that scripture that says, "The things I want to do I don't do and the things I don't want to do I do." How true is that?
How do we have our emotions changed? Through an encounter with our Father. Through a spiritual revelation that only comes through a one on one relationship with Jesus. We are so performance based, it is so insidious this spirit of religion. It's about how I have to DO something. I have to figure it out on my own. I have to understand. These are all things that I have to do, so therefore I am dependent on me and my abilities. It is a scary thing to have to trust someone else with our lives, our hearts, our deepest hurts. So, we try to fix it ourselves- as they say, "How is that working for you?" Not! I wear myself out trying. It is also idolatry. God is the one who made us, created our inmost beings, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.
So, a couple people get a Word from God for me...at this point I am crying- One says, "You don't have to slither to God, you can walk right up to Him, you are not deficient in any way." I wish I could remember more of what was prayed for me, but that is where I really am. Somehow, because of my sin, my failures, maybe even the rejection others have put upon me I have felt less than, not good enough...it's not always a conscience thing, but I do see it when I am around people- I often feel judged, like they are evaluating me and I am not measuring up.
The song that came to me right after the prayers was from Kim Hill..."I stand before You at the throne of grace...you wipe my tears away...at Your feet like a blameless child...to hear You whisper, gently whisper my name...
That kept going around and around in my head...just exactly what was spoken to me...
As I was sitting here on the couch in my living room I am reminded of how a "child" just wants to be near their parent. Our cat Millie has been with me for probably over 12 years now. Where I am is usually where she wants to be. When I was in bed, she came to me there and cozied herself right in the crook of my arm. I got up and sat on the couch, she got comfortable on my lap, purring all the while. She is comfortable there. She is happy there. She is at peace there. She comes boldly to me. Sometimes when I am busy and have my Bible study on my lap or the computer she tries to figure out a way to get near me anyway. She wants me to make room for her. She is persistent. It is not "I have to." It is not, "she expects me to sit here." She just likes it there. When she doesn't come sometimes I will search her out and sometimes I will let her be. God always searches us out. He is always calling for us to come unto Him. "Come unto me all that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Wow! How often do I think He is going to be mad at me because I haven't come in a while and feel like He is now disappointed? How often do I really see Him as He really is- loving, kind, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love? If not, then why don't I see Him that way? "I believe, help my unbelief!" Lord, I want that. I want to know You as You really are...not the God of my own mind, of my childhood, or whatever. But the real You! Lord, I come. "Speak, for your servant, you child, is listening." "Where else can I go, for You alone have the words of life!" Lord, reveal Your love for me today in a way that I can recognize and see, in a way that truly changes me from the inside out. No more shows, no more facades, no more pretending I'm okay. I need You in a big way! If You don't show up, I am a dead man!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Forget Not ALL of His Benefits!
This week's Bible study has had a lot of food for thought! What am I choosing to remember? It is a choice! Will I choose to focus on those things that are life giving or focus on those things that bring me to the place of "poor me." Do I honor God by honoring His Word by trusting it more than I trust my own feelings? "Man does not live by bread alone, but by EVERY Word that proceeds from the mouth of God!" "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and of a sound mind." We are called to not live by our feelings, do I do that, in being honest with myself, I would have to say probably rarely. When will I choose to believe the Word of God more than my own ideas, thoughts, feelings, etcetera? Is God really God in my life? Or, am I my own God? Yikes, that is a harsh revelation...but denial does not get me anywhere...
-He forgives all my sins!
-He heals all my diseases!
-He redeems my life from the pit!
-He crowns me with love and and compassion!
-He satisfies my desires with good things!
-He will give me beauty for ashes!
-He will give me gladness, instead of mourning!
-He will give me a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair!
-God created me, I am His!
-He has called me by name!
-I am precious and honored in His sight!
-I am loved!
-Christ accepts me!
-I was bought with a price!
-He chose me before the creation of the world!
-I am God's workmanship!
-I was created to do good works!
-I am chosen!
-I belong to God!
"Complaining always reveals a lack of humility and plenty of self-centeredness. Our grumbles show our self-focus." Jennifer Rothchild
Complaining reflects a sense of entitlement, not gratefulness! Complaining is just plain unattractive.
