I started writing this post right after we came home from finalizing the adoption of our youngest son, who was seven months old...what a blessing he is in our lives! We waited for a long time for this little guy, five years almost to the day. To think we almost gave up, not because we didn't want to wait anymore although that may be just a smidgen of it but mostly because we are not young parents. We started our married life and now our parenting life very late...
I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mom; better late than never they say; but there are many days I wish I was younger for many, many reasons...
One of them is that I feel like I am not on the same wave length as so many other moms and maybe it's all my own perception that is coloring the situation, but I feel very insecure around all these young moms and feel like we can't connect...maybe a feeling more like I am being judged, but is it really me judging me? I will never really know the answer to this and is it really that important that I do? Sometimes it is better to not know the truth! My problem is that I also feel lonely in this endeavor...some of my friends are older than me and are done with kids...sure, they love their grandkids, but they are not in a place where they want our kids around or at least that is the feeling I get. Again, is it just my feelings that I am reading into everything? Then I feel guilty because I am the one that signed up for this adventure so why am I in a place of discontent? It is so weird! I wonder if there are other older moms that find themselves sitting with these conflicted feelings as a result of not feeling like they fit anywhere or maybe this is just a holdover of how I have always struggled to fit in...
Also, I never knew that with mothering comes all this other stuff that I didn't really know I was signing up for...like dealing with all the other mothers and their opinions and having to be a part of this larger community for the sake of my sons. Sometimes I just want to go back into being a hermit and not dealing with all the drama, judgment and silliness that goes with this territory.
God knows. God knows that this is what I would be facing and that I would need to call out to Him for help because I can't run away from it all as my son wants relationship with these other kids whose moms are twenty years my junior...right now he thinks we are pretty cool, but that may change when he sees how old we are compared to his friends mom's.
This is way more than I bargained for. Lord help me in my weakness and insecurity!
No comments:
Post a Comment