I Think You Might Know Now...

I am trying to figure out how I feel right now...numbness?  Overwhelming sadness?  Despair?  My feelings are, as usual a confusing thing.  Mom died on New Year's Day, I can't really comprehend that she is really gone, for good.  I am glad for her...no more pain or stress or crazy life to bear.  As I posted that day, not long after I found out...my heart is breaking in a million tiny pieces as it has so many times before regarding mom, but now they are broken and smashed, not able to be repaired until that day.  What day?  The day I get to run to Jesus, to her, to my grandmother, to my sister and all will be made right.  Is it possible?  Is it really possible that we can look into each other's eyes and see love there instead of judgement?  To not guard my every word, every thought, every gesture?  To have peace instead of never ending conflict due to misunderstanding after misunderstanding?  I feel lost, kind of helpless, bereft really...

I've needed my mom for a very long time!  A family member posted how she missed mom and I didn't know what to comment...so I commented nothing.  I wanted to scream!! Nothing really meant everything.  I have been grieving her loss in my life for so very long.  I have felt so alone for a very long time.  The one silver lining is that it is finished, I cannot do anything else to repair this relationship...it is now for me to make peace...

Three years ago she said to me, "I never wanted you to leave"...my mind felt like it was going to explode.  I wanted to scream, "Why didn't I get that memo?"  "Are you kidding me?"  The ironies that niggle at my mind all the time not just since she died but for years of unanswered questions.  "Why didn't I know?"  I remember back in 1993, after I had finished my DTS and SOW at YWAM...I was pondering the question of returning home or staying where I was.  I wanted to go home, but didn't feel any hope that things between Mom and I would change and it hurt too much so I didn't go home.  If I had gone home would the outcome have been any different?  Every time I went home, it was painful, tense and stressful.  How can one know?  The question still lingers now.  How I had wished that someday we could make peace.  I fantasized that it would happen someday...but I also wondered if this day might come as well, when one of us would die and all these questions and all this angst would remain...

Dear Mom...

i think you might know all this now but here goes...

The words i wish i could've said

or maybe did...but you just couldn't hear...

i know how hard it is to live with a broken heart

a senseless silence

an overwhelming sadness and angst

thinking death would be a welcome relief

i just can't figure out what went wrong-

i loved you so much but maybe

i was destined to fail from the start-

if only you could know my heart

(maybe you know now)

though definitely not perfect

'cause i'm far from that

 add hurts and all of it

gets very messy

on your side

and mine

but...through  it all i loved you deeply

i wanted so much for you to like me

to accept me...

to love me...

for us to talk...

share...

laugh...

together

maybe you already know all this now-

maybe you know i tried to see you 

before it was too late

maybe you know and because of your humanness

your heartaches, just couldn't

pick up that phone...

the message of us singing happy birthday

rings on that answering machine in my ears...from last May, 

eight months ago

now, i'll never know why until

heaven meets earth

when all will be made right-

maybe then you and i

and your Mom and Jackie too

can have peace inside ourselves

and with each other

maybe there are reasons you just couldn't explain-

"I wish you had never left"

no sadder words could have 

rung and rattled in my mind

and soul

and heart

why couldn't you tell me sooner?

Nothing but whys are left now

no answers

now dad with dementia

and all tightly kept

and tossed into the sea

my heart already damaged and ravaged

and the loss keeps coming

seemingly no end

but who cares anymore?

i will have you and so much more

someday, in heaven

when i too go home

until then Mom, i love you, always have,

never stopped

but...

i think you might know that now