"Do all things without complaining or arguing." Philippians 2:14
I am convicted. Lord help me to focus on Your Word. My way is not the right way- they may be just merely my preferences... I want to shine brightly in this world...
Lord, turn my heart toward you, not toward selfish gain- yes, turn my eyes away from worthless things- I want to honor You and fear You fully above all else in my life. Help me to balance all the demands on me so that You are first and You are pleased as I seek to do what You would have me to do...
Psalm 119:36-38 "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goals by human effort?" Galatian 3:3. That is pretty foolish, but I'm afraid I do it all the time. Lord, help me to rely on You and You alone!!!
-He forgives all my sins!
-He heals all my diseases!
-He redeems my life from the pit!
-He crowns me with love and and compassion!
-He satisfies my desires with good things!
-He will give me beauty for ashes!
-He will give me gladness, instead of mourning!
-He will give me a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair!
-God created me, I am His!
-He has called me by name!
-I am precious and honored in His sight!
-I am loved!
-Christ accepts me!
-I was bought with a price!
-He chose me before the creation of the world!
-I am God's workmanship!
-I was created to do good works!
-I am chosen!
-I belong to God!
"Complaining always reveals a lack of humility and plenty of self-centeredness. Our grumbles show our self-focus." Jennifer Rothchild
Complaining reflects a sense of entitlement, not gratefulness! Complaining is just plain unattractive.
"Do all things without complaining or arguing." Philippians 2:14
I am convicted. Lord help me to focus on Your Word. My way is not the right way- they may be just merely my preferences... I want to shine brightly in this world...
Lord, turn my heart toward you, not toward selfish gain- yes, turn my eyes away from worthless things- I want to honor You and fear You fully above all else in my life. Help me to balance all the demands on me so that You are first and You are pleased as I seek to do what You would have me to do...
Psalm 119:36-38 "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goals by human effort?" Galatian 3:3. That is pretty foolish, but I'm afraid I do it all the time. Lord, help me to rely on You and You alone!!!
What I have Learned from my six month old son!
This morning at 4:30 a.m. Josiah woke up...he has awakened early for the last three mornings and I was determined to keep him on his usual schedule. Usually when he starts to cry either me or my husband goes to aid almost immediately...he is now six months old and I felt like it was time that he realized that he is not the boss. Anway, he would cry on and off...the first time I went in and made sure he had his soother and he wasn't crammed up to the top of the crib. I went back to bed and almost immediately he started crying again- ugh...I decided that he would just have to cry himself to sleep...this went on for 10 minutes or so and they he would be quiet and I would think, finally he went to sleep. Then, he would start up again and then quiet again. A couple of times I was just about ready to go in when after my feet hit the floor he would then stop crying. While I was trying to figure out what the best plan of action was I was thinking this situation reminded me of God and me. There are times I cry out to Him and there seems to be no reaction, just silence. Is He really there? Does He really care about me? As I pondered this I realized how my own struggles probably mirror God's as I am made in His image...Should I go in and rescue her? I hate to hear her crying, it breaks my heart. She will think I don't care about her...Sometimes God has had to allow me to fully experience the pain, to learn something even greater...I have questioned His methods and have not understood what He was up to...but, unlike me, He knows all!
Finally in exasperation about one hour and fifteen minutes later, I decided okay, it is close enought to six that I will feed him his bottle and check his diaper. He guzzled that bottle down so fast and then when I checked his diaper, guess what? He was poopie! So, that is why he had been crying for all that time. He was trying to tell me something and I was not listening, only listening to my own reasoning...immediately, I felt bad that I didn't 'get a clue' and apologized to my six month old. So, another lesson to learn. Don't assume! How many times have I told myself that and here I did it again...Ugh! When will I learn?
Finally in exasperation about one hour and fifteen minutes later, I decided okay, it is close enought to six that I will feed him his bottle and check his diaper. He guzzled that bottle down so fast and then when I checked his diaper, guess what? He was poopie! So, that is why he had been crying for all that time. He was trying to tell me something and I was not listening, only listening to my own reasoning...immediately, I felt bad that I didn't 'get a clue' and apologized to my six month old. So, another lesson to learn. Don't assume! How many times have I told myself that and here I did it again...Ugh! When will I learn?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Painful Memories become Profitable
I am doing my Bible study this morning...thinking about the memories that need God to bring His perspective, His voice, His healing to the memories. Sometimes I do not even recognize what feelings I am having in the present that are coming up due to the past memories that have not been dealt with and have not been brought into the light of God's healing love. It's like someone said last week at our Bible study- some of our thoughts are so much a part of us, so insidious, that we do not even recognize that we need to see them for what they are and attend to them- bring them into the light rather than ignore them and think they will go away- they don't go away. They come back sneakily, through the back door of another similar situation where our feelings rise to the surface once again with a vengenance and they don't even match up with the present situation- maybe the emotions are too strong for what is going on or seem totally inappropriate...I need to start asking myself what is driving this? Take a step back, listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit-
I am trying to remember past memories that really affected me to this day- it is hard to narrow it down...
My mother who criticized me for everything- didn't want me to play the piano (even when I was just playing around), called me a show-off and selfish for anything I wanted to do (like go to Haiti for a missions trip), controlled everything I did and tried to control how I felt. I remember how she would look at me if I talked to Dad, I felt like I was doing something wrong...so I didn't speak at the dinner table. I remember trying so hard to please her and feeling like I couldn't do anything right...kind of like what is going on in our household even now. I am critical, I am controlling, I am argumentative, I am difficult to please. How did I feel? It all seems so vague making it hard to pinpoint one memory. It is so pervasive that I cannot get to the bottom of it. Part of it is that I just need to grow up. I am constantly blaming my past for my actions, yes that is partly true, but I also need to take responsibility for my todays. I also need to stop being so hard on myself, then I end up being hard on others...especially my husband. I really don't know what to do to change though...it feels like a never ending battle- the emotions are so highly charged. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be joyful? Why can't I just live and let live? Wow, I think in a way I can understand the Hell that Mom is going through in her mind- she may even want to change, but doesn't know how, doesn't know how to break the cycle, doesn't know how to allow herself to be loved and to love freely. She is probably thinking a lot like what I am thinking and feeling too. She may not even know why she feels what she feels, maybe can't put her finger on it, but feels it and it affects her and everyone around her as a result. We are not islands,we are interdependent and that causes problems when there is breakdown in our lives. I really need someone to be a buddy- someone I can tell my ridiculous thoughts to and check them out, see if they are valid, and learn to take out a lot of the angst. Lord, would you bring an accountability partner I can share with, someone who wouldn't get afraid of my compulsive, neurotic, obsessive thoughts? That is really what they are...I need to name them for what they really are and not be in denial about them...do a lot of these things really matter- they seem like they really matter, but in the eternal scheme of things it doesn't amount to a hill of beans...Lord, how long before I get that? How long before I learn to give and receive love as you intended? Please Lord, hear my cry for mercy...
I am trying to remember past memories that really affected me to this day- it is hard to narrow it down...
My mother who criticized me for everything- didn't want me to play the piano (even when I was just playing around), called me a show-off and selfish for anything I wanted to do (like go to Haiti for a missions trip), controlled everything I did and tried to control how I felt. I remember how she would look at me if I talked to Dad, I felt like I was doing something wrong...so I didn't speak at the dinner table. I remember trying so hard to please her and feeling like I couldn't do anything right...kind of like what is going on in our household even now. I am critical, I am controlling, I am argumentative, I am difficult to please. How did I feel? It all seems so vague making it hard to pinpoint one memory. It is so pervasive that I cannot get to the bottom of it. Part of it is that I just need to grow up. I am constantly blaming my past for my actions, yes that is partly true, but I also need to take responsibility for my todays. I also need to stop being so hard on myself, then I end up being hard on others...especially my husband. I really don't know what to do to change though...it feels like a never ending battle- the emotions are so highly charged. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be joyful? Why can't I just live and let live? Wow, I think in a way I can understand the Hell that Mom is going through in her mind- she may even want to change, but doesn't know how, doesn't know how to break the cycle, doesn't know how to allow herself to be loved and to love freely. She is probably thinking a lot like what I am thinking and feeling too. She may not even know why she feels what she feels, maybe can't put her finger on it, but feels it and it affects her and everyone around her as a result. We are not islands,we are interdependent and that causes problems when there is breakdown in our lives. I really need someone to be a buddy- someone I can tell my ridiculous thoughts to and check them out, see if they are valid, and learn to take out a lot of the angst. Lord, would you bring an accountability partner I can share with, someone who wouldn't get afraid of my compulsive, neurotic, obsessive thoughts? That is really what they are...I need to name them for what they really are and not be in denial about them...do a lot of these things really matter- they seem like they really matter, but in the eternal scheme of things it doesn't amount to a hill of beans...Lord, how long before I get that? How long before I learn to give and receive love as you intended? Please Lord, hear my cry for mercy...
Little Irritations...
I decided that if I just start writing down my irritations maybe I can learn to let them go...Lord, help me....they are not that big in the scheme of eternity are they? I will probably feel ridiculous once I see them here and that will be a good thing!
-Having coffee at 3 a.m. and then complaining that he cannot sleep.
-Leaving the ground coffee jar empty because he used the last one at 3 a.m. and now I have to grind it for my cup.
-Wearing jogging pants to bed, isn't that just the exact opposite of what they are for?
-Making popcorn and 'cleaning' the pot although I find it oily on the outside and the counters have not been cleaned.
-Going in to find our son has leftover food and/or milk on his face or that he is soaking wet from head to toe.
-Seeing him go in to bathe our son and what seems to be two minutes later coming back out the other way.
-Every time he sits to watch tv, he has a blanket on and it is up to his nose. (this just doesn't seem norrmal for a guy). Is that cool?
-He is always cold and complains the house is cold and therefore puts the blankets over his head...
-before going to work he does not shower and sometimes does not brush his teeth...
-Having to have the easiest hair style, won't put lotion on his face or take care of himself and yet wonders why he is looking old. Why do guys feel they are exempt from taking care of themselves?
Will these habits every change? Are they really something to quibble over? Complaining does not help- that is probably the problem- it is the amount, the frequency of my complaints and the way that I am saying it. Is it respectful? No, I feel like he is more like a child in so many ways so that is how I end up treating him, which I know is not right, but how do I see him differently? I hear myself talk to him and it is rude, disrespectful, and frequently sarcastic...not the way God calls me to treat anyone...let alone my husband. \
Then there are my own idiosyncrasies too, do I see them as well? What do I do that bugs him? He probably thinks I am like a child too, especially in my emotions...I get so emotionally about so many things.
-Having coffee at 3 a.m. and then complaining that he cannot sleep.
-Leaving the ground coffee jar empty because he used the last one at 3 a.m. and now I have to grind it for my cup.
-Wearing jogging pants to bed, isn't that just the exact opposite of what they are for?
-Making popcorn and 'cleaning' the pot although I find it oily on the outside and the counters have not been cleaned.
-Going in to find our son has leftover food and/or milk on his face or that he is soaking wet from head to toe.
-Seeing him go in to bathe our son and what seems to be two minutes later coming back out the other way.
-Every time he sits to watch tv, he has a blanket on and it is up to his nose. (this just doesn't seem norrmal for a guy). Is that cool?
-He is always cold and complains the house is cold and therefore puts the blankets over his head...
-before going to work he does not shower and sometimes does not brush his teeth...
-Having to have the easiest hair style, won't put lotion on his face or take care of himself and yet wonders why he is looking old. Why do guys feel they are exempt from taking care of themselves?
Will these habits every change? Are they really something to quibble over? Complaining does not help- that is probably the problem- it is the amount, the frequency of my complaints and the way that I am saying it. Is it respectful? No, I feel like he is more like a child in so many ways so that is how I end up treating him, which I know is not right, but how do I see him differently? I hear myself talk to him and it is rude, disrespectful, and frequently sarcastic...not the way God calls me to treat anyone...let alone my husband. \
Then there are my own idiosyncrasies too, do I see them as well? What do I do that bugs him? He probably thinks I am like a child too, especially in my emotions...I get so emotionally about so many things.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Daughter of a King
Yesterday was a hard day, but your mercies, Lord are new EVERY single morning. I have a fresh clean slate. I woke up thinking about my need to be grateful for every thing in my life. I looked out the french doors while I was still laying down in bed and saw beautiful golden colored trees, the sun peering from the east as it rises. It is a gorgeous fall day and I need to take some time to realize all of the good things that God is doing and has already done in my life, in my heart, in thoughts, and even in my attitudes. I am wanting to change, so therefore, the Holy Spirit is changing me. Sometimes it seems soooooo slow, but it is happening even as I live out moment of my life. I am continously growing. Constantly changing. This morning I was also thinking about the FACT that I am a daughter of a King! Now at this moment that does not seem all that real or relevant, but it is true nonetheless. Whether I choose to believe this truth or not is really irrelevant to the facts. It is relevant in the sense that I need to understand it so that I can live my life accordingly. If I do not believe that I am a daughter of a King, I won't live like it. If I do, it would change everything. How does a princess act? How does she speak? How does she present herself? How does she dress? How does she carry herself? Everything would change! How does she approach the King?
Also, no matter what others say or do to me or about me would not change the facts! Whether they believed it or not would not it make it true or not true. It is true no matter what. So the question is- do I believe this truth or not? And if I don't, then why don't I?
Just like Esther went through a process of beautification in preparation to be chosen as a possible queen for King Xerxes, so, I need to go through a process of refining and beautification to prepare me for my role as the bride of Christ...the water of God's word! Lord, I pray the water of your Spirit and the water of your Word wash over me, cleanse me, change my mind, my thoughts, my attitudes that I would truly be more like you for reals! No more facade, but the genuine article, the real mccoy- that is what I want, that who I present to the world matches up with who I am at home and who I am on the inside! This can only be done by you- I need to make myself vulnerable before, to trust you completely, implicitly! You are trustworthy- you are NOT like us fallen adams and eves- you are not "practically perfert in every way", you ARE perfect and yet full of love, giving compassion to those you have made! You know our frame and that we are so very weak...help us father, I need the love of a Father to penetrate his sin sick, emotional wreck of a soul, right here, right now. Not a moment too soon...I love you and want to love you and others better, deeper, authentically- but apart from you, I truly can do NOTHING!
Also, no matter what others say or do to me or about me would not change the facts! Whether they believed it or not would not it make it true or not true. It is true no matter what. So the question is- do I believe this truth or not? And if I don't, then why don't I?
Just like Esther went through a process of beautification in preparation to be chosen as a possible queen for King Xerxes, so, I need to go through a process of refining and beautification to prepare me for my role as the bride of Christ...the water of God's word! Lord, I pray the water of your Spirit and the water of your Word wash over me, cleanse me, change my mind, my thoughts, my attitudes that I would truly be more like you for reals! No more facade, but the genuine article, the real mccoy- that is what I want, that who I present to the world matches up with who I am at home and who I am on the inside! This can only be done by you- I need to make myself vulnerable before, to trust you completely, implicitly! You are trustworthy- you are NOT like us fallen adams and eves- you are not "practically perfert in every way", you ARE perfect and yet full of love, giving compassion to those you have made! You know our frame and that we are so very weak...help us father, I need the love of a Father to penetrate his sin sick, emotional wreck of a soul, right here, right now. Not a moment too soon...I love you and want to love you and others better, deeper, authentically- but apart from you, I truly can do NOTHING!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Ugh!!!!!!!!
Okay, what went wrong now...why does my mind go round and round about issues and never settle on anything? Why am I constantly seeing the negative and never the positive? I am so frustrated with myself- I expect perfection from myself and then put that on everyone else. Will I ever be able to let my hair down? Just rest- just be? I think I have a major issue with my mind racing and not getting control of my emotions. Lord help! I know I cannot do it on my own...what do I do with myself let alone living with someone else. I think anxiety and depression rule my life and really I should be telling my own soul the truth, but not just the truth, but also speaking the truth (to myself and others) in love. My mind whirls with blame, guilt, frustration, lonliness, aloofness, anger, shame, you name it, I've got it...God's word says that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"! ALL!!! What am I doing wrong? I remember when I went up for prayer for CHANGE (of all things) Doreen prayed the same prayer she prayed for me last time she ended up praying for me, "God has not given you a spirit of prayer, but of love, power, and a sound mind." Why do I keep getting this verse? Is it fear that is ruling over me? Is that the root of my unrest? If that is the case, what am I afraid of? Afraid of ...hmmmm...being no one in life, going nowhere in life, not pleasing God. I feel like a loser when I treat Kent the way I did tonight...and I should. It is not loving or kind or full of mercy or grace, which is what we just talked about in our Bible study- why do I keep doing this to him and to myself???? In talking with Lindsey I am amazed at her insight and her level of maturity in dealing with others graciously- I don't have that and I want it! When she and talked the other day about how I was continously talking about his hair and how I would like to see it cut this way or look a certain way...she said- she keep talking about it and it makes him want to run and hide- you need to share an affirmation along with something that you would like changed. "He is a words guy, I can see that." "How did you see that so soon?" "By how he talks".
He is words of affirmation and physical touch". "What am I, I asked. "I think you are quality time and -you'll be surprised by this and you would never say this, but I think you may be physical touch- you really need it." Wow, what insight I thought.
She also talked about how Kent does better with metaphors- due to his ld, add, and dyslexia, it takes him a very long to process and he does not get it- he kind of gets the glazed look- use yourself in the examples- like the one I gave about if you went out to buy make up and you told him all the details of picking the right foundation color, eye color, etc, he would not want all the details- he would just want to know how much it cost- anyway, I think it is a great idea...I need to start trying this and see if this improves our communication.
I need to stop being angry over some of these issues- he CANNOT help it! It is not his fault. He is not doing this on purpose. I need to have compassion for the frustration that he is also feeling with himself-
Lord, I have asked for this before, but I am really needing your help in this area. Would you give me your heart for him? I know he is your son and you love him tremendously. You also know and love me- would you give me a supernatural understanding and love for him. I want to respect and love my husband. I do not purposely set out to disrespect or destroy him, but that is what I am doing and while doing that to him, I am doing that to me as well, as we are one. Lord, would you calm my spirit...I mean really calm my spirit- my emotions are on the edge- whether by crying or getting angry...I cannot do this for myself either...I have tried and I continously fail...
We have got to stop the cycle. We have got to CHANGE! Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results...
That is another whole topic, this whole thing about expectations. We talked a little bit about that at our Bible study- I wanted to ask, but didn't have time- how do we change our expectations? Are they lining up with God's Word, I guess. Am I thinking selfishly? Is my way the only right way? I'm trying to think of an example- like how clean the house is, whether the dishes are done every night, what sort of things are left around the house...who decides these things? How do we come to a meeting of the minds? Am I kind? The funny ( or not so funny thing) is that we always think we are right- I am reminded of what Dave said last week at home group- the scripture in Jeremiah, our hearts are desperately wicked and deceitful above all else- yikes! When I am absolutely convinced that I am right, I really need to step back and question myself in the light of scripture...sometimes there are no rights and wrongs...in those cases, I am not right out of default, but what would be the kind, merciful, gracious thing to do?
God put me and Kent together with all of our idiosyncrasies- He has something greater to accomplish through us if we let Him- we can choose to cooperate or we can choose to go our own rebellious way (which is, realistically and truthfully what I have been doing) I have been like an insolent child- demanding, unrelenting, unkind, a task master, unmerciful, and ungracious. Not very Godly traits...Holy Spirit, I need you to meet me in a big way! But, I also need to do the hard work of CHANGE! I need to start doing what does not come easy and what may even seem unnatural- if I continue what I am doing right now, our marriage will end up another statistic! At times I am not sure I care- sometimes there is so much pain and hardship (probably most of it from my own doing) that escape seems like the answer. But, the other side is not any better- more pain, more loss, more guilt, more shame. Sometimes it seems like a no win situation- damned if you do, damned if you don't (like what my whole life has felt like in so many ways). But, with God ALL things ARE POSSIBLE! Do I really believe that? I am really, really believe that? I want to, I know that but sometimes I feel so hopeless in my sins. I am on a self-destructive road right now...why? because I feel I don't deserve true love? I could analyze me all day long and still end up confused and in the same place I started in. It boils down to that verse in Jeremiah again- my heart is desperately wicked- and then in the New Testament Paul asks, "who will deliver me from this body of death?" Lord, if you don't show up, I am a dead man...literally you have said that I have died and you live in me...why am I acting this way again? If you were in me, I would act so much differently. I would be filled with great love and compassion...I have to appropriate it though, like really believe that it is true and then choose to act differently and then You will give me the power...
He is words of affirmation and physical touch". "What am I, I asked. "I think you are quality time and -you'll be surprised by this and you would never say this, but I think you may be physical touch- you really need it." Wow, what insight I thought.
She also talked about how Kent does better with metaphors- due to his ld, add, and dyslexia, it takes him a very long to process and he does not get it- he kind of gets the glazed look- use yourself in the examples- like the one I gave about if you went out to buy make up and you told him all the details of picking the right foundation color, eye color, etc, he would not want all the details- he would just want to know how much it cost- anyway, I think it is a great idea...I need to start trying this and see if this improves our communication.
I need to stop being angry over some of these issues- he CANNOT help it! It is not his fault. He is not doing this on purpose. I need to have compassion for the frustration that he is also feeling with himself-
Lord, I have asked for this before, but I am really needing your help in this area. Would you give me your heart for him? I know he is your son and you love him tremendously. You also know and love me- would you give me a supernatural understanding and love for him. I want to respect and love my husband. I do not purposely set out to disrespect or destroy him, but that is what I am doing and while doing that to him, I am doing that to me as well, as we are one. Lord, would you calm my spirit...I mean really calm my spirit- my emotions are on the edge- whether by crying or getting angry...I cannot do this for myself either...I have tried and I continously fail...
We have got to stop the cycle. We have got to CHANGE! Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results...
That is another whole topic, this whole thing about expectations. We talked a little bit about that at our Bible study- I wanted to ask, but didn't have time- how do we change our expectations? Are they lining up with God's Word, I guess. Am I thinking selfishly? Is my way the only right way? I'm trying to think of an example- like how clean the house is, whether the dishes are done every night, what sort of things are left around the house...who decides these things? How do we come to a meeting of the minds? Am I kind? The funny ( or not so funny thing) is that we always think we are right- I am reminded of what Dave said last week at home group- the scripture in Jeremiah, our hearts are desperately wicked and deceitful above all else- yikes! When I am absolutely convinced that I am right, I really need to step back and question myself in the light of scripture...sometimes there are no rights and wrongs...in those cases, I am not right out of default, but what would be the kind, merciful, gracious thing to do?
God put me and Kent together with all of our idiosyncrasies- He has something greater to accomplish through us if we let Him- we can choose to cooperate or we can choose to go our own rebellious way (which is, realistically and truthfully what I have been doing) I have been like an insolent child- demanding, unrelenting, unkind, a task master, unmerciful, and ungracious. Not very Godly traits...Holy Spirit, I need you to meet me in a big way! But, I also need to do the hard work of CHANGE! I need to start doing what does not come easy and what may even seem unnatural- if I continue what I am doing right now, our marriage will end up another statistic! At times I am not sure I care- sometimes there is so much pain and hardship (probably most of it from my own doing) that escape seems like the answer. But, the other side is not any better- more pain, more loss, more guilt, more shame. Sometimes it seems like a no win situation- damned if you do, damned if you don't (like what my whole life has felt like in so many ways). But, with God ALL things ARE POSSIBLE! Do I really believe that? I am really, really believe that? I want to, I know that but sometimes I feel so hopeless in my sins. I am on a self-destructive road right now...why? because I feel I don't deserve true love? I could analyze me all day long and still end up confused and in the same place I started in. It boils down to that verse in Jeremiah again- my heart is desperately wicked- and then in the New Testament Paul asks, "who will deliver me from this body of death?" Lord, if you don't show up, I am a dead man...literally you have said that I have died and you live in me...why am I acting this way again? If you were in me, I would act so much differently. I would be filled with great love and compassion...I have to appropriate it though, like really believe that it is true and then choose to act differently and then You will give me the power...
